我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
, y' h) o6 _" _6 T  b  u
I fell in love with you
8 u: M  T% Z2 r) D" i7 }At the first week we met

! x  R" U3 {& t) K% qYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
$ @! `: V" Q9 W( V1 E: @" XAs spotting sky at a summer night
7 B, d" Y% L8 c, Z2 S; Z$ a& I) ]7 lThey are shining stars
0 l5 a3 f% [4 w: r
Your lip is so big
# d4 S1 q0 F/ G9 |, w' NAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
4 K) |' C7 L4 _
% M( C4 D5 j4 n9 ~) VI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
7 I% D- j* `4 S% P0 L/ Y: MAnd I think all girls sound like
& n. J; x4 S+ U" M8 z3 c
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
$ K2 D$ X2 l$ j8 }I think you are perfectly right
( T4 n2 O! t1 M# J9 i6 |" k# M% DEating with sound is a pig
8 v  j8 o* y: j6 `# G
I fell in love with you
. M, H& v6 \: V9 T+ @Become a fool to think
# s) m4 e2 x7 S+ W* ~; dAll trouble things you did
7 x* p9 c' ~, p! k2 PAnd that is the price for love

  I' R( T; R# W4 ~+ ~1 Kyou are deeply in love
# V2 F  K9 `+ ZEverything from me is negative
& U& D5 L* T! y# h"My man should be like this,
" j( C& `2 M$ o  i9 B7 s' ?and I am helping you to improve'
* a" j+ y/ w5 H( T+ @0 h
You are loving me
) U9 W5 O& n3 V2 c+ Sor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
) O* `6 v! R  w9 O, a) `8 S1 land I am seriously hurt

: _! T4 ?9 f! U7 w8 GI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
) [8 Y6 e7 b  X+ J3 m. J* Kmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 N& P( s" D9 p$ W5 h1 `
; B# i2 ^/ }% v3 u! j咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
" Z% [# P) }' G. w/ p3 l不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
2 D% K- [5 C) l! U0 m
with the charm,
% a# Y+ F! n4 s* M9 E% q3 {8 uwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
* e8 i5 Q% j+ A- S. r! YIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 `+ k* A  \. S) ~' NYour body is so sexy
2 V' l1 z( ~9 [: V- QAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

5 w6 a. J; D$ n% _% GI am deeply in love
4 ~! R5 D9 N2 q6 j3 c$ cEverything from you is so charming
- m! Q9 V, X. Q9 v7 U3 B+ r6 o+ salthough You r so picky for me
" Q' u' J; [: X8 q& h' ~% DAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) Q& _0 Y3 W$ y& M, _; @But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
" {3 n# w( J( L$ @9 j- c* `, i& }

His hello is the end of her endings
! ~; \) ]& U$ pHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
3 b* p4 F+ T; @4 Y# k$ {* j- QHis hand would be hers to hold forever
' O6 ^! `! C9 O' }* q3 [His forever is simply as her smile
( l% S; u) |/ G- U. LHe said she was what was missing
" p6 l, q& h9 U% g0 p3 wShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
# S0 p; a4 q: X* N
6 l  Z6 n" J( f5 HBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
2 s) B6 y! e" L
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
6 J& k, [, i9 p- y: v9 m0 DI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
3 M$ Y8 }" W' v. m2 KI have nothing except my emptiness
9 g. n2 X; ], c! E1 bMy mood is like a cloud
( ?) t  c$ f  L& O' u4 VHow could it be dispersed?
9 Y( j0 c; ~4 v/ m
Feelings bite my heart
& _9 E( l9 s& N; f; S) C9 f$ rYou are the right one I wait
% |* U" W) @/ CIn the depth of my soul
( `9 j9 o# ?. {1 q2 [0 X, cI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; Q" P: N5 c6 W3 _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
- r. W) E* ^5 V% X阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
+ z; S) K- E! X- q你让我脸发热
0 H! m% J# k! G* g+ O2 r7 b" `' Q% \$ N我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

5 @$ d2 a4 T9 y2 k: d6 W+ `如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 l' B. h/ P+ Q* k! h$ J0 l至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 K4 {3 {. h$ ~$ c; N. `. F闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. U; o, \" @5 G' @# }你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# w7 K1 a6 [; u4 g& C6 T' G$ O: f就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
5 t/ U8 ]9 N5 y# j6 K0 E" [8 u7 q你让我脸发热
4 h4 {1 A0 [4 }$ p' G我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

6 z: X- ^3 N; [4 D) V
5 a/ E- @3 }8 {靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
4 l4 `5 f: n7 o* N) P9 f

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。