WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

3 d( p  q% i# n# W" f# HDear Diary:
* Q) t+ E, n6 I& w
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
* Z8 T) A4 I0 Qyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' g6 O3 R3 @9 \: r8 P0 btry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
2 P; ?) t: c/ k# ^& ], Z% Minstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
9 H: _/ g4 F( M& z
8 [, O2 b/ V/ VMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
# i$ k" j+ t! V5 C% y" B* t
! i5 }* U# d6 s: }1 N1 Q# @MONDAY:

4 P0 f9 d/ g9 }- @$ K% O( a, LStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
4 k  s8 c( R. v4 U% xme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
! X4 s) o- Z# U5 u/ W* _* T3 y
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
0 _; c1 }5 G5 y! T* fin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
/ @- l# i9 V/ K. ]$ B' \+ X
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
5 `4 U  J1 f$ {% d8 s$ r5 ?7 j. zwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
- m! G6 r. Z. M( M6 n9 ZI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
. `4 I& w* G# a$ fand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

( B5 \$ J  W/ s8 K2 Q5 }% ^I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
6 y* I$ I5 g) d4 D: {
, c6 L7 F. C  k% b& GWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ o/ @6 P; ^# M7 P2 G8 F( s4 [early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
* G: U1 V. M6 T- L8 gthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* V9 b4 }3 B4 ^machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' P5 N* V& ?8 k3 vtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
5 x, k7 F- V8 n( A1 Z! ?
5 w) \3 a; }. S' H. o, U' JTHURSDAY:
. d- U; c. n* B9 ]& m$ I4 sBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
6 S; y; I0 N$ e( H# [being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
8 Q& }  J  b! I" i+ W! ~took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
7 ?9 K, ~& O) w( c# `hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
6 f3 A: g! s2 F) i* g
# p& Y3 X8 ?# d. S3 a. ]' Z) HFRIDAY:
1 d5 j5 n( K$ A. e- JI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
8 g6 Y, o3 j% F% V' kanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
) F% @, M) H! V) Z: fcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
: }2 l6 {6 Z9 mwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
& z# ?: M9 E" W: @
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
9 U) @0 M9 b  R: Q. n
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
9 U: F. `! m7 [7 Rteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
# x7 |) j" _7 ?) q2 Kor the choir director?

SATURDAY:
5 C7 p0 _6 T3 X- I( C5 IBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
" o3 f0 Y0 S! h% L. Q( gshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
4 i* Y/ C$ u# H0 k1 n* F* |made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
" X4 n. J  v5 j( ^! Mstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
9 U/ E! h; b$ S2 qhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
) d' U* d4 {) H4 }and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
, Y1 }/ G( b: ^& q* k+ x4 u; @my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
4 U& x% ]% q5 E& ]0 Ga root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.