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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love( A  S0 `7 z, k; b2 p% t8 ]' X
& H! k* ]* F, P; Z0 H% j+ W" w
I fell in love with you
4 x6 {* D  m* r( i5 nAt the first week we met
$ ~( t4 ~+ h9 g* i6 b% A: @5 _% |- V1 Q
You have charm, you have looks3 ?/ s  F( Y  G$ j3 m
with full of pimples in face8 R( ^) r2 O. X/ Y( T! u4 m
As spotting sky at a summer night
- e2 e. D  x) ~" M) w& O' g6 }They are shining stars
0 D4 F0 T/ C4 A3 z4 b5 N- j+ @( M% D: }2 l9 o6 }/ b. V
Your lip is so big
7 Z: ?9 @, V' h6 i& G/ f0 Y- uAnd that’s good for a kiss
* x& v+ p) Y& N% \9 [6 zYour body is chubby: c  {" v( I' P1 {
And that is good for sex
2 w' a1 h* P) R, D  {, l1 Z) i, w4 a
I was deeply in love' z" c7 M! h7 ^+ i0 |; m# V
Everything from you is positive
. m8 u. U  M5 WYou blame me everything and everyday5 Z: m" N' R9 K4 u5 U
And I think all girls sound like! s* y" q/ a0 X. Y

) U3 o3 M, x, i; M- O% e: Q* m0 c3 MYou could not stand my eating
9 G! f% B; l; U- d! t9 DSaying no good for making funny sound: ~0 G3 Y0 T8 {' L4 W: Y
I think you are perfectly right) v2 c8 ?  ]( v" V
Eating with sound is a pig
3 `9 [# y3 H# F. q4 A: ]+ o2 _1 a+ K* c0 V, E, c7 A. h& X$ I
I fell in love with you . ~8 g7 @- V" d) p& |$ Q
Become a fool to think* K, O: e" p) v6 Y6 V# z  e
All trouble things you did! _. u4 n" V& j# \
And that is the price for love
! _- `% i8 B4 i1 j5 R$ B3 K2 P2 n8 E1 v( |% T" W- }% F5 J
you are deeply in love" V7 Y( m/ Z) T# X! _4 i7 F. x
Everything from me is negative
' e- `: _/ t* f"My man should be like this,0 u; B3 S7 g: S( m" t( M2 e# I5 K, ~
and I am helping you to improve'
7 B: I' ^. c* B- W2 C/ B, T; j3 n% M  g
/ ~- q/ b, c6 s5 vYou are loving me
3 q) g. D  T, \" p# Tor that one in your mind?+ Y2 t+ B4 G' x  T& V: g. @
My mind is like a mud6 N5 [3 S, `5 l/ {1 A% @, O, q
can be shaped whatever you want$ k) D/ ~5 V" @; m% g! _

) q, D$ w9 N: U; y* _1 n6 Funfortunalety not my heart
9 Q/ J* g4 a# k( U; e# f4 ~It is slashed by you / @0 o9 L: H, \) q! U
and I am seriously hurt5 W8 C( B. g7 z. b# a+ g
* L3 i0 l3 t; w! d3 C
I will never love another $ {1 J& a0 L$ b
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
1 q" v5 v% H* c; o# g7 u; X4 Hmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

  \2 W4 J: d0 ]' N: d( ~1 l" `' G: ~6 _, c$ U
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!+ ?' ~& b% q$ K# {; o8 N
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
! \! a  c& ~& Z+ d" f9 `i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
5 T, J" [& g  X7 s- }4 F# E( h7 uAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
" _- g& k6 y, J; C
. x# o0 x5 R6 h0 _" Dwith the charm,
5 Q) ~5 ]% f) Swith the simles.% u/ v, l# V8 ]" b. ~  Q2 E
I fell in love with you
/ s9 w2 g# ~) o  c: R2 ^In the first sign.: R4 `0 a9 E$ s% d- C
As spotting sky at a summer
4 b( F' a* b: ~& t1 c" {! l& y& Y! G0 }9 ?
Your lip is so soft
6 x' n) v7 I5 L$ Z: `there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
0 z" A* ~7 @! [: Y- k  @Your body is so sexy. v8 ~, n/ J5 c/ S
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
6 a# E: ^# @( z6 {9 O+ {' ^0 l& c0 f' t
I am deeply in love
' l, p* _+ X1 p6 P  P3 f) yEverything from you is so charming
* I! Y4 [7 {: i! m, Q# Malthough You r so picky for me
4 u4 S" I2 M. @" [( K0 }And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
. D5 \* k) C  K2 [5 l0 KBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem7 w; j! w, a* I

* |( H) R. L( v9 M$ B' R
. D* B/ u" j9 }) r! xHis hello is the end of her endings
! G3 y* J+ f, b" L% aHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' M4 f4 B; C0 o4 ^- DHis hand would be hers to hold forever3 j! s; J# M) ~/ z8 G, ?! B
His forever is simply as her smile 4 U2 t6 j' u* ^7 q: z( |
He said she was what was missing9 {2 i$ O* h' V
She said instantly she knew
. y3 g  d* C; J' O+ X$ eShe was a question to be answered
0 ?/ A7 Y$ O/ e  @: u. S0 Q8 wAnd his answer is 6 {9 ]# T' k) z
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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. \5 z) L6 u3 G. o% pBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
7 R9 G) |$ G' v4 K. c
1 ~+ U( x4 e3 _7 B' [It's amazing how I felt 7 A8 V& Q( H2 A: I0 ?
when I was with you4 ^. X. j) G" l# s1 u3 Z+ \
My heart beat so fast
: c0 M" S: h+ k) u# b! X" ZI looked at you and thought
* H3 {5 T1 s1 |6 QHoly Jesus, you were so cute1 \/ e8 ^6 ^" `' s1 v9 ?. W  [
* }. z/ `5 c& }% k" Y) t* {
You left me without a word0 ~' Y* e1 q" H5 f
I have nothing except my emptiness
; u; h( J, P/ R- S' I7 @1 J" [3 D$ _8 V' B7 XMy mood is like a cloud
- r  i, d9 i- M+ M# e! m" {How could it be dispersed?
; X3 R8 i+ Z9 Q( V) ~0 m4 J, s) N, j
5 e& X5 w: R$ u3 J3 GFeelings bite my heart
+ S- w; s' y! G: n: \0 l* lYou are the right one I wait
0 Q5 c2 B3 p" D% l. R. WIn the depth of my soul
8 }  X8 A5 o- K& q/ |I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 B$ l2 d- U* V$ O/ Y/ v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道$ j4 c) M+ d: a
就和用中文写一次6 }% S0 ]7 B1 j  R/ f7 W
阿,我爱你
! d) T/ S) R- e你让我心跳好快- f" P3 E! Z. q, x* g5 @
你让我脸发热
: x1 |' X/ N# z: r/ N我爱上你的大嘴唇( N: N1 R# ?( m2 ]' A9 }
XXXXX
* V4 _4 p4 F9 u1 V" R/ U不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?$ V- C! }! c& ~  O% d$ G" r" q) Z
6 Q" b+ X1 W5 o" d" T1 v6 N
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
8 E4 `" ~  _) s至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
9 Y1 G# r+ T) r7 ^. h闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
  W3 f0 Y" k" ?: ?2 o- N* g你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道* G. r) F7 C" D) H* ?* ^
就和用中文写一次
, j( L- I! H7 x/ l阿,我爱你
: ?( Y- y! i( W& Z) M/ m你让我心跳好快, c; v7 {, ^$ S/ A+ X
你让我脸发热2 G' Q6 j9 N* m
我爱上你的大嘴唇
  |6 ~9 l7 A7 W, I$ w& k$ V8 B; LXXXXX9 Y! j) ~+ M7 r- \: p" F- E
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
5 Y# Q3 \( T4 K# o) [& T
/ G" R7 F8 H* Y# I# A
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
7 _5 m" J3 _, R' S# r; o0 ?
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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