Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1 T: h( h' A2 o& b5 U1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

7 b: S& n* P3 F3 V- ?( M; l- a8 Q3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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2 r' a/ }$ A4 N: `& C8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

! P) |" ?: H( o( E8 ?9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

9 Q5 H# k0 a4 w/ M- S# d11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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; i7 J5 d) r* A6 o2 {+ S: F12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

. R0 a+ E7 t) L; m15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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3 D& d& a2 U5 F: u3 R* a! X16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.