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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
Falling in love/ {) |1 Z( c; E( a
  f5 p9 p; R, z$ x' V, Z- b8 z9 Q' M$ K
I fell in love with you
8 C. A% D1 ~4 C1 iAt the first week we met  F! u0 ~2 @6 p# @% V# P/ m$ t

/ Z& w0 j7 J1 m# ^# k: y- F' x' DYou have charm, you have looks4 _  S9 r: T, Y8 ~
with full of pimples in face
* s' ^, N# v( t4 c( zAs spotting sky at a summer night& E, B0 `# K4 A
They are shining stars  l9 ^+ `& i6 |7 a* R# `6 H

8 X+ c) P( C. D4 \4 HYour lip is so big2 |0 B" z: A: O4 E* h
And that’s good for a kiss$ B3 S( e: d4 ?  r) e/ l
Your body is chubby' e. l6 v8 p% y: z. n' ]6 J3 a
And that is good for sex! V3 B3 e( h+ W, c
9 N6 I+ R+ z+ ?9 ?
I was deeply in love
6 v- n' ^+ n2 v+ Z; q5 DEverything from you is positive3 I8 C' m) n# n1 r1 D8 O
You blame me everything and everyday
8 H1 o% N+ a/ h2 j3 Z- DAnd I think all girls sound like
( |- d- S" ?/ K0 i7 r7 z  m2 T5 r- [4 f1 n$ B6 T
You could not stand my eating2 @9 L& g( g& t
Saying no good for making funny sound
0 h, E) F& }' P+ ^! \! v% QI think you are perfectly right
7 F, K# \9 F1 a7 p1 _Eating with sound is a pig
  z4 j* V6 P3 |. R+ R# [8 U; n9 G& C% M
I fell in love with you 5 m( ~$ ]7 O9 T: a/ `: g8 Y
Become a fool to think6 [8 x' `- U' g- ~; J; m1 {
All trouble things you did+ j3 ?4 l9 V+ I/ P) P' U8 U
And that is the price for love
) B. Y6 ~2 r! N3 g+ N# n5 @  ^* `# Y0 X+ P8 O6 t2 P/ M
you are deeply in love" A; D, u3 o8 t7 ?8 E% }
Everything from me is negative+ T. w) u( C9 L) ~- ^; ~
"My man should be like this,5 X0 k5 W6 K2 d9 M2 p( V( i
and I am helping you to improve'
5 P- M7 C8 ?* b% U/ `4 ^+ g1 {; ^" }3 S2 o" x5 N: P
You are loving me 5 ?4 c' I9 v- G8 I* S/ ]5 j: w9 O
or that one in your mind?
) n" _2 E2 ^6 M; d2 w% KMy mind is like a mud
) k, q. D5 d2 C2 Q( Z% scan be shaped whatever you want; N+ g, v9 v3 B9 _) @: b
: V3 h1 s: S2 l, Q. a. y+ A& ?
unfortunalety not my heart
4 F! {" }- S7 D8 aIt is slashed by you * _6 |& T% X8 l
and I am seriously hurt5 P2 x* N$ }. z5 q+ W" O. r- g
( m% b6 y' g. E; x! k; p5 P
I will never love another
% L. D( [3 B" k) l1 U: j: ^8 @If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 . w; H/ ^1 q4 E0 |2 {* u- k) L- c
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
0 e5 j% Q7 {7 x4 q4 R# m7 f

- r- c1 {! o# ~5 e2 C$ Q咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
+ b: |5 G; Q" A8 e! Z0 T不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 7 R2 k* _4 t& N
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.- o6 B# l9 h/ Z' D% S
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed& e7 y8 e4 z# ^
% J' u! H, F6 n# ]9 E' v, a& [, e7 W
with the charm,
0 }# N; b, n7 G4 p, A; Qwith the simles.2 V- r% u( H! T; q  P
I fell in love with you
/ k: G% z- l& P: m% s( mIn the first sign.
4 |: i3 ^5 _7 u' s0 j" jAs spotting sky at a summer
' z( o$ o! Y+ S7 M( M/ }% m2 v0 F0 w1 }
Your lip is so soft
) V8 M% ^' K/ c- }3 k5 T% Fthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss, c8 h$ M  ~! N* g- n$ I
Your body is so sexy1 E8 Y8 m/ r  V  g
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.. Z% h+ I! O. {( g) }, j+ w* R
- k( A! |6 z8 r# W+ b; V: I
I am deeply in love
* k3 I# s$ k; [: d7 D( p+ N0 jEverything from you is so charming1 S3 M& e  L: a: W! _9 g5 Z
although You r so picky for me
: N- a+ q2 l. J0 @$ B7 \' h% WAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.2 }& B, m8 h; a- p' n# d; y
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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4 \+ C+ ~; J( |
, Y/ g/ f! e7 f+ z3 F5 t& \3 T& VHis hello is the end of her endings: V1 u/ X9 V- F! {8 R% m
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle5 U2 o6 m6 l6 g! O* t$ ?7 v6 {
His hand would be hers to hold forever
8 U2 d" e" x- u( p0 v% v& n" [His forever is simply as her smile
1 \$ c0 R& a6 U& oHe said she was what was missing3 T+ q* C/ H% T1 Q. R
She said instantly she knew* s( I3 }' X# s, K6 O8 f: |
She was a question to be answered, ]9 z5 U0 p! m3 a
And his answer is & T" s" h( D! }+ ?  B: D
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
9 [0 b4 `% E  L( T* s! E/ q3 V* c0 w+ `2 T2 O6 p
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ a5 f; ~7 R- q+ q8 N( B! X* x: y# }4 e  ~
It's amazing how I felt ) g) G6 p2 A1 v: L2 ?1 V1 W0 |( S
when I was with you
7 f5 X) f1 d2 W& h' NMy heart beat so fast1 G$ h) f) ^' t/ Y
I looked at you and thought
* h- Z! I3 W, |, ?1 I: C' eHoly Jesus, you were so cute" c  b  P( w  Z5 b$ f6 l( \
$ G5 T: c# V# [, C1 K1 \9 y9 j
You left me without a word
6 ]- d% k, g+ }! w9 w- nI have nothing except my emptiness* w& I; I& G; U7 ~4 a- F- f% e! ]
My mood is like a cloud, f! Z' {7 ]7 P8 H: K* a+ l; s
How could it be dispersed?
7 Z' j2 e0 c& F9 s) f& ~
8 j* c( w' }  c( qFeelings bite my heart
. {* q2 X4 w; SYou are the right one I wait
( F' \) A( V1 N) d' MIn the depth of my soul
" _8 s2 h; F. fI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ T3 N1 Z; c; K/ @6 h! Z" I你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 h5 [7 [' F# h& G0 {- [
就和用中文写一次, q$ }' h7 P' G
阿,我爱你4 T1 x# g: k1 ~+ O" \. B: Q
你让我心跳好快
7 l9 v. f- e7 w4 d7 e你让我脸发热8 u7 c8 _- x* @) y
我爱上你的大嘴唇
9 B% M8 P1 C3 bXXXXX
# ~% x! y) y: h, ^& t不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
, c) P- f; n. L8 M
' N1 H0 Z) q3 F9 @如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
' E; O7 y7 |; Q. q6 \5 J3 [; C! x至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
" Y. V  s6 Z8 [/ F7 C6 Q闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. U  }) U% k8 ~% d+ k) {
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* Q# J2 Z8 u. ~就和用中文写一次
# v! j8 w( u; V3 ^阿,我爱你. D/ e& I3 P4 X/ E/ d/ A
你让我心跳好快. ^7 m  I4 {5 F' a$ Y4 |' i5 u
你让我脸发热( W+ q, X! E" n; r$ L; A
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, Q+ g: m$ z1 y+ ]/ h5 RXXXXX
' |. d/ }1 T$ r2 `不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
* H/ A' f& c' X* Y& V" L

, J4 |/ A  c& R  y# K2 P, `靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
大型搬家
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.4 G; ?/ l1 @. [
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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