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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love' c# y% U  a3 L6 {
0 S& w) Q  s- c/ C% }! @1 B
I fell in love with you
. \. c5 t& y! n# M* }" c; YAt the first week we met. W$ ^4 e% T) z
0 u! t$ z% ^3 V. h; k
You have charm, you have looks
7 e  Y- R' z2 f' X8 w% ^$ o* I* _+ Wwith full of pimples in face
, {$ t# L# @8 }7 s9 E  ]9 o/ U! eAs spotting sky at a summer night0 E7 r% W7 X2 X" V/ B
They are shining stars
% T$ R) I% A3 o( M2 c8 _7 \- M9 N% i
Your lip is so big
+ }* K& s5 {, Y& N% v( T* sAnd that’s good for a kiss2 i: ^  y0 H2 H6 i
Your body is chubby
/ n0 @8 d5 k( y$ B% ]7 mAnd that is good for sex0 F5 x7 `! F, K8 {$ u6 D

* O+ M& s' Y7 _. XI was deeply in love
( ]7 ?- ?/ \# oEverything from you is positive
/ a  `' f: a8 v: n( W6 ^% M2 YYou blame me everything and everyday
$ n( Y% ?* T5 B) o, S2 X5 H3 u/ k7 oAnd I think all girls sound like2 B, b6 i7 X5 R( s3 G- f8 Z1 s
: ~; y8 ?) P, T. i$ v0 c# W
You could not stand my eating
, x% ~0 r7 k" s( C. A8 dSaying no good for making funny sound* r& E3 D) _$ q( W- p
I think you are perfectly right
& b9 O# Q/ A1 pEating with sound is a pig
& \% m$ x2 _) ~* t3 {
% t" V/ q. ^8 m, F6 A# II fell in love with you
% J- h( R6 w/ U; K3 y4 nBecome a fool to think1 @( Z! _8 @, f; j+ g0 ?
All trouble things you did+ s, \6 m$ R2 k, K' K4 j, v
And that is the price for love
5 H! h1 K! ?# @9 V0 ]& A$ }; b* w- o4 W9 I
you are deeply in love; p" \  H2 U# [" A( J, y
Everything from me is negative* _5 N) E, |* `) J3 u
"My man should be like this,
1 g; g- o, ]& sand I am helping you to improve'( p% G8 F4 W7 J$ B8 x
/ Z8 ?1 h: t8 d, i
You are loving me
0 r: l% n" [: o5 jor that one in your mind?' S( G  N1 w  _1 f, R6 K
My mind is like a mud
# {0 o, z! _9 ~2 Xcan be shaped whatever you want
% l  a- f+ a! Y' o5 E, ]8 l7 V$ z) g1 c9 w, Y) R
unfortunalety not my heart
, R, N9 C# s, K1 L- Z5 u  N- `5 GIt is slashed by you 3 `, n5 l5 d, L- T
and I am seriously hurt
' j1 Z& j7 J+ d* v$ b+ h
& ?0 {" B  ~- [1 A# L2 K. UI will never love another ( s9 \4 Z5 n7 A2 m  q0 H
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 5 x4 `# B2 O+ N1 z) t  L
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

7 U8 D! }: k) `3 \7 V0 p, K7 b
. X  V4 c5 j* K# C7 G' |咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!( {9 b7 _+ u: K  P
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 2 h) T# S1 K( f6 M- m& y
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.  b7 p) ], u1 `0 n
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed, U& S! z" m& H. x8 C" h/ g  `4 B
6 A3 Q' d3 z2 T! N/ i
with the charm,
3 c, N8 D% H1 n1 `- i9 h; s. ]with the simles.
; B- [( t" r5 V, A1 ?, H8 E0 ?3 uI fell in love with you 2 t; w% {. e' x; Z5 V+ M
In the first sign.
* v# Z2 b0 {! F& UAs spotting sky at a summer
4 K' R  s% y. O4 C
. e! M7 X' B3 T1 ]4 S% l) H  u8 VYour lip is so soft
) Z# K& v8 _! s; dthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss9 b9 @* ?( i6 K+ v+ R+ }7 T# s
Your body is so sexy
8 M( \1 I0 M7 G: F; uAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.$ o0 a' q, w  W
! @" f- T! T. _7 d! |
I am deeply in love5 g& I# ]+ r! M$ T1 w9 G/ x
Everything from you is so charming
* J: k% n: F1 H+ Xalthough You r so picky for me ' b: z9 G9 _; p
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.+ {" J! T! Q! _7 x. q( r
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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3 C+ \5 Y5 Z( Z, I2 ^! v0 o  D% W' E
His hello is the end of her endings) B/ e& {) k' X5 ]& u
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
" {% q5 |" q) ^# NHis hand would be hers to hold forever
" x( x1 M2 i0 L8 ~6 V6 T+ k% HHis forever is simply as her smile 6 J4 u, s6 S$ L* @
He said she was what was missing
. U  ^+ |6 U" D$ B+ [She said instantly she knew3 S& a8 X7 \+ V. A
She was a question to be answered
, L/ ]8 ~: E! m0 l  N( R( R, X& F; tAnd his answer is ! e8 s( l8 W  a, G! F
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas+ q2 |% N8 M" F: i% k0 U
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
' @5 u! L8 k2 o5 ^, t& h( R' |3 i' R/ J/ O4 ?
It's amazing how I felt
/ {3 I7 w( k. O. y% Xwhen I was with you3 e: E9 {" @) s5 j" T2 D
My heart beat so fast; @. D+ ]# Z% y! r
I looked at you and thought$ w) i0 H/ @" T0 g0 c) p2 P
Holy Jesus, you were so cute/ E) G/ @' Q9 v# {/ c. w* O' n

, m) W8 T  Y$ N( K* VYou left me without a word
* B; a+ Y- J9 F, J% l# r2 [I have nothing except my emptiness
9 x- b0 @# a! _% s( w# QMy mood is like a cloud
5 A+ c6 s6 g4 n1 G' E; {% [How could it be dispersed?( _3 J" H, s0 g- B. `

% D+ h' a2 n: _' @0 G; r. ?2 sFeelings bite my heart 0 T: k% C/ m3 s  Z+ m( c
You are the right one I wait
+ D+ K* d+ u2 D# {; IIn the depth of my soul3 L5 L( W# Z7 @7 ^+ L
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 T9 r: P  C/ ^; T你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
' k& _  d' k4 M: I就和用中文写一次) d0 }/ c) m/ j. ^/ ], V  U/ N
阿,我爱你2 T9 {2 W1 Z$ F4 l- t
你让我心跳好快: S. B2 N2 E- n6 o% {* K0 P, m
你让我脸发热% z- V0 R& r  s- p
我爱上你的大嘴唇
6 \) G  L1 |7 o6 g1 c* u) H) rXXXXX
% Z0 X% m/ ?( h' I, S不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?* e, m. R0 S# ^2 a3 L9 m2 C
/ A! Z) t% E9 ?/ I, ]7 U
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER' [; ~8 q# |1 S& N, h" l2 A
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 6 c" Q- v' x5 O7 Q8 z
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 m. o- U6 V  o. O* f( B# E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道# r  B% L6 T+ |, }1 y$ v" ]! U
就和用中文写一次6 |! Z8 y( L. Z# p
阿,我爱你
3 H8 r  E/ D, y, X% C2 H你让我心跳好快
; _$ K; S( Q+ f# H% J% y. m你让我脸发热
4 E4 ~2 B' N+ m; u* Q% Z0 l我爱上你的大嘴唇8 Q* X) x- h0 ^5 _) D! y6 s1 V
XXXXX: X3 w( h# X; H$ k; T" B
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

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+ c; n( D2 G4 M3 V靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.+ ~  F% L: s( X( E3 M& p% u
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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