我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

# I. M  y- K) ^I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
9 S  N. X5 A  r; ^with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
+ _  A) |# T( u4 m; i1 N! LThey are shining stars
& b, p6 V* W( a  q; ~; w, G$ `
5 K7 Y( T4 Z4 J6 fYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
1 O! s: `! N" W: r5 k+ i  K9 _Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
0 m5 I( G; _" R3 t+ |
, h5 T' ~1 C  i7 \# @) wI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
* E8 t% T5 y& w6 Q9 R' `, gAnd I think all girls sound like
5 e& l  k% W( ~: T
& a( I! `: ^) }2 iYou could not stand my eating
9 Z9 S/ B. }+ b5 |( V3 L. W" ISaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
, r* p) a  }/ fEating with sound is a pig
: O6 w/ M" x& ^5 ^; U$ f$ Z2 I% N
I fell in love with you
3 O8 `( {6 t% x( z! VBecome a fool to think
. D# [$ |2 s; c  N& J$ g3 w7 _All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
9 A$ l, c9 e  E; q* N
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
7 Y) S8 K3 Y. j, T. ?) u- O/ y. Z4 A' ]"My man should be like this,
0 B6 @$ B$ {; ?' k8 t. S, b6 n& Yand I am helping you to improve'
! e  b. _& I$ d; r! A
0 @! _& Z& ?7 G: g: g/ n7 s$ ~6 XYou are loving me
- u$ d8 w0 }- ?, por that one in your mind?
8 i5 z; a2 S( m# j) x4 D( `% N' M: BMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
5 {8 V4 k. @5 Y, j7 M( ~. K
8 d! E/ q9 _/ F. e# {* Ounfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
. T3 {7 ~: {) h
) i4 ]# f+ O% t7 W5 A/ Q  ^& VI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
( T& B; B+ \5 ]; O" Q' z* s" cmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
8 n8 {" z# N' V9 ?i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
- p' Z- m1 d0 ~1 P  q3 A2 w1 Q
% d9 W; N9 d! P% z( ^with the charm,
with the simles.
& F( @: @& g, }0 S) ^* qI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

% r( l+ K8 G1 _& `  fYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
5 A% V$ B1 h. u# p  w, N& \Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
' T" e& Y; o7 n6 i
I am deeply in love
' r4 L, b9 \& aEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

% n. T7 }2 m" n3 d! ^* g$ ~
His hello is the end of her endings
0 m* l! ?6 Z) a( p7 g2 `Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
+ T/ L0 Z" z$ c7 Y4 cHe said she was what was missing
+ a2 h, k2 }1 {4 Z/ i" v: _* CShe said instantly she knew
7 }) E, a+ @! a5 |1 J  s1 m0 o9 [7 }She was a question to be answered
& l, a9 Q+ r/ x; Z1 i6 GAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
0 T6 |: n; m# Y6 q& l
* e' \  x& c! ~0 y& O0 h* DBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
3 h$ l: P( ?* C) Y, I6 `2 Ewhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
7 v& ?0 D5 a) n4 xI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
% s; }% s- W  F& |! C8 A! p
You left me without a word
* h" y$ ]  s4 C/ i& Q5 DI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
6 n% ^2 B6 H) WHow could it be dispersed?
5 x+ f- [8 j& ?- j' \( r" Z6 |
8 }7 P" F( a; A8 aFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
$ Q% W2 e, n& F& HIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# s, S- p& @" s/ }7 h/ ?/ u+ J就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
$ w1 e0 E( I5 l; ?7 p1 U你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
) R4 r* K2 o; R& }, w9 v' }我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ P. t  g* g. Q  w  ZXXXXX
) {( I1 c7 L( Y2 @% ~6 t, u不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
4 j, R; ]# V' @# U" W. ?至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
& A5 Z1 w9 S# J1 l0 o* f阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
7 e  g# t1 R+ {. D& N, T9 T不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ u  u/ I6 K. V/ K: y6 |靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
# P  C- k& l, a3 i( ~

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。