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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
8 |4 ?, r0 o0 e. p) d5 Z,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  # K+ H& Y. ^) D4 j2 t( {  R; U) L
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 4 `: v) S% p% n3 E# c1 k
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.4 Y1 Q/ r: t! r5 B  Q& e. h1 I; L
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.; I' R; }5 [( a9 y8 S2 q
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
: [) N/ r, I/ Q% \7 J夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.0 k! C& Y# m* y& j3 G
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
; b0 s  \& N. R! b2 D/ z就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.) O! v, @2 |* v- S) ]
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及8 n  ~& N5 \, z
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
+ o* G+ O1 I& C" q' d* _" c; |& H世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.  l" l7 c/ [2 J9 U4 B  ?( S
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
# Q( G: p2 K/ N! P想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up., e9 I) p+ \6 ^! ]0 O# m- e1 L
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 6 ^5 l7 N0 w: c  D4 Y$ U
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
+ m7 N0 q* z: N+ L醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
' G' o1 T, O8 ?- ]' T迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.$ [, H9 ?9 \+ F3 `
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
0 y: H5 _8 ?$ X% O1 m/ L多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?' s4 P9 u: o: R& v
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….) C" {  J% b" l' z' X& @5 q
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
+ n$ R/ x8 y8 @4 Z不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.& t/ v; c- p1 I; c' H4 W6 r
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
  d: ]9 M$ _- C为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?+ y- n+ d$ [) R8 B" V
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!. ?7 X, |  {* [- X
永难平息的泪1 \, u& k, `# {4 d/ k+ m. N
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes; y% n0 @) a1 ^2 D- \  D
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
" Z. I; K1 I4 T5 o当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.2 h( ~" ?$ F" p2 Z- R% ]
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,8 X. H8 q7 `1 H0 H, |
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul ( f0 g/ ]$ p8 g4 I
一抹微笑;0 q: G- Y& Z/ o
一个手势;3 L" I5 T% q  o$ ^
一片话语,% Z1 S- [! k$ m/ P! y, `( g( [  k
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、8 v, s1 G/ Y" G6 J) f. W# W
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner0 E  l% P1 h4 Y# _& D2 p3 r
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.* ]% z3 L3 _" N6 J' `9 m
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
/ m7 D; I; F( h7 n也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..& q: u0 n4 g0 J- G, y
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
0 Y! s2 b! x# Q# G我并不以为然。
; t0 R3 H  ^, v可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
" i$ E; Q8 h8 Z: R: N4 |8 Q慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .* X4 {7 l0 f9 Y
被一种情绪所左右,
7 r; ^7 [# M+ i' N- C总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .' N$ I( z: A2 s& t2 h" |9 U
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
" j9 c0 Z1 q0 c5 K7 Z也不问我是否喜欢你,* v) Z" p$ G1 b) ?1 s! W7 w! J7 s" l
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
# ^& N5 N6 C* B& e8 |" O: I只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
4 x5 ^; t8 y! _) _: t3 w3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you% n; F0 x. o6 s0 r* o, e# [7 |
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
) J7 ]; b& C: @然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
  @. M, K  I1 c6 n- k! [你的身影已化成一种氛围,; ?8 N, S" I, b4 J& _! N
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
8 C9 X& j7 D0 S* ~/ S: E你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
1 F- \9 o  {- c6 I2 N  Q5 D  |/ @随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字2 t5 z, z' r3 M1 c# |$ ~7 U% u
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
8 t" c1 E9 y" [一种声音,and your voice
# G- L( N5 b% }! N' q% K) q也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
4 C0 b4 K  I9 G3 W" S7 v# k4 u掺杂著幸福的感觉。
, j: T! ~* m0 }, j( Y4 w: ]0 L/ h与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
6 `! i% R; T6 p4 o  v( T) y" I象雪花般撒落在我的心田,( V! a3 |& b+ B+ {, L
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.% \6 H: |+ Q0 w! b7 d
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。1 z; {! l( G& ]$ L7 p# F6 B6 `
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
9 n6 h8 \( c* P  x5 M有一个能够让思念的人,
# b1 P# z: s. U0 ]( b其实也是一种幸福。
: w0 ]# Q8 |2 H" s' X8 t% ~尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
' L  @: R8 b% y. q+ l; s柔柔的海风,2 N$ E3 h9 q2 R  q1 P# \
甜甜的夏天。
7 r9 ?5 w  a- ?. O9 q7 i一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" O/ G1 ]; A$ l只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.: ^7 E0 @; {. D8 ~6 U
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do." r% U' M# {! r- N( y5 Z) h5 H+ u0 `
想和你有共同的情结,* n# r! }5 T  ]+ x" j! s) R7 @$ p2 z
共同的心愿。
7 `9 ?* f) @; \; T% V9 h8 r2 S! e  _! m
2 K) T# l3 m6 E! r0 ~8 @) k
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you' j' R6 Y1 T% ~* C2 N! D+ i+ L" @: e
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
) L$ d; q" F- y/ s/ U; e或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ; g; @2 v/ `& x: T( |$ f
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
' y8 q! s9 T2 r/ o『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?. T6 \6 Y; E3 c* m8 Q7 n
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, & J; E$ |4 x# i2 T6 W% v8 ~
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”' ?6 t1 l3 }* H" P. J
或是轻轻的一吻,
$ c0 O( C, g* i再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
& |% r2 N, S$ H7 S# R4 t' {! A  ^0 x9 {就足够了. That is enough.
9 D( X0 A3 @: _这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
, G$ s( Y: |+ P+ ]% M( u9 m终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.6 x* p& R* e! S  U) Z3 }2 |* N7 E# O/ S
萌出了芽,+ q* w, J: B8 d! ~! z: F  i
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing, q0 l& d9 J1 n( a5 D: |: {" [
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
: F- Y) E4 T9 B' e5 v如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand+ d% r3 C7 x% @  L+ n
能够牵著你的手,8 O6 ]' z" G6 o) d
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 X( Z" b) {" f- }8 n8 A/ Q# V. {
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 9 ?3 \) w9 x5 X( y
慢慢地细读,
# ?* u, u' o8 f我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
4 _$ g  c% f0 N/ G在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
# k# e5 @7 R4 }) d# R$ f2 }我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
) m6 Q) C. F& W0 l# ]& ^就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:, N# b1 J" F+ ?' }+ u* b
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
. F" J: {3 ~& m& _2 f7 s7 q眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
- F7 B  d( v* P' A6 Wchange to:lacked
# N+ S6 c' W" L3 C; v. A" V猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
- G1 Q2 ]) `& p  d: p; F0 J  A" NCats often played at the whole hot night.
# s8 ]$ ~* W: ^) [- t4 l 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
6 W4 C, `+ {: C0 h- V改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
/ p( N& `9 o" @9 {& b' Z$ Y& _& z% NI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
4 G- p8 f3 c: g, @该为:throughyour hands.& f% y/ I1 m! x3 w
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。* S8 g* s% K' x1 v! _' O' q
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
: s  ]$ Y- ^2 {1 U! A0 L2 V  Y5 q至少比我强。
4 f! ~0 c) A$ Z  j- _5 e偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
( n% Q0 D. {. X! E9 i; A) c" D" ]& C! m; \& M8 u2 _& @4 v3 j
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
) N$ t0 F  o/ [+ V# ?后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.) z. M$ u) |( q% S6 U9 x3 l
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
3 ^/ t6 {9 d& ?2 [' V9 i8 I' R前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:. b9 n. D9 q8 K: h; l; L
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.% P9 l, r, [+ @# O4 W: k, g
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.9 z7 h- B  E7 e- X8 h7 ^4 `+ h
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
7 v/ L# u6 b' ]The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
8 @  N; ~7 M; vSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.9 A4 U6 e4 }* Q. E
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
. [( Q4 P( W7 q2 \1 ?5 M, W# TCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
- s3 X- |/ a$ ?* z' Blike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
8 h+ d2 ^6 G5 v) z5 ~I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.% E5 v) X; W+ T( o6 H0 U- z8 h; U
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.* {' ?5 A" a6 L' @) _8 O" F2 D
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.6 n8 `; t+ P5 s1 I  ^
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
0 E7 D# P9 X5 T5 `I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
7 e; D, C' b( h3 KIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
8 C6 K6 W. ^6 jIntoxicated then feel cold,: }1 S' m% I/ V
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.7 [+ J  A4 O, K
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
2 j) e. E8 y5 ]! X0 WThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
2 h8 k7 m2 G* NWhy I am always hoodwinked!" G7 T; g4 T. U  B
I have told myself many times cautiously 1 l8 }6 c0 q& N3 |. }
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.; n9 ]- C, N; }6 u7 D. F7 S: V
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
, B( y5 J! W- h3 f8 tWhy can`t I take it easy?
( x6 \6 s' O& PHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!1 {: T$ X! S- a1 W4 Y# F3 [
When the quiet night comes
3 v! x  J/ J! @7 lyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.: J7 y1 T+ Q0 ~& ^1 l3 I8 [
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably." Z5 A1 E& i! B) [. P) Q0 B( b
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,6 ^$ x" z5 t0 I- U) t5 s
light the dark corner in my mind.
( k! j& }" n9 q" d# fI feel a bit of cozy.
& P) Q2 y" g6 M6 XThe deep attached to you in a twinkling# [2 H0 U: l3 m/ s2 a& x
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.) {4 H& Q# U0 O% D
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
# O5 C+ a2 b) p$ [2 sbut accompanying with the time passed
6 n9 P9 d% G+ ~) @/ X: SI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
. m$ Q7 o+ {0 p* n  g0 Lalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
! h- N9 A3 ^  V: v: O  E. xWithout asking if you like me or if I like you0 ]! D+ n8 Z+ H5 c8 K, S
only feel gracious for your existing," O2 A6 s6 Y* x2 b7 \" r4 B
onlt want to do something for you.
" y$ o" b1 @( }' U, j# [: |5 mEvery time when you meet me9 K* p3 T5 O& L/ @+ e1 p
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,$ o5 ?3 {; f6 K& o4 O. f( `3 `& Y
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere7 c2 J( l% c, P/ x/ S" a
That live in my heart.
9 z7 H! k0 v3 Q- [. u8 R' ?Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
# B  K# W. L* Q. b* @/ L1 }Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
! y; g9 t# f0 f2 y2 C% ]; R$ Mmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.; T$ M& \( M( O
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
3 F# b% ]$ O$ `7 e( L" m7 asuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
! E5 W# }1 D  b. T& TDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,4 ^0 w4 g! ]+ X0 [  q
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
: M, q4 J1 q+ z9 T2 ]4 q7 Q" qSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
2 p+ ], A/ M4 a+ K( u# z" Z- _only waiting for you quietly0 I' A- b2 T* L
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.  V$ e) }' w, J' V$ v6 B/ Y
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
* ~1 f% T" O2 band enjoy the rain washing together
) I& j: a8 R- J, T- {6 Ior rush to a film; B' j5 j: q) y
or listen to a music quietly.
1 `3 }) U! U0 m0 n. oWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?, v8 \* J5 d- v6 \# i0 ]8 |0 [
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
1 f9 Q4 @" x. B0 X* q' x6 @smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".- K& J: e. p( ^1 b$ b
That is enough.
: I7 @% u# B8 C" VMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,6 V+ z( G* d7 u; c* y
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,% b% e) [! p7 h) |
the same as my missing.- b: w9 t+ F& s5 s/ Q
It comes a little bit of verdure.& J- }% W. X, G- E
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
6 g7 H8 }: i' ?) R, ^$ e5 c2 tthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.2 M) f/ w9 ?  @5 P
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.7 c9 ~9 P& f9 C, b! x) ~
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.+ R0 j4 u5 P, E- F
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,3 J( Q% r+ I/ S, {8 d
then I will have all care and ardor.
; a1 g% k, n# N' LShall we walk arm in arm?
4 z" F- W4 i. \+ \呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
( W8 b& W0 s/ e# b8 R+ aLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.# U- X( K, m6 j9 B  w0 W- j
I am still the same person of yesterday.
" W  n  b7 C. h0 N, mUnchanged name, unchanged I.4 K! D. T# C& t2 m" `% `
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 5 X3 q- q  K0 z5 C
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
( M; j# B" Y2 l& `7 t3 PMore or less,
8 j5 J, C  ?$ f& ^  `: T$ ]' G5 F) O a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes./ O; T7 t+ S3 y. [
  L1 s5 [+ ~6 C) A% Q0 H/ z
Summer easily slips away
& h; f6 E5 }4 k- \# x+ |Those long lost hot nights
" X! z* Y$ g9 n can only be found in the old days. ( u" w) n+ M) g) W' `5 F" `6 Q8 h" M
. Q; J, Q1 M! Q3 D  c* N: d) {' y
Cats jumping over the window sills, / i7 Q2 Z8 T% g" ^; E# R
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
5 _* J" Z0 U: b' n7 r& u* hGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.9 u. B0 J  a* D
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
$ u1 Y& \; Q% ~1 u7 R; U; }  zI am still the same person of yesterday.
# L! F  g7 U( e5 bUnchanged name, unchange ...
5 m" B/ c/ h4 S2 M6 o6 L
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 - V# I' [; @# ^' [# t0 G. b! |3 C+ M
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.( U# m+ F- J+ W% g$ U& h0 |
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.) X4 B% ^3 Q9 x2 p5 C
I am still the same person of yesterday.. S: [% I/ j& g
Unchanged name, unchange ...

0 x3 N' y9 e5 j$ ^4 Ti like it.
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