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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
; u& m# g' H5 S: O) {: M& gwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get- s( x* c9 q: n3 B
into a regular workout routine.: b) X& q0 z4 m5 ?3 t) N
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Dear Diary:
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` N: g% K9 F% D# vFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a+ B6 ?8 d" U% Z9 b* K$ f9 p
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
" p6 y* n5 ^. d7 Nam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25* e5 X# K. O6 }6 u; X t# V' |( I1 y
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a& J& a/ _8 ~( ^) |1 y" ?, h# I
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
7 t8 j0 T- | I9 \6 h( Q; vnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics, Q9 o; F7 w6 P& t' X8 ^
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.2 X8 ~3 G$ D) f3 y' F4 U
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
0 z/ k% T% @7 ]encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.1 [3 U2 i% [0 {1 Q
2 F9 i, W3 p) }3 Y6 |, p. ZMONDAY:
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" T1 k: }' ~) MStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well# x. ~& |2 A* t* s ~8 |! \
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
3 x/ A {6 l% ?1 h5 tme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
) P; w! o$ H: e; M) l' weyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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# B2 W4 f# z& \+ Y% A1 k6 hShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed$ j* p: n6 Z2 y) @/ o
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her$ L7 i2 i J& Q' P4 K! n9 L% S# E/ l
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
# V4 A6 w* U; v1 {3 e( Ewhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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4 v( o( l3 e+ F# ]! YVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,7 U \% `0 A* m5 s, A$ A% J4 {. A
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she6 Q; U w' p# F# S i6 n
was around.0 F- i: w& D- L" j2 [4 D
& F, S }0 ?. [9 Z: ZThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!$ q$ H4 L- A$ F5 ]
' P4 m8 y$ e* v, J9 G, DTUESDAY:
6 T1 U5 f' F; V3 ^/ @, qI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.+ X3 p! _8 m. K
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,; B- T9 `) L4 T! D- Q& C
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the, q! H+ V$ O% [5 V6 g
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
5 K5 P7 C& [+ e6 Yall worthwhile.3 G/ y) X2 L9 R3 Z
# j x# S, ^1 J3 tI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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9 j$ A' m( l" f5 t4 g8 l+ s! k* u* LWEDNESDAY:
& N2 L5 e3 r( d1 ~" `$ m4 rThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on! T1 ? a, N+ l( k
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have2 H$ g5 e' f3 Y+ q9 S2 E5 H
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to( M$ R- o0 s. P! Q8 p. j* U& h
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams; [: Z4 v' K/ S) r7 s. V* I0 I
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
7 x' @4 I! j! B; `9 T# |early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine W, J# [1 P: O w! B, a7 }6 E+ W
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; R9 b! Y- L: E* rBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) K3 O$ B$ ^) X% ?- } w4 N$ F1 Emachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda9 W5 p) h- y% I, }8 Z# ?
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.4 V( Z2 Q- N) a
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:' W/ P. Z( c/ z$ e, t2 q
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as1 ^2 F: Z5 ^0 e+ R4 Y" w
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help5 ?( V9 s" ], u W' T
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda% W6 t8 T8 ^5 u/ r) ~
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and0 }2 c9 T7 y" Q% O1 i% L
hid in the men's room.( ~, z( k5 b+ C& D! b) m
0 D0 \' H8 F0 S! _2 w* DShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
2 i+ R/ L- @, `: b" Ymachine -- which I sank.! W* ]0 `# l1 c7 G; b; }
* ]' z' s2 I0 ]FRIDAY: K, Q1 F- w H$ v
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated( `: J$ k/ q: g: r: a. R' @ o
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,+ Z' ^# N4 ]7 l w
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
$ ?. A' U: K/ I! n s, G, @! {% Acould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
. M! u. d- k* G+ b: xwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
4 Q7 h2 C) q0 M2 \the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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' c v/ D0 D6 {5 P) p& TThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition! W7 k( X& O2 n4 K. W F
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
6 J" C* ]2 g% r( h" ^" Gor the choir director?) p- r& R" A+ f) X
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SATURDAY:
, f) a& d7 G6 s+ k6 G% k O: q# iBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,+ ]# m* V- _4 s2 n# i' j
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her& h+ f- z) J9 r' F1 O* \
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the. |" w% Q5 t" b9 A" J8 V9 z
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight* L: H6 E) Y% _. F
hours of the Weather Channel.
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" N8 Y$ t& Z- ?8 ~# a% T! L: ?SUNDAY:7 U+ J2 n& |: s2 F$ L: r
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
& o% l, I" z/ b3 [- f3 Rand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,' Q2 H4 [5 S1 }" i& ?( V
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
2 B5 ]$ U% f- w; C J- K' s$ y4 Pa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
