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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love  R- }1 ]" n8 Y5 a( D# f( m2 b
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I fell in love with you
/ |9 e- ^5 V1 w3 wAt the first week we met+ W! q9 A* e) r. E/ B: B
1 [. A! I( j! V
You have charm, you have looks
) A) D$ n+ N0 V, t+ R' u, K/ C5 ewith full of pimples in face
1 j  g3 u% }8 dAs spotting sky at a summer night
) H$ E% p5 ]9 |& A2 a. |They are shining stars
. D8 P7 t; g: M3 Q* G% z0 H* M% n* s7 w0 ]8 f$ V. w" z
Your lip is so big
# j+ _- G: z% u$ E& {, A" rAnd that’s good for a kiss- D" s" R" K$ ]" W
Your body is chubby
# ~3 A6 A6 [# K* T( uAnd that is good for sex
; i" {. i) w( g/ |
2 J3 s) i, H1 k3 n3 o  R9 O6 a5 ]I was deeply in love
2 \6 K8 K5 I  s4 KEverything from you is positive
9 ^6 L1 X- x8 N6 e7 g- ^* s; I$ e$ A2 BYou blame me everything and everyday& N5 d: W% Z' ^3 E" j; ?
And I think all girls sound like9 t. l5 k6 T" q( k# L
3 M# ]' a' i  M& g" d( g7 T
You could not stand my eating' U$ }. K2 B, ?
Saying no good for making funny sound$ T) _0 L( g1 e9 e* \6 @$ j
I think you are perfectly right1 R7 |& B0 G$ X5 v. h
Eating with sound is a pig
) K6 k% h8 ]# `# K) N3 q: d2 \0 ]6 q' F) D
I fell in love with you 3 c1 z8 {) K8 v. I
Become a fool to think* _4 ]* Z# `0 }
All trouble things you did
+ c0 _6 R+ N, l2 X$ d5 Q# ZAnd that is the price for love+ O% M0 B- u# k
3 k$ g# n) |4 |: L
you are deeply in love- h) ]1 K8 }7 ^/ p3 L
Everything from me is negative
5 r, T' d  W5 Y! |( g; H"My man should be like this,
* \+ t5 g2 n, e$ h9 d& b. l. N0 {and I am helping you to improve'
2 Y0 \/ T% o  Z, |$ Y9 A, l9 r8 N+ b5 [% \
You are loving me
* i7 v5 k+ j  U$ Z; B: y9 dor that one in your mind?7 G/ E& |' h9 t
My mind is like a mud
5 L$ A2 f* T, d8 S) pcan be shaped whatever you want
3 ]. L8 k( J' ^9 F: E4 q+ h) r9 n8 i7 `/ P
unfortunalety not my heart( a- I6 ~5 r/ M  G" b
It is slashed by you
5 v% P  y8 F0 \& q( G1 S5 sand I am seriously hurt  F) _8 B& m8 P0 [! y8 Q9 x# W
8 B  A  G# C6 ]
I will never love another
: k: i/ f+ n5 s3 Z! cIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 , _: k* B& L! l: b: ?5 J/ K
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!8 w  C7 r1 S, `- x7 u& J  `. w7 s
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 0 D) P1 D! e) w, H% x7 _
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.5 ~0 A/ `7 u$ @( d
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed3 i5 W& D! l0 _. Q# b1 f( t
- b( C7 Z" _+ H1 [1 J) x6 d8 ^4 }
with the charm,
- F! G. C& F  U8 c$ [; h9 ?with the simles.
5 |4 g. p7 a% ^7 p7 nI fell in love with you   ^* s# G% [& X
In the first sign.. K( _& i7 `$ F7 u2 [
As spotting sky at a summer
$ x( b( r8 D# D7 \: M3 Q& Y! r& i+ ?: Q. F. S% ~/ y5 P- J- M
Your lip is so soft ( O. B3 U% I5 d  h; ?$ R' Y6 I5 i
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss" z' C; e) M. w( j* }9 N3 @
Your body is so sexy# {. q% e% m) J9 Y+ q1 ^1 j1 k# A
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.; X/ T( w5 B1 _/ i
8 P9 ^; \7 L% @) ~, z
I am deeply in love4 x4 c& O. H) e) @2 n6 \4 r. M& o1 r
Everything from you is so charming
; F4 P. F9 R  l0 aalthough You r so picky for me % o! p; p) e! k
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
& s* D. m2 f0 k9 S) yBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem6 r8 \% D  @* S; k2 j, s) |1 P$ ~
0 }. c* V' m* c; C7 ?5 F

5 N0 Y* H' I! w" _, x, `/ ]His hello is the end of her endings
5 V  j+ F0 l4 U& G( ]Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ g4 e7 u% {0 ?( Q3 t9 cHis hand would be hers to hold forever4 D9 G7 d; V- I, B6 ~# V  K
His forever is simply as her smile
) s0 ?6 L. g- {4 @# a, x. fHe said she was what was missing& e! a  L; b4 [
She said instantly she knew. _/ t. F- S! W6 b7 y. I: R
She was a question to be answered; D! W) t, U; P6 v3 u
And his answer is ( v. Z4 U- D5 L
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt& V. E/ ^& I5 |$ s1 ^3 y
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It's amazing how I felt
$ p2 R) g1 |% r# E% ]1 Wwhen I was with you
. l/ h0 G1 d' _$ cMy heart beat so fast
( ?3 b- o- S4 M, m! E2 eI looked at you and thought; {% J# f# s: }4 c5 r/ t1 g
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
& B8 {, }8 P4 c: N# k0 J- r% ?8 ^6 _
You left me without a word4 o( ]3 S* e' n7 X0 `7 _% R5 r" y
I have nothing except my emptiness
) o1 B5 D% M' ?- C- p* FMy mood is like a cloud4 m8 e5 B& }1 T0 @1 `. z
How could it be dispersed?
+ V# U6 B6 W5 e) w' v0 i: Y% x3 d1 V1 u, Z8 B; L, D) Z% z
Feelings bite my heart / g, Y9 E( N3 \5 }! c3 l1 k1 |; N, E
You are the right one I wait4 Q5 v& r9 M# M" q: P+ g8 x2 I5 y7 O( w
In the depth of my soul
  z: u6 g& C$ L3 F  T3 ^I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* G+ k( x, f$ C0 H* }8 b  y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道+ t% Y7 k! }4 K1 k
就和用中文写一次6 ], ^( i$ y4 S4 I9 O: B( L
阿,我爱你
  X' M# w- L4 X1 U$ f你让我心跳好快
% w  h1 \7 k3 N7 M" T+ }/ x你让我脸发热' K* Q* [* f; d* p$ r  u( \% s
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ x  C2 y& N! k" g! o/ ]XXXXX
; \+ s: `2 }$ ]% ~; W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?; i8 g4 J8 `1 a2 N& U4 q

. N; }6 f" V* R' T+ d/ d/ Z& R如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER! f: M/ C, y. N: F' ]
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
9 z. F  t" P- ?1 @6 w+ R( H% _闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 J4 \* R2 L, ?& V! e) W3 V& \你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道: ^$ o3 k( ]2 l% n
就和用中文写一次
# m, b9 j* b7 g7 W" F; I9 }! P9 i阿,我爱你. i3 n( {4 m/ I/ i: a
你让我心跳好快
' F. @0 W* Q$ O7 u* N1 H0 @2 a你让我脸发热' B) ^+ g" X7 J+ a$ N4 ^
我爱上你的大嘴唇
! [6 K$ Z6 R& @. s7 q7 m6 ~XXXXX
% n& s. Q+ F! b/ V不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

: A" c) `7 S5 E/ T7 E5 p# f$ A$ [" r9 L7 B, [1 a5 r, Q
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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