我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

- C. c% q' d4 U) N5 ]1 hI fell in love with you
; o% d+ X/ k/ o3 T: ^& h. JAt the first week we met
$ d; v5 _6 s" I: r% a0 s
+ @8 k$ R  k" R9 nYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
# t0 ^% n1 ]0 ]* |As spotting sky at a summer night
# J9 I% Q. v, O! L) Q& rThey are shining stars
( ^, W0 S) Q9 ~( V* z
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
" x, X* d* T& M+ G* e  aYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
3 b9 r7 ^- u! ZAnd I think all girls sound like
5 W5 o% {7 C, v! S6 {
2 U  ~% o$ _5 J* rYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
* ~; Z: v% V: BI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
2 Q; ]$ x  a, D" P2 L' W1 @9 Y' }0 O% {
I fell in love with you
/ g5 L+ i/ s+ F1 \Become a fool to think
. }8 v  h5 }: A' |1 q5 XAll trouble things you did
3 ]( m: {( p" X- N# cAnd that is the price for love
8 p  X0 p( I/ n0 ?/ [# F0 b
8 t, G$ |" D* o0 }# d; `you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
& t2 c# S- {/ K; K"My man should be like this,
1 c& e& |: s$ aand I am helping you to improve'
' o. V0 u& p. [- }
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
: I, G* R$ ^& P8 U7 s/ S9 l
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

6 h. @+ M. S1 ?; s* HI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 L- e1 @! x% l8 q8 Tmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
! t& `  Z  S' M  Q不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
/ ]( U% ]: A1 f: H! g- VI fell in love with you
7 A' w, A# R9 x# }3 f( R0 K4 }In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
6 ?; {  _; r) y
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
8 j/ C% g$ e/ ]0 yYour body is so sexy
  E* ^& P# z8 t+ b+ z/ eAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 I$ w5 `: b" w; m
I am deeply in love
. i  q& N. b# m; e7 r" z% F& \Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) p6 X) O& x5 P1 _$ Q0 E7 ?But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


0 |) v8 C& _# G$ L! I: z6 UHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
. f% @4 [" a: H6 T3 EHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
0 Y8 M" ?- U1 r' {8 nShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
" O' }0 B- d4 OI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
3 H- U3 u! M" o( S  O0 v
" v) g$ U! y* q4 }) m# IBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
; M! ]+ b# {0 f2 H# Z6 k+ n; H3 ~I looked at you and thought
5 ?5 K3 H) @! r4 s! [; H' ]Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
" n" b7 e! B4 z  K$ {) EMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
$ n5 E2 Q8 L  I8 k# p- ]% \I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 j; ~8 I4 ~9 S2 T$ s0 A1 R( w你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 r  K; u0 ~- D8 {: I就和用中文写一次
) E# s- x( N% t8 k& I) ?阿,我爱你
' L3 g% w# G8 |1 Q" A0 \" t( o; f你让我心跳好快
& G4 N; b0 L, Q* Q) b: A$ H你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! {1 S! S- t* j5 W你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
5 w9 ?6 ?6 B& L就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
7 w% G& M* D  L" X# \7 H5 X2 H你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ `" k/ f. p, M) q& w7 jXXXXX
0 P; T- V6 p# M' K/ y不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。