Modern Definitions

l8eac

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
$ ~! v5 Z2 d3 \6 p
6 t* d: T7 [  ?# e) WThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
, ~: b, C/ k  _, `8 e. C: Q
7 i" _( H, K# i7 C5 Y# S3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
9 X- ^7 R9 Q8 x$ v# V
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

' U3 @* z$ ?, [( k6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

3 l$ p. g- m8 P8 V. k7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
0 Q- A0 n5 o, g2 J% z0 l! W3 Q
* K( T2 N; ^) s/ ^2 w* ]( p; x) ]  D8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
8 n9 J  R6 s% s! K. k  G5 i
6 L/ g5 U0 g) E& M$ v+ |/ a# ]/ J9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

/ b+ W% k1 q. X, o' t! h10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
3 a# h9 n) \7 c1 R0 q6 Y
) n. x& N/ n6 Z/ F1 r" y11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

/ u8 s, _0 V" [: x8 ^/ Z/ n$ L7 n12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
1 d3 B% _8 W" l( `- c3 W  u, @
# t% y/ {9 f5 z( U  P" }" \13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

; j9 m% J8 N- Q+ b# A/ ^( d15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

" w" [9 _3 M6 U/ G2 A16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.