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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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I fell in love with you
" s) U( d$ M2 v% o" ]0 SAt the first week we met
. k% ]" B1 q" Y: h' F: }2 }% T5 O6 S
* r" j) A: ^7 tYou have charm, you have looks2 R8 y1 m+ S1 v# d+ }6 i, V. r3 s& K0 h
with full of pimples in face# t7 ~5 \5 m: ?5 N6 F' h  `% A
As spotting sky at a summer night
! D) Z! O' [  }7 PThey are shining stars
0 x( ^: u' t" k8 t" C, w6 V. u" s
- t3 `8 v# P' I* C, HYour lip is so big, n9 t( q: ]& ?0 X
And that’s good for a kiss
# W! ~2 z8 n& x6 lYour body is chubby/ [. F% T+ |$ l  g  U1 N7 G
And that is good for sex
1 [8 `2 j4 j3 Q  u6 e+ S6 j# {0 l( a) M- p1 F. ?% o7 i
I was deeply in love
7 j9 I! W5 o3 H5 `" xEverything from you is positive+ x# x* T% V* g
You blame me everything and everyday" w0 P  q+ ]3 e9 o9 L! n/ z! q" R$ A
And I think all girls sound like
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' |3 Y( a0 C4 }$ r& d, tYou could not stand my eating
9 `5 q: B2 ]% j9 }Saying no good for making funny sound
7 J# d9 i; W( ^7 `3 }I think you are perfectly right
8 r4 V/ ]- D+ x/ MEating with sound is a pig
' M+ b- W7 `  S) P( }! r1 b4 g% i" R' J* N1 r4 v
I fell in love with you
$ a) K6 H; ^$ t7 W9 xBecome a fool to think
& Z0 c; ~* s7 E, ?All trouble things you did  g5 ]! d% p; f$ n' D) G
And that is the price for love, }+ v" V* ?5 F  x6 Q8 c3 C
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you are deeply in love9 C3 @. ], B9 K* F1 a- F
Everything from me is negative
/ l0 V% P0 H7 Q) Z- P8 M"My man should be like this,8 e% B: ^5 l* g7 k+ Y
and I am helping you to improve'
$ L# U* P' H: n* q: _: a8 o8 D4 @: d/ W; v* ]
You are loving me
# H* l  W( k+ h+ F0 ?, xor that one in your mind?
; n  a2 I9 Q  n6 S! U  NMy mind is like a mud
) A* k4 m. S! ?can be shaped whatever you want* B" k+ A: T2 b: v8 m8 d' s$ D
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unfortunalety not my heart& j) v" y: [# I4 _' P' ]
It is slashed by you
7 p' M# W( ~5 y* K. m: ]: U1 @and I am seriously hurt4 g7 T8 g6 y  g) S# P. Z

/ ~" d* g8 ]6 k1 X# l1 ]I will never love another
# T, [) l: ~: ^8 w0 aIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 . f2 {4 G! Z. e
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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0 M5 K" [9 E1 ^4 [  Z咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!" B9 T( s5 p+ A# d" S0 {1 ?
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
: B+ H9 b, K9 Q1 V* ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.6 o6 K' j. k4 Q$ H( t7 V
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed' l+ U$ ^- n8 F4 \

* Z6 C6 j2 G) C# ]5 Y) r; l# v6 ewith the charm,
, |% ?! ]0 {' i5 M& V2 Swith the simles.
' y" x, a/ R7 s( G$ Y; k% LI fell in love with you * Y% O/ o1 V1 A) a0 l
In the first sign.$ t3 m  X/ F+ q# q
As spotting sky at a summer
7 R5 Z0 I3 N0 N
4 S$ D6 {! Y4 T4 qYour lip is so soft
& y2 U$ p$ x8 Y( t5 W$ V9 ethere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
' }8 k, r7 ?( F  W) FYour body is so sexy; t$ ^. S1 t9 _- n" Q# E+ R
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.' K9 s6 n7 V( D) f1 K4 l

  Q3 @9 [0 u, f, M! I/ r8 {I am deeply in love
5 o/ }/ C$ S3 ~. g$ h( f* E9 qEverything from you is so charming
$ h" t* w* c2 @+ r3 U, Ialthough You r so picky for me + ^+ q  [" l& q
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.7 j7 ^7 e* M! w9 S
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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His hello is the end of her endings, [' |' b. p' A1 L/ S
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ d: g( L+ o# B# J) y1 JHis hand would be hers to hold forever2 ^9 G/ h6 \* Y% H
His forever is simply as her smile
! [' W1 [: @* c; m9 q$ |4 e  Q: _He said she was what was missing' U) M. s# }* ^* L4 t' d7 ~
She said instantly she knew
8 c$ d4 `: S; DShe was a question to be answered9 U. [/ _" q$ ]; U
And his answer is
6 c, v! j$ @; q& [( nI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas  G9 D$ u( y/ h, r0 V9 a& ~1 Y
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt
- k8 ~1 q0 I2 k7 Swhen I was with you8 i% ]1 P4 |% g0 h
My heart beat so fast
% O& |0 ]5 U; h: l/ pI looked at you and thought+ V2 ?1 m/ z5 y: |; k' T+ ~2 U
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
5 U3 J& d/ y& I, p2 ]. ^/ h
5 n( o' x, ^& s2 |You left me without a word
6 ?* R8 U& q5 i- O+ N5 nI have nothing except my emptiness' `; z- K; c# P$ K/ @
My mood is like a cloud0 |6 f8 H1 V8 }$ F, D
How could it be dispersed?/ z2 C! z) k( a; p

, o7 {" c9 q/ m- E% NFeelings bite my heart
: u$ y! A& J0 R5 i  Z# Z3 {7 Q. ZYou are the right one I wait/ e# g& A, I2 @5 ^- p
In the depth of my soul
% e3 U6 R2 f8 HI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; x- g1 E" D5 h' W1 k3 J& l+ ^你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, d: C( B) Z6 j, E# d( }; d2 a就和用中文写一次& F# o7 V. l0 V" O$ t" B
阿,我爱你! C" ^1 C8 d& U2 U
你让我心跳好快0 d' Y* Y  J* x( h( h
你让我脸发热, O8 @  E, w. `; d
我爱上你的大嘴唇+ Z+ [3 Q, ^( y. ^
XXXXX
: ^$ ?& I: `, |3 W, Y. W4 H不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?9 r; n1 S- f" e# G0 G5 u
" V$ h4 _& I# y. s
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER8 a* \0 i& ], S7 a: ~7 x" A2 |9 l# L
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 0 A7 u- d8 |" F8 V
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 ^) i$ Q  ]: Y0 E+ ]- q# {3 `
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" o$ b/ x% ~4 F就和用中文写一次
9 q1 ]. M& X3 W" i阿,我爱你
6 v' n+ d+ K3 J4 D你让我心跳好快) u8 Q9 L, E0 `6 Q- n& S4 x
你让我脸发热' O( v1 E8 w: v% W( @0 @& i) I
我爱上你的大嘴唇
7 z' ^: f' `' V: HXXXXX
- M/ b# G2 U, W' b  k不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
1 F; Y% X7 i; ]5 [
7 T& w& f' i' U$ O2 s
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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