WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 R; ^7 Y; }/ d1 ~" Nwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
9 _/ R: |# q% Z! C9 v: e, R  N+ b
& A; t% ~8 G+ ]; `3 r7 U  E( H5 gDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- s# ]. ~% g1 H) kam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
* C1 M' ]- u! K, D& X( Ryears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
5 V+ t" L3 [  n) einstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

) e" N9 X* e* [* }My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
: A' q' l. V8 bencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
- }* S$ h9 @/ D, z6 J3 N
MONDAY:
5 E3 P+ P, N, N; v) G" c
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
- Y$ u- M; `- v" Xworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
: P5 X' |  Z" v( p% ?$ ^
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
* S" w# R( w  Q5 Q) ^that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
  g# x( Q3 z  M" M+ ^1 h3 }which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
& v8 d& Q2 u4 @3 Ialthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
$ R! |5 v" m  C9 O5 p& M
0 ?' f& Y; X, Z8 wThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

2 |* M3 [6 j5 D: wTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
0 }! ^. O9 M* i. C2 j7 n, z) Aand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& i: |0 g1 D) |( z0 E, d$ Xtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
1 a* E) p, B- ]4 u: s5 h) |3 Ksteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
$ q: K# ?. \4 w  w  N' NBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
9 ]( B% U) i7 f$ H$ Q' a
She said some other shit too.

$ J. k6 e& V0 ~THURSDAY:
$ ]% l6 a8 N) OBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
+ H% R9 w8 q+ A/ ^1 R/ ?* [+ X" Ttook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

* n' Y! n& C8 n) f# P) ?She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
( ^4 B: X; [+ B2 q  z: Hmachine -- which I sank.
! v: |2 O6 g* y
FRIDAY:
" h" u* W% ?  T1 ]I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
$ \$ O0 y, V6 j* Ianemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
( r  ^' W* E0 S. c5 N% L  U/ |- C
  l" m- E! r( J& h5 ?And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
5 g+ n% y! a# b2 ]& ^
# n3 Q, Y. \  k# J1 |9 U0 l4 M( n$ kThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ N1 W8 Y9 t( a# l: {, b- Dteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ y. s  q0 Z. H; N9 G8 p1 |or the choir director?

$ d* o7 B, V  v0 H  p- ]SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
* ~+ E" H8 ]8 f0 |' j) @# \/ zshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
- F7 K# i# |3 `# w, Z& Zstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
9 h, T( s: J* ^$ hhours of the Weather Channel.
( ?& h5 l$ H; b8 G6 [2 i- A
+ Y8 G9 X: t$ g3 u& P( o# YSUNDAY:
& E# t; @/ r7 q2 B4 f. I# ?$ FI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
3 O+ q* H7 D) T. [and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
, t) @5 p8 u1 t- ~$ |3 Ta root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.