Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

8 h; ^% G8 k- B7 ~" fThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

, ~. t1 O# ^% Q' {! x1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

4 t3 @. C8 v: |% |$ R# q3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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. p" M" k5 |2 s( |! D) n5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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+ Y7 z$ \/ I) G0 N* I6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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! {# M; v1 }: y8 f  Z/ z" O& @. w8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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5 E4 T6 i2 b. _. `2 N7 ?* J9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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& |; k! V. E& I1 U/ o10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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8 o7 _2 i7 T2 m6 F" z6 }13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

1 q& T; @& z5 c3 Y14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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/ @/ K. Z7 c, P1 L15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.