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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something# ?/ T8 J9 `* M2 I
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
# U+ A* |5 @9 D& A4 f, einto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:( h. T1 C* I' F; A
6 N2 m) Y `4 F- T: D3 P7 H% hFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
( s% W/ g# h# L5 eweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I: R V. d' ?; H# p% Z {0 y# n
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
: ~* U6 K) @3 O2 i: d0 e& Syears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a+ p4 N9 s8 [" U, Z. D( Q9 [
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
3 l' z8 b6 Z( b6 B1 L) s7 tnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
, F" x2 D0 P( J% _8 i9 ^! q- hinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club# z4 s7 t. K1 q2 U- a
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.* |2 K7 H6 I* G) ~) Q. a. ^
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MONDAY:/ `, Q1 y1 a- @" w
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well& A2 Z$ k1 o9 k% u2 ]
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for5 W0 [% l4 v" u" m
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing3 G; q5 o) H- p" y
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!: H" A) h5 X) R9 D6 B0 w
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
' ^1 I8 ^. O( H# I! |' R tthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her, p# f0 k$ h+ l/ L* ]
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
% V- e5 J- c; \1 G4 T* I4 Awhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. R% D9 j8 ^3 _% x
) _* G! ~- H) }: W. AVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
% n. V7 z4 m6 @! P1 N& ]( K6 ualthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
! E. x! S' y; h8 Awas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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; l2 t0 l6 H1 s% t+ MTUESDAY:
/ O( Z/ V F3 [' a0 [$ WI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
4 W& {9 M( a: P; `2 S7 \# }2 Q9 HBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,' b9 T3 T9 o- |* t4 C Z
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
$ a# j8 \7 U- n! v; Utreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it4 }# `% m8 o! A4 H C8 V1 }; f
all worthwhile.
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8 b, f+ [+ ?! _' U& k/ @I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.$ D( P6 A# F1 X: j, P6 ~! x9 T
. W) l0 j, E, ]% ]- v5 t$ gWEDNESDAY:
# f+ p5 I/ W! Q6 v/ y& I. d- q0 OThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
* Q0 M: S% h( F- K" c o& {% Ythe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
# m4 `7 X3 ?( [2 p( ma hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
1 _4 ~* |. {3 f: b0 ^8 osteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams6 [* Q. C- s9 s/ S
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
. |7 Q& A: w6 j4 U ?1 Fearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine- ` J6 i+ k( V K$ E8 s) n
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so0 J: ~& h! e0 M) n. |
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a( K4 A) ^. x6 [ v
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' q/ g( p2 s u" {- l; wtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.: I4 u n2 d. S* T. q" v0 N
0 l+ [+ e5 V0 c* L& X( b, J# JShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
2 R8 J& P9 f$ ~! {' f2 }2 a$ CBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as3 {0 K1 N& N/ v3 Z' I$ K7 L; K9 o
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
; Z; e1 X7 ^4 Vbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( }$ K P+ B: d2 ^6 i1 ^took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
5 s! }; e# V+ [4 s5 S! u2 yhid in the men's room.9 D W$ _' y2 l1 e% z8 r
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing: H6 p$ x' Y9 A4 J! }" K
machine -- which I sank.
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# N2 S, X( q# UFRIDAY:" |& i/ ?6 k$ f8 l. G q& A
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated0 d+ v1 l# S6 J4 o
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,* i& ?# e H5 |/ P/ y! b) j
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I/ z# r: t- e+ b0 U
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
5 d" M5 v3 B. z. iwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!2 {# u+ M2 n8 G, @3 t
k; Z# l8 \( c( |& \$ v8 [, N: U1 jAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me: s- u, x# b5 W# M; ?, R Q4 `
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.: O& ?' H+ h* s* v/ v$ O
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition+ m- G2 V5 |+ b
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach( w B8 N) Q8 ~$ N+ x7 G+ ]" a8 @/ }
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
0 L5 Z; ?# a; F( H _/ h* WBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
; B- f6 ?, r$ T; x2 z) _6 {& Wshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her" r% _# D% ~) e3 R, ]; B* p% J
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
) A, e, S9 R9 I6 Tstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
/ }# I/ ~" w) @1 Yhours of the Weather Channel.4 j% W+ }* w. z* i9 M" ?( W: W
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SUNDAY:
4 i! q( a/ |1 X6 {% t# P, PI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go9 c- D$ R3 l8 f" m
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
, Q% p6 A$ T' o( {my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
) r, l2 c- _. y6 t( Xa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
