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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something- O; X t( B( W* a
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
. \: ^+ {- \* [4 {into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:% z& W* X$ F7 P) x- C4 Y4 b% V
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a2 [. D: X6 ~/ G+ U! m
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
7 v' t7 U" B0 P, xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
: [6 U) h, q$ ~7 w$ @$ syears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
5 W9 q i2 w0 E/ g/ h& n/ `try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer, q$ [( M# `7 u7 p8 k7 R/ y- r) T
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
# v- r9 `0 ]7 i8 t7 F9 U5 ginstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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5 [3 V* D( d' W. |, U. kMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
7 n" u/ y9 o* V8 V2 [encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.- J1 [% C9 Y% i6 z1 s5 ~
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MONDAY: l) E$ @, Y- t- v3 o- z
$ T" C; i" C& m* T. i9 Z6 z. DStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well' Q8 a" j" }5 ^" q
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for$ w2 B; T' [) v3 X+ U; H
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing! W* h0 }' `( ?: G
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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$ t3 m: K; B, T' s _- S B: dShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
* v! B, \. k6 |& W& ythat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
: I4 Z) D$ A# N: v, }in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
% | s) c! ]2 h% d: t5 swhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.# y! s5 q7 `( J) C9 V
/ o6 D9 D! L% `Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
0 _/ k" E; P9 O/ X6 {& L, Calthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
4 ]) G+ _) O- j' e& ^8 Twas around.& [, P2 O7 [% E; }
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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* E ~# x0 C6 j& H& c5 ?TUESDAY:$ z& l3 {3 x8 l9 _
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door./ h) G' M" U& y" d& o, B2 U1 C
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
" t! O) u0 |; Y- v# j* q/ Rand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" w0 s+ C& m9 F5 Dtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
! g/ d" B# p& V7 }5 Tall worthwhile.9 A: B& z3 {+ j1 e
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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0 y# v1 B6 |+ B! F6 WWEDNESDAY:" h$ ~ ~. V: `2 n# W
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on& I' }: {* H; h+ r" I6 Y
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have4 k+ n z' o0 `$ O: e
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
8 d+ {* x* }0 a. _/ b$ W5 W1 ?9 usteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams4 C# ^5 Y: b q! z5 i/ e
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for& G: \6 y" g! A7 G! [
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ A; `3 T# D% U4 F# athat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so9 t3 q$ c! g. R) y, Z
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a+ l& E' N8 W8 Q; z
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda( h1 z& ]- B: _* f/ A1 q, _( i
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.# y t+ s/ ^. Z* ]" g" r
9 }2 C: Y$ C% I, { ~She said some other shit too.: m2 J) R, W6 v
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THURSDAY:
4 B! P0 ]4 Y# o# [' B3 ?% q4 lBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as' P; }/ k$ N- l0 W
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help1 e3 f; J2 ~, e c9 \: K. |6 M
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda) d6 T) j3 `4 P* u* K, e+ {: L/ Q
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
4 R. o6 T, q* I9 k$ Whid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing/ ?! \; E2 o7 L
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:6 a6 q0 ^( E! m0 N
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
2 I7 ^( _5 N, X3 v* ^2 ?any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
$ I4 U( [9 H5 I f* v0 g# a8 lanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I/ w4 s" i2 e0 d
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
4 @) ]: x9 @; c) K3 _wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
+ t4 R+ Q& L3 J5 ]2 lthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.) G, A% E. b0 L- i/ a
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
& G7 @. D; h: t" W1 k1 lteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach( v* F8 g1 {9 B1 V! r( {
or the choir director?
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6 g2 E o! W# z/ N' l f; x0 JSATURDAY:( H# Q, _% `, S$ P
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,7 X- b, g; `! ?: G9 c: r" m
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
7 r7 ]6 x# Y) S q4 qmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the% e# g8 M0 z. H4 s( e
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
4 R8 @. }" W2 p2 R" Bhours of the Weather Channel.) V; w1 w0 A) Q) N
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SUNDAY:
+ e* |2 V( |/ e+ jI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go* {$ Y9 v6 P6 s3 h
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,! U; J7 _/ _: `
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like& E. R% v" a7 y5 G
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
