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Dress Code: 9 U r6 X0 f# u+ t% w) v1 i( f. ~/ j
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 6 v+ y/ H! [. I# H, h
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. & h9 `# q# q1 n$ T
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. " [+ F i0 T1 D7 S4 R b
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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Sick Days:
' }) U' h: \) n# s! _We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
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# A0 F1 C5 R; d7 RPersonal Days: / _9 m8 }$ s: Y: c
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. # l b2 \. {2 z# u! ^, y) c: m1 X s5 ^
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Bereavement Leave:
! m" `; t, h3 N8 s, m1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. $ T+ A# ^$ @$ ^8 b
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. , z- l- c7 R9 Y$ j0 O! ^5 x
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon.
) q) K6 w r6 h# {# p, g4 V4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
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Bathroom Breaks:
u' O- ]5 X5 O0 W- D1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. % n; u! e/ C3 b" x0 t- x
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. , P) r, A1 m7 X7 f! @8 M
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
0 r( H. m0 k- ` m7 c& A- M4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. ' b: \ N: A; ~8 Z5 L4 f
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Lunch Break:
$ F* A! U$ I- r; @1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. : _) V; H" t2 |$ g* D$ Y
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 1 V" r( |, _/ U/ r) x" `1 X
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. . W3 O2 A0 S6 A5 ]! v0 o# T* \' V
& \, I* m9 t1 n. f7 qThank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 4 w" b0 ^: i" G4 h9 D# U
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The Management - m' W+ q! R3 h
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Pass this on to all who are employed. |
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