我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
# D' f* m% Q% e) U3 c. v
1 F! ]' u) n! w9 M! t. e) m4 tI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
) j+ Z* C; J% u5 _$ G3 |9 ]$ k
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
$ e" w. P' W1 w  d) ]9 a. f6 ~They are shining stars
3 E5 ~$ q+ V# ?0 X6 A# _
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
& P% B6 E( f, ~5 T7 vYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
( K( V9 {& \) y( B4 `
I was deeply in love
2 x: O) a% B( m" y) ZEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
8 |9 d: q% e6 z1 t0 \And I think all girls sound like
1 ]$ v4 [  b! m, x  T4 [( P
+ Z# ^: K" W/ y: w( Z$ Q8 rYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

% j" |+ l1 ]' b6 S  }7 G/ D* lI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
2 H3 z1 S% [& {# t2 r1 iAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
! n4 ]. `: O$ j0 aand I am helping you to improve'

& d5 B' K. _3 s: }You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
5 }' i& F% `' {6 w+ qcan be shaped whatever you want
% h7 ^& m* _& B: X9 R5 B0 ~! E
unfortunalety not my heart
: e! w1 \8 N7 K* P8 _' Y! JIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

- d. e# L' E) {  tI will never love another
1 L! _: F7 I' }9 p4 s2 GIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

# b4 f/ W/ g6 G& @咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
) B; i# o- C! @' [# o  |, hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
# L2 Z3 t* ~" r' s" Q- ?And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

; r8 R6 n6 I& K- Awith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
7 R! k7 `" f1 l4 }0 Y4 x& I- QAs spotting sky at a summer
7 g3 O/ m4 v+ B- M: R  l
+ q  S. H6 p5 m6 d6 C4 v( _9 e* tYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
+ j; K* p. X0 Z/ j9 ?) UYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
" P, n, B6 E: T$ ?5 I8 \( @/ t
  t. N1 P. g( M5 {2 S3 E3 y8 h' N9 PI am deeply in love
" _: v$ c$ x4 F) H8 x3 QEverything from you is so charming
. v/ Q! f) e. ]1 |although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) p2 I% S5 N- }7 j5 ^5 l6 gBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
( d0 |+ R. p) [3 f7 @

- L1 s: L# j3 B( wHis hello is the end of her endings
, e2 m3 @7 C9 R2 X4 R5 [Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* v4 N: N7 ]% o. E8 P& tHis hand would be hers to hold forever
/ [. O- D" u. XHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
% R3 v/ K! k. c; @/ t; s$ OShe said instantly she knew
5 a% O5 {8 _  PShe was a question to be answered
0 p1 X( }& E+ ^" FAnd his answer is
+ w: i  J$ b5 [I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
  [) f; d0 @  b, D
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
) V; K$ _2 b3 ?4 R! t! dwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
$ o8 t. ^+ o7 u9 m- Q! H" YI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
* U# C' j. h: ~
% c3 j# ]& c0 L; jFeelings bite my heart
+ ]* p+ H9 d7 y5 X! V0 Z5 Q+ cYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 B! b  L2 b  j5 {6 e就和用中文写一次
& R- v$ K5 l; z+ a% _阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
" j5 E+ u9 n0 n你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
) E  B* L0 W& z( c4 \! E不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
1 H" ]" h; H* s, a( r% s% V% u1 D
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
2 I# b7 k6 Z) j6 w我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ `, F) f0 F/ \. G  qXXXXX
5 W, ?9 F" d( @0 E8 z不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

& {# D0 K, W- ?# n/ F3 H2 @靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。