Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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, X! s$ e$ g' u4 I0 c* qThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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4 Z' @1 w7 p% C$ F5 h1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

- E" C  ^" p, A0 X4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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+ `, @0 q& N5 X5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

+ H* z6 Z5 t( n! _# v. z  A6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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" p7 _+ h" S: b% T6 C  E7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

, _3 ?) U; ^9 K$ ~/ O9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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/ q5 \8 ]8 c' q11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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8 j1 [+ T, N1 ^' A" i12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

3 `: {4 l( B! a" K13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

- x$ p* n  c. y6 @& `* C14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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+ K! U. P9 Q3 U0 L* f! E/ S) ^1 a/ f  O15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.