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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love( Q0 n9 H& a' e
* i% |# m5 d9 e6 E/ O! h; M$ p
I fell in love with you
; B$ z5 B& B; w, p; O$ NAt the first week we met5 k. G  G; h8 A

) k2 r8 a4 H9 K/ bYou have charm, you have looks6 x3 H- M* n1 N4 L$ H
with full of pimples in face. f7 ^+ o' @3 O. `" g
As spotting sky at a summer night
* R, p7 W" _& ?7 v5 l+ @7 u* pThey are shining stars
8 N/ e9 u  }/ |7 K- ~+ l' K' ?) L0 e2 Q+ l7 W# x/ J6 N" \* ]
Your lip is so big
5 Y* Y( _2 J$ E8 z+ Q: \And that’s good for a kiss
; D4 ?6 |" C: t5 fYour body is chubby& s  x0 H# C0 h# s& C- V% E
And that is good for sex. ~% G% i. o1 q. s( A9 `1 C

9 x& X6 D/ X% p9 y; u" J& v. ]I was deeply in love% n" e, I9 q( t) i! R- ]
Everything from you is positive
8 J/ H8 w5 N0 E$ O$ m( \" iYou blame me everything and everyday
" z  \# |* b# o, ^6 v9 HAnd I think all girls sound like( Z) b9 ?  I3 X6 p) ^* H. K# N

: R  e8 X3 d& M; A! NYou could not stand my eating: A2 ^( |9 `# V, R% C4 v- W8 e2 A, Y
Saying no good for making funny sound: D% u4 ?; [! g: m; X
I think you are perfectly right
& z% d$ I/ g3 h9 b2 IEating with sound is a pig
' y# i  A3 E% [% J2 v2 p1 U
7 @7 y$ [; n9 u  X. ~$ \I fell in love with you
+ d! M4 V, W, P) L- l' k6 nBecome a fool to think
3 P- ~" A+ z: ^0 ^" x! qAll trouble things you did0 y9 G7 Y2 B0 M  i9 n
And that is the price for love4 F# Y& {/ b/ p, C; L

2 \1 m+ c/ T6 O' }2 g' e) eyou are deeply in love+ Z+ k. t* s1 {: v; k
Everything from me is negative
3 w& }% M. U) l$ @& B  L$ r  h"My man should be like this,; Q& `1 N1 e. E) ~' [# T
and I am helping you to improve'
* Q- u3 d% a  }7 \, s* y% p1 D3 }2 @; W0 k
You are loving me - c+ g; L/ T- a9 f, {
or that one in your mind?
+ f4 P8 x. s) x! f; zMy mind is like a mud+ r( a; Q# e/ v* v1 U7 Q
can be shaped whatever you want. j% {3 W0 q3 {5 I4 O1 D

( J' G/ n* a1 @* Qunfortunalety not my heart! T4 t4 [( U2 e$ k! n
It is slashed by you
3 A2 v& y# @8 N0 h6 i1 {( g( R* sand I am seriously hurt
# z+ x! e1 V( r! r
. w+ [7 \. r$ X0 XI will never love another ) u4 R5 r, g& t  \
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
, N0 ^7 g* X- ]- ^my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

4 e/ l! U1 }% \  L- e2 i) n$ ^6 ?' k" M; w' Y. K" D  m: P# @
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!) h( V3 \1 f: w& E% A7 g5 `: t; }# G
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ! `) _* s( U/ v+ d: D
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.# \0 b- r" I7 T# M. q! T& O; @
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed9 e/ h5 X9 ^  ]; e, `

% p7 c: A7 q% rwith the charm,
% t/ I  U$ |- F4 |, ?with the simles.
" u- u- }: k$ ]" S% [% j+ TI fell in love with you 0 ~4 ]7 q  E3 k- K( M' L
In the first sign.; f/ C0 F) p6 x0 w) G) a& P, \
As spotting sky at a summer
$ `" q( t3 F/ C% f7 I6 ]3 s
" t8 A1 ^& s+ q: y% fYour lip is so soft
; d7 n' f* u, [+ N* {6 I& Mthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss7 {: @- d, t0 L8 x6 I3 d
Your body is so sexy& r" D6 G: Y/ o
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.. t* ~3 B' c  ~7 H% C8 h% E- l: n

# t! I7 y6 a: v4 [& XI am deeply in love" ?" \; a0 j2 u8 Z( t
Everything from you is so charming
( a1 B6 t: F( `' M( Z0 Ialthough You r so picky for me
+ ]  m% I. g  E, N' ~( D1 }+ ~* X6 ZAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.2 V" J' `& x/ Q, q/ P  }0 m' m; t
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem. x5 x- v; D+ U; y# I6 _
: H. K  F6 y0 g% w5 R- D

; C- s. X$ M. S& \) DHis hello is the end of her endings
, X# s/ ~; i- gHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' u. {) p$ n1 z0 IHis hand would be hers to hold forever
% o0 k. O4 Z& d0 j* N- c* UHis forever is simply as her smile   ^& @8 R3 W  i% r5 H6 Q! v
He said she was what was missing0 s1 [  ?9 B& T' w3 ~
She said instantly she knew7 U. o8 M5 \4 b5 K7 b
She was a question to be answered; q: ?' a) s4 D$ {
And his answer is 5 f7 x# o# U2 N6 h
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
, Q  V9 n" q% S5 v: }( t. c5 ~+ K
! ~, Q) _% P6 HBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt 7 z  a$ V# P6 E, X' t" q
when I was with you
1 N- V4 T! ?$ ]9 A: h" q5 Y9 a- qMy heart beat so fast6 e0 m7 j  h9 n/ E5 J: K2 Q
I looked at you and thought
! p# C* O& N' J8 [) ?5 N2 WHoly Jesus, you were so cute
; V! D- p1 C0 v
( [6 w- t- a) p9 L5 k$ i9 W# T. U9 ?You left me without a word
; E: L8 f; b+ B9 M# @5 |I have nothing except my emptiness
1 h5 D5 o+ a& [0 c! G$ \My mood is like a cloud
! }7 C( m( S& R8 ]& W7 `0 E: G, WHow could it be dispersed?; K0 U+ b; P0 p2 B* c2 J
, J7 Q0 ?/ @# t6 X, T4 K
Feelings bite my heart : `$ J$ I$ G" k, W8 _4 d
You are the right one I wait
" W9 K/ w& M% PIn the depth of my soul
! H! |! k; D0 x8 ~I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 m! d2 d& r9 n/ w. X$ ?( T8 w
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 `) Q/ A2 Y- i
就和用中文写一次6 D3 K2 s! a: Y/ G: x0 H: @2 X8 P
阿,我爱你
+ V1 [* K7 i, E你让我心跳好快
# [4 ~, m. M, ~! `% z7 i( K6 F% v6 y你让我脸发热3 ]! F. Y$ u5 b) [/ j
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ T2 B6 ~+ h9 U* {. u8 mXXXXX
  _, B! l7 [. d6 Y! m不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 Y2 b% h5 w" u2 ?5 h8 x1 q- X) k. E- q  X& V3 L
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
5 T, ~) i3 G8 F& L" ~& f- {至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 / ], N7 ]; a( r; v: t- p3 }. _' T' O
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! }) I3 q+ I6 Q2 W% x' r# \你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道+ k' B* F8 W+ a: ?7 {2 \$ A- t
就和用中文写一次  c0 t1 r  E( r. `
阿,我爱你
+ @- f! j' S' `! n# }你让我心跳好快
- _4 j* y0 i' ?& T2 h1 M' i你让我脸发热- t  V& ~1 X, A% d$ \
我爱上你的大嘴唇
( x/ Y$ M; C) x8 FXXXXX/ X4 I0 S% U8 Y' m5 W0 S  X; d
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

3 e# z. ^1 H( A$ K4 ~. d/ G7 U
1 S( {& t/ Y3 L2 K$ Z靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.+ N. \6 t3 F* P3 z( C' \2 U* W- e% H
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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