我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
) K7 G5 `7 }% HAt the first week we met
& H; O+ r0 G9 U$ N- A
( t. U  n2 K. X, oYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
; J! H5 E, D+ f! e! QAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
! I- m+ {) v, _9 h& RAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
& @/ m3 p1 t5 D) u' D$ r" z+ e9 j
& j0 V  [$ j/ @# ^" w9 u) cI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
* M) R3 X- W5 F) {You blame me everything and everyday
: i4 t8 b% o6 e6 @. J, KAnd I think all girls sound like
6 w. b. g$ S" B2 {# N+ @
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
7 n6 W  K5 }: ?% j) e, BEating with sound is a pig

5 }9 V; _. T6 {7 r$ v8 b6 n- ]( NI fell in love with you
; L( R' l/ M  q7 L7 \Become a fool to think
( }& A# x+ n2 I) c! I8 E( ZAll trouble things you did
1 M) d1 o0 |) t4 f+ t9 {. t, bAnd that is the price for love
/ S. R5 D! u0 M1 @$ ~; j
5 C6 Y2 n4 H9 |8 tyou are deeply in love
: p3 X1 Q- Y, S% C4 B# t( {  s5 J0 {Everything from me is negative
- s; F$ V' o$ N( B& u3 Y"My man should be like this,
$ S8 S( D7 H8 Z8 d& j4 pand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
  U- o4 G: x4 V1 c5 m' A4 ]  qor that one in your mind?
0 D1 {! B9 {) M/ `" aMy mind is like a mud
8 b5 q7 C: d* fcan be shaped whatever you want

, c8 j% Q: d+ G% F! m$ ounfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
. k' T  ]! R. K/ Y
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

6 h8 ~9 \& `& N* y. e  Z: O
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
+ Q$ n. r5 u; ?2 Z  ?: n/ \3 O" O
% ?4 P8 {1 O) N1 h( \: I$ nwith the charm,
with the simles.
; W( z) O# f4 k6 i. z2 \I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
7 U) Y# W- [# N6 I2 KAs spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
# N6 N% O9 g( R( k8 g; U4 J& Wthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
2 a/ K1 N0 ~+ m" }- f: zAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% `: i% |6 f; V, w
- R( s1 ~) k4 h+ m( ]' gI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
% g# l' I" M1 r) t, Walthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
6 ^8 K2 v0 B0 y2 P9 YHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
: k0 e* B/ m' S7 C& K5 RHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
6 ]* h8 j, v5 h5 nHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
( M' }% D* }" S1 o; IShe was a question to be answered
) m5 [* o# S8 E) p  RAnd his answer is
: K4 r9 \1 b2 a. F; ^7 |9 q: RI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
" I8 {* K/ z8 s$ O( ]. P
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

2 e$ z3 n) X/ K9 w1 _' Z, k+ MIt's amazing how I felt
, k/ |! g6 o3 X. L: ]when I was with you
" M- X  \( }( k7 F% iMy heart beat so fast
+ p+ M' F/ R1 u# V1 F% [. v8 O, _7 gI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

9 g" N- v! v4 ?2 ?9 q  z7 gYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
7 L1 k# R7 q9 ]0 C1 wHow could it be dispersed?

4 Q: f7 O- L. x3 j' X! \Feelings bite my heart
4 n% n& s  R' P, H  RYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
, n1 h* z2 J  }# r5 w2 [9 PI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
# C2 l4 O! h5 H( x阿,我爱你
3 P. l0 S, e8 T- z你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
' J9 k5 x7 F. j我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; g% n' z- `; {7 {' L
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
  @' Z9 C2 I3 S, a# N阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
7 Y+ ~- u' ]1 `- F; x  S3 h# m你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
! e0 ^: o0 u2 D; v0 H# EXXXXX
- I7 G. ?* X2 K( l( V* X( s& N不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

8 E5 O3 `: p7 K$ f5 @) p靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。