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Dress Code:
' j$ o0 p i% m) Y) F1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
7 j' w6 O7 |' F% c" w$ X2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 8 N% `( A+ Q5 n) {5 r# ?/ G
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 6 Z X$ ^' A4 V8 W
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 9 [) R" B* L( z8 a1 { y6 Y
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Sick Days:
5 o; Y, Q8 A6 @) p7 ZWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. & N7 g% l+ A$ T. T
+ P3 {+ E: h% e! kPersonal Days:
+ b: j1 R. z' J ^5 ]1 V2 \! XEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. & o0 d2 f( x. r4 Q1 T* ?
5 V: [, H9 `( a6 kBereavement Leave:
( _* k! k7 _& G+ m6 b) f1 t/ A& d1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. 6 M; }& I1 R$ a4 o* K/ G+ d
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. $ e N: ?: I4 m) E7 g9 B
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. / H9 E3 g ~8 t
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 1 t5 H: x j: O Y9 C- x! _
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Bathroom Breaks:
7 F0 x$ h/ P* }4 w1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. " h% n% q5 w- c9 s# u
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
& @0 s6 }" A% c( S, I4 Z3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. 4 E2 j* {0 w$ }; s. Z& Z! o
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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Lunch Break:
' Z, @+ O: f& W, |- W2 ^1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. 6 x; h+ L+ D7 @& J" R: _% y
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. ; x- _7 ?, M# }: w
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
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- m6 K* d0 O; q6 `Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. c$ J f1 O- W9 B- j# Q; f
# F9 R- N' y9 N3 j2 i9 k. e" ]The Management ) L) ]/ U V- A/ L( Q/ w7 _2 {$ y
0 y. H @( S; V& l: X+ bPass this on to all who are employed. |
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