WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
2 L3 l* P+ E) B! t6 {5 Ewrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
/ O* R8 x9 M' k/ tinto a regular workout routine.
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6 T7 O5 X  j( H' \: Z  hDear Diary:
1 H, }  z! `+ i% c4 g: G* j! J. @
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
* d$ {& s& j  s$ o$ K) kweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
( p8 J% R2 w; }9 x+ Q0 l0 V9 Z4 Wam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
, S; D* f/ W7 pyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
' o5 ~3 M! S  S: C" y# g3 D. w7 Inamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
9 a' |5 r  Q! {0 }/ I/ _instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
7 T2 G; O: P# s9 G; I' k2 `, h+ dencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
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6 M' b$ M0 O% Z& v8 b2 ZStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

8 ~8 y# _# g2 |5 V) xVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
7 B0 ~6 i3 L! ?. r, b9 I) f
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
/ _* @6 c+ A7 R4 C* m7 WI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, Y6 g; T, z; T3 nand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
0 H" }7 z, T$ h. Utreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
& t* y3 q3 W( j; W# call worthwhile.
9 y3 j/ p4 X( J, ]+ T
6 b5 s" S$ O( ]' z, p) xI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
0 p% W2 X  l2 p' V4 U) |; iThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
$ B% f5 l* o# S6 Nbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
4 r. j. r, e. G3 O; L8 T0 kearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
" C, h  g( B/ t* [; F! Ttold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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8 Y6 T6 m4 Q, P# wShe said some other shit too.
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! s' j5 n  y* \& _3 V' \% r- K3 HTHURSDAY:
8 `9 M; v7 ~$ Y& I( F: e/ g& sBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
( {$ X& Q0 I5 b  c6 t: ther thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
: D: U& o' h2 ~0 ztook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
7 x! K" I" W6 `0 B+ I3 {7 V  wI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
" Q# B/ A. V# j& w$ x' Many other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 d1 `- |3 C, ]; T! scould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

$ J  W& u: h; `5 d* i" y0 e# m$ hThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
; M# f8 T6 i& ]# p# L" x' W9 ?teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

: y% U& c* Y. F# Z2 r  DSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
- Y+ B2 `7 S+ s6 W0 M' z8 R6 Kshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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9 B8 u  I# d  q' zSUNDAY:
2 ^0 H' }) V/ f. I( TI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
0 k1 [" [# p# E2 J. qand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 g# T6 w& S2 z; x, y1 X0 E2 lmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
. ~4 l7 h' P- A8 \7 A- s( L( za root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.