 鲜花( 0)  鸡蛋( 0)
|
If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
# m! q1 L2 S1 }( ~wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get* C" M2 m& ? m$ |3 Q# V* C
into a regular workout routine.
+ [5 O6 ]0 M4 n- B. T; R5 M, d* W; C1 @! D8 w* _ ~" R
Dear Diary:
$ [1 d5 F. ] R- e0 |4 s4 X+ Y0 b" N* R+ }
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
+ S6 h& W. z% o2 Tweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
& @3 W) h& b3 |& E4 C- z. ?9 Cam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
8 m2 Y" f/ }8 w `' v4 V1 Eyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a3 ^, Z% X/ D% u. i
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer# n4 l$ y# O9 N7 K
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics# A& R9 k& ^: m0 @, }5 E
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.* y1 i3 }. m+ i$ Q1 K1 Z
0 \& x# y* V mMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club8 b: h8 ~2 j% a L( R0 i
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
9 L2 [% x$ @% Q9 O; R% x/ N X$ t$ L! R
MONDAY:
/ e1 E6 v/ x0 o8 R: j0 E6 S- q2 H; q0 N0 w4 k3 ^( {8 h. K
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
8 K) P- i- o" E s, Bworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
* v9 ~# D1 c/ @, |0 P' mme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing, f8 v) t" n, `9 s" a3 _" S
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
' a) @# q4 Y4 S$ }' i/ l& p: J3 e4 D2 u# t% `8 v9 _6 r
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
+ G- s" L8 w3 p/ G, a/ m- fthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
7 m* u; n$ ?+ _+ x7 f; n, a3 l7 ]in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in+ Y. e! O2 p0 v5 }
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.* l; I9 w( }; W2 K8 O7 o9 I
* X2 L1 S2 U" _1 hVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
; \) r6 h7 W. ralthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she7 W( R$ [$ H F/ o
was around.
, e i9 c# M, c- m+ A. E2 w
6 }! G* v3 t1 LThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
3 X2 _8 v! ?+ g. E. G+ v |
) {3 o x1 m1 f& I( ` ]. WTUESDAY:
/ H g0 l9 {" {, @2 XI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door./ I& v4 L8 M4 n4 ?. ~
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,- q* z' P' W H3 n$ n
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the' N; M+ P) P: J U X$ Q
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it5 j! r$ h4 P5 C% ]
all worthwhile.
+ T" S- \& F, X: ^7 y
1 W8 C) c# h8 @; vI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
" s3 H6 _3 b% |/ E- g1 I$ p# D5 Q# J j3 u; P; y4 K" U D
WEDNESDAY:
& z; o7 V; `' x8 ~3 c c6 pThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on2 p6 `# y$ Q5 V# O
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ u+ @) C6 E- Q/ L7 [2 La hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
$ @, d l* W4 l$ jsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams6 I( A+ ]' \. L
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for+ K3 e( W$ n2 F4 l. ]' p; ^: V
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
6 q$ |' c4 h; p( qthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so8 A' @/ ?. i, u! b/ y% V3 o8 ^$ `
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) |' \5 }6 t9 dmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
, i: i5 s; y% Ntold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.) X, D2 ]' x9 S) s% j# W
1 E9 i0 ~9 ?: N, XShe said some other shit too.
% v& n1 W6 p% s4 O; r' c
2 {) k+ C8 n. kTHURSDAY:& Z& \) V& l2 W( @$ T3 t8 K
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
6 n$ w4 {' ^" q, yher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
0 `. d0 L* l' e* K6 z6 }being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
4 K& E4 ~% f) c% \5 a2 ctook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and v, c1 M2 E$ t
hid in the men's room.
2 R! t: ^- u1 x! j$ D- y0 g9 g' ^/ x
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! B. p: \* C1 u# cmachine -- which I sank.
4 M' Z% B2 ^, E1 m
6 D F$ V; {* T, XFRIDAY:; s5 [, C8 r: s' H
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
# ^5 l3 s; u0 T1 _4 @2 ]any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,, E5 e: ~. S7 f2 e
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
8 Y z8 E9 A9 a9 v6 Hcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda* `" w4 O; B2 L0 @0 D, m; {* d* r
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
' l) T1 g- o% }7 z. [$ v6 { c" n. @) P$ I0 ?
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
! t$ k) o6 t4 h" Sthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.$ E% U* t" K7 ]$ e7 d% g
: A8 L1 a6 d; t8 E8 s9 k$ {
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition5 P) ?; B7 [4 A4 e' v- _2 o9 ^
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
: ~$ i6 K) G/ V6 l5 F4 x3 z/ h$ Jor the choir director?1 O+ f1 I H% V3 p; c
' D! [$ R; @+ @1 C/ U) VSATURDAY:
1 [* R" r! ^! K& QBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
/ n3 u/ I4 J* _/ X2 ?1 Cshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
" f t" E3 y7 [# i* [8 c6 D4 a, ~6 cmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the- C8 E, G" _+ s0 n4 O2 n3 g
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
2 L! \+ k, |' W" g% shours of the Weather Channel.0 I- {8 M2 u! ^, `" ?
0 o8 K% E# k- ?& `1 W
SUNDAY:
) Y& J7 ` n T; k* fI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go# X% k& W7 z) r( _1 ~4 z
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,- C+ {* u% P( C
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
6 m9 V- O2 @3 D; C$ fa root canal or a vasectomy! |
|
狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
提升卡
置顶卡
沉默卡
喧嚣卡
变色卡
显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
