Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

, c4 ~. N0 f6 J# z. fThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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, f- a  a: X( j5 d0 P' m" c# S1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

' H! F+ R/ s) _2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

7 [* U4 Z, c5 p  @4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

( B- ~! ^) [: s2 w' _0 ~8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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% |7 R2 X, h3 y; X2 S10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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6 R% w$ w* [) e11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

& I" j0 [( [, G8 L* q  Y3 f12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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5 d7 Y% t; W0 T! [7 W# E" @( ^13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

: L4 G5 t, q: q. N15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

0 f+ R2 m9 d/ [. i6 ~- z, r9 N4 S16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.