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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something8 i2 ]6 }4 `& W9 j% X
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get; y6 X# W" r1 f/ {0 h! s- j
into a regular workout routine.
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+ L1 J3 z% P+ h4 }0 z: SDear Diary:
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3 h7 X7 k6 J; PFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
7 Y2 n( k- h! O+ F0 Gweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- v& o1 q. {6 u) P1 F: v2 ]6 qam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
! N( u+ r; @1 L4 k+ g' ]: Eyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a/ ^. f" v4 c D2 P9 V
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
4 R1 L7 B( j5 [; _6 d1 gnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
! d8 m0 s0 y% U, X; Einstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.& L; P o, y' u3 V0 T
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club+ h0 S1 v# g9 p' k0 ^
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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! J7 ?4 W0 i; z7 z' i! n" e- ^Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
0 \# R6 H& V1 B0 R" w3 M! oworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for6 g+ I8 J# U) @
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
( h+ U- {% x$ }" X( ieyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!: E3 B0 C# C5 X0 |; y, o
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
: Z: t6 x: u" R; t, k% Hthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
, W5 v( p; P4 h# V0 s8 Lin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
/ K- B2 C8 `0 s, C: u0 i/ rwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.1 Y6 q6 S! a% d
+ {; M* e. {: z/ i( \/ ?# ]+ K% M7 nVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,& H$ Z1 N2 i* ^- D
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she% z( [7 v3 Y0 A# H) u/ d, N# ]
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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/ M, J; {" `; ETUESDAY:
+ Q- T* n7 ?* L7 N' p6 LI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 m3 H3 ~7 l5 ?& Z$ B) w c, o/ K. oBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,6 M) R1 B5 U* o9 u
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
! E; c1 X4 k# K' i( htreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it( j4 `* Q* c5 u7 E0 w& }; N# d
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
d" g/ }+ i- x, t9 B, `The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on, q0 {* X" \2 }1 n; e' ^
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have2 w* x! l3 j$ M+ a, O1 X
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to: g" I* ^6 R) u' w4 s7 s) A# X3 ]
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* ~# b4 S+ [/ x! f( Jbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
- u3 s% t: p2 g c' |3 V+ f- D& ~early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
" L) S5 e+ [# P% E9 B9 _ `! F2 q6 }; u- xthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
+ r: O, x% N. }2 ?Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a# _: a0 h# }- {- o. [2 J' \
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda, u+ Y2 t, i. _) q: \& R; E
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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9 ~) J6 V( a$ E; X; ?' j4 A& [6 nShe said some other shit too.7 L' Y- Y: J5 T# Y
" n& @% {0 |) C; b* qTHURSDAY:
# `2 x) Y/ Q" }3 \ I5 c4 ]8 n. S; I" lBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
5 c l# i4 ^8 R1 f Uher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
8 p9 }9 H# M4 Ubeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
' ]! D, Z- C/ m1 X: q. m8 A/ T w" {took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and4 n+ c% U9 n# a, V$ j2 u$ L
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing/ f! X4 n1 B5 A5 b. v4 j; |" U% A
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
; J: I9 g4 i8 {" F" `7 f! O4 j% P% ]) KI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
0 `2 c4 S0 j, E4 J8 iany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,% z, j( o" P* A
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
8 E- c' O9 [ C* p7 ]4 y6 Y0 icould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
- N5 ]0 a/ ^0 j9 w* fwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!, e$ O1 Z$ ?4 f$ Y$ E) I4 o+ j
1 L. e. V1 l6 B3 s) v" {5 ^And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me. @ A0 l5 s& O. ^, l5 \7 e5 V
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition9 Y' F5 S: I5 L0 I5 B' S& h
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
' j4 \ P. ?8 W# |4 e5 w& Lor the choir director?! k2 [, B g4 E6 _% U6 d* g' a
' J: x- R: c, F1 _$ X' R0 |SATURDAY:8 S. k2 u& F3 t1 p
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,) ~0 ?: E7 o" j% X* E0 {
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her0 L: d* t U z' I5 w7 V
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the: c% D. b3 ~1 Q
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
/ ^: `9 G) |- Q. G9 lhours of the Weather Channel.
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9 A% x# C& y/ e2 u/ r$ G; `1 dSUNDAY:9 e: R8 g H& _* X; k5 v
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go2 u( f6 m6 |) c9 Z
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
% `8 [5 b' ^# Zmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
, b$ x d* U. @, k8 Z& E& ga root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
