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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
$ n# r4 T* {2 Ywrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get& @( B+ b" p( o+ L6 W- a
into a regular workout routine.
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( A) X: P/ z: f& { _+ y# g3 Q" j$ mDear Diary:
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+ @. o7 q; _$ {% Z6 `/ JFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a; z% u+ `7 q/ ?6 Z; F# I6 t
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I o% ]5 i# K/ @) e) u
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25% n+ e" o2 O4 G0 ?' ^5 `
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
3 {8 t, q1 q; e$ K4 B% {try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
|% U$ f( D8 T3 K0 P w7 @named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
. o: Y. v; Q. J) C2 j0 Ainstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.# Y: H! v7 D7 ^, A# A# f$ @; s
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
7 i& j, C% w7 ^. u: v; M0 y3 aencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.* E, a' N/ O0 H7 P" W
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
1 [6 `: |2 L" Gworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
/ l( E, ~. a1 X, Kme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing1 \8 r1 Y" Z3 W& x3 H
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
' e# [+ l" Y( Z5 ~5 j. y) Wthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
# N# }7 r5 \# ^, Iin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
7 F4 t" q7 X* n' d( |which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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, t. a' t' ~& ?7 K3 H, HVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
6 j5 V6 `1 z1 t, ^$ H; |although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she- Q! \/ o4 }( ^# f& m
was around.
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( K" ]7 k3 ?3 C; ZThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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, E7 B; K. j- w/ A. `+ l S) [TUESDAY:
- X8 S. w3 b# A: K; w1 V% I4 G& c" ?I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 p7 \3 U1 y {9 j( B, w) BBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,/ K, j3 e9 r8 |: W% h" m6 h
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
1 @9 X/ T' T( m; otreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" l, {% P+ J$ E G) @" k! fall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.4 r4 [: S: D. a u' ~9 h8 ]/ L
7 w: V: i7 \! J# X9 f, VWEDNESDAY:
% h% @6 J3 L( q8 Y5 F! v! C2 ?* mThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
9 _/ [/ J4 C9 M8 s+ ]' V/ Y! j6 r* _* ^the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
6 Y! W/ b9 r9 ^a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
) N% x1 O& ~7 J0 X) ^steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
$ W$ o! u x6 A4 r. T- ^& Z; F% A' ibothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
# l1 T! w3 _) E+ K) aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine6 T# c; |( u: c2 V( B6 C
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so( j" E. V: L0 m8 A G0 k+ S
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a; e* H1 g+ j+ X) D, W' k. f' c
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda+ q2 D% L. D O
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.+ r4 L# Z2 d* P% L
3 x4 \. L- F: X! }3 J7 eShe said some other shit too.$ o2 |, _" s# ~( H
g6 g* l+ Y1 }# ATHURSDAY:3 k: J9 M, @( x6 K! f& F9 ^ P) U
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
% ]& t- t4 r' {& {her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
. e8 W$ d$ v! J H0 x# qbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda3 C% g2 t9 A4 ]/ {9 @
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
0 F' d- D7 r% @0 z* D1 F( t# d& x) _hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing8 A& M; x4 V1 t8 v f, [
machine -- which I sank.
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0 f$ m) ~! w$ s4 g0 C9 LFRIDAY:0 B8 f' l) j7 M( M: o" [
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: `( z( M7 V( l3 j* A2 ~any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,0 q5 E# S% y# T. v
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
( d# d3 o+ y1 `could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda2 W, x: C3 q# r8 F
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!- M c1 R. ], J z
1 V- L9 B- S- R7 m M( J5 rAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
& g" z5 e, W& Y8 A7 xthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.$ }7 ~5 ~ e g" O& v2 F! @6 ]
7 q+ K3 r# C6 x! h. o0 W$ t9 gThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition3 b( U) ?. g# a5 X7 h
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
$ ~; v: M4 H( B. R$ B, U9 @or the choir director?/ g8 ~4 b3 `1 S: O
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SATURDAY:+ A% D3 B: \2 L' P: t U% z2 Y* \2 o
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,/ l( _3 B# x% x% C r8 ]
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
1 G9 ]3 \% H Rmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the/ B. {/ `/ x2 ^2 T/ y9 @ y- k* w
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight$ u% X: I6 f; G/ `# r: s6 w C) `
hours of the Weather Channel.: c3 t! e3 j9 E9 s# l3 |
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SUNDAY:
, f' Z2 X) k2 E8 O6 EI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go0 |$ G4 O2 }0 M$ y5 W a
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,4 r& R9 Y( p9 N4 Z8 m
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
0 D# N, a- D, d8 W: m- Va root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
