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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
: X: u% T! k) c2 e8 ?8 k hCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 6 ^6 F5 C u1 z4 O3 T+ s
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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- N, Y p1 D: `0 _( e7 @ |P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. 9 j+ M5 Z7 M6 C# R( o, d& R
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. - f3 R: z! @/ x6 n5 S3 t8 S' \7 N
( P' u% x) x [, r+ n9 y" bSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.! g6 R) c) G- l
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. + I, v: z" ]( o( l7 E
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. & u6 `( G0 g7 b
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. $ A$ _( j7 g, Y8 w( E* X& G" E
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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3 k2 H( K+ }# F, j1 b, j( hWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. , d) v( t; L. y( Y' n
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use., y' ?! Q. |* B) H& a/ ]
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4 U/ |* E9 u! W5 oIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.1 Z: [$ x+ Y7 c
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
" M5 V/ b' w5 E; v( VWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
, Y. R0 _9 ?! p* h/ m1 YBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
. A! l0 {! n9 A( t3 o; X. A3 _Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.$ @8 K/ b8 i* [; Q+ s
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8 T( W6 B( o: a5 ^# l KWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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; n, Z! l, |5 A9 R& n+ T, x A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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# p, v" S5 l, H8 m( U8 Z) uPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... $ v- f4 S% f3 y) Z6 e& S+ M4 P
; {: T8 b; i: T+ R ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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