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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,, N3 a% m% }9 _  \# H' k: ]: z7 t$ D( y
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
$ L! w& q& S, X0 ?零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . * U( B7 i/ V; Q( r  e
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name., h4 C# W5 m4 b; \+ W' G5 v3 D
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.1 N' o* H5 w) T4 `+ v' j( L; }2 m
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something." Y( k4 c% c) F4 |9 @5 a
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
1 e$ F: X; N  ~$ V# I& u' a% V% k猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
6 ?$ ?5 E* |! H0 a9 n就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
" C+ ~: S+ u  J1 \- g2 b我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及, x6 m! ]4 `' |3 h% h
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。1 _6 {8 f  c. W* [+ v& j- H
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.$ W. g! ?$ b7 n# b* f1 h5 k9 x
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
0 \% D  b( X9 k想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.# a6 Y: o) v! M/ R7 _6 L, h% u  B
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
* b! y, H/ m" W& }寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
( Z  w1 j5 t- B4 c+ l醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
1 B4 f! o4 \$ X2 N- I4 A$ [迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
1 G3 h2 o; w9 Y; \5 @最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have., ~" J9 g, t! b9 u3 L8 g8 @
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?6 t, N: c3 h; {1 L& f8 q
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
7 d1 |9 o, D. k0 ^: M& E多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
+ i1 |# w; W0 I. v) @0 @不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.! ]; C8 T0 L5 Q  b* P) d
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
3 O; T2 ]$ S: N( {为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
  K  i" {3 o- G+ F2 W+ V多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
4 a# c, @0 J% |" {) l永难平息的泪8 T1 l; {, h6 u
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes3 v" i: B+ X4 E' h. V& H+ W
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
+ k$ Z& O7 R6 v! A4 u+ D9 S" J$ z当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& {) ?% I+ X" e  ]让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
0 B+ P/ k( _, ^/ m你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul ( n  W9 Z/ d6 H. I$ P- t* K
一抹微笑;& F+ s4 c: C4 ?0 ~
一个手势;! `% |# o3 g$ \8 e* |
一片话语,0 c7 f8 c9 e. H8 G) N
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
5 S8 n) ]) b" g" D* G1 S/ x+ h明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner: P3 N/ _2 s* g0 G8 b* s, d0 z
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.1 ~+ c3 ?. q1 s- l0 i; V3 B9 T; P
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
! Z! X, L: Z( u% r也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..7 P9 Z# t; n9 y2 W0 k
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
0 w- }6 a& N# S6 l+ T/ J我并不以为然。# b" F: A+ s6 V+ y& P" N
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed " h; n" U8 B3 {/ \6 A/ X
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
6 a+ Z' `7 X0 H+ j( V8 d, ]被一种情绪所左右,! L, T5 D- m$ b! N
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .* w/ A8 E, C# _# m+ b
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you6 m! d9 k8 I. v+ N8 H7 ]
也不问我是否喜欢你,
9 l4 p; I( g2 B! r6 S, [对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
! p8 \% o, p6 F0 ^只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
1 r' A- r, K$ [7 {' g/ G% D) ?3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you1 ~- G' _9 b, F( f: }
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
' b3 F' M; i( s. ^; ~2 H% `2 z然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere * h/ q8 d5 {6 J
你的身影已化成一种氛围,9 Y  C* E+ b+ \
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
4 A1 x3 U& A/ N/ F你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! : f. I" G' F4 {9 U4 A
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字; d  f2 I' x- P' s5 H
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,' w& q+ Z, O3 J, v% _; Y" u' n9 d
一种声音,and your voice! u: @& w$ B7 x# C
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
3 g/ i& {+ `4 G9 X掺杂著幸福的感觉。5 n, }1 ~+ i  E" B+ G- j
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land6 G5 ]1 z9 Z6 i4 R, n# c
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
! X- k5 Z$ K5 \+ E$ ?3 S, c' ~5 C2 n' A7 }倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
( _4 o- f- Y9 u纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
0 L" |% B0 |* m0 \你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
2 Z, k- y/ r0 ?5 R" n; O" p有一个能够让思念的人,9 j1 O6 m+ N0 e+ U) x
其实也是一种幸福。
3 }2 t: Z) c$ b尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
9 p% [5 g3 ~+ E, k' W# z) W3 `, w柔柔的海风,! N, K- L  W( d- b/ k
甜甜的夏天。
& n- J* T, A$ _4 r: c一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ) r/ j- a3 u5 x% P6 Y" W
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.& l3 `$ M; t7 a( ]0 Y* P; P- r5 j
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
0 p& h0 R; K- f( u想和你有共同的情结,1 E% y6 l' S5 a% _: y
共同的心愿。
0 U) u% v7 L: V( u! v7 Z; p' S
% h4 F5 u. x& A3 }
5 v4 w2 Y* Q4 w5 A好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
- i- r+ u+ u' r* I一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together/ `% Y: ]7 d( `2 e/ C
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
7 W1 f! o5 D4 Z& `或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.( [: Y- k9 R5 j
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
4 J# y, U5 `! a/ x0 u; x我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ! T+ g: M# K# [
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”4 @5 A: u6 s: _- d
或是轻轻的一吻,
9 V( h! [$ O) t. {1 W5 g0 _- D再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』# _* e- I! q; P; [; _! Z
就足够了. That is enough.. U% N4 B2 w2 o1 }$ O# z3 v
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
4 o  Z# T) `+ K) b4 @8 E% s! E终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.! C# d5 e* ~7 a( m# `& C
萌出了芽,' L. y( S+ R; Y% D* }
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing3 K6 U$ b" I1 ]6 Z7 P
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.* ^, E/ i6 Y1 [: s+ f" [
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
7 g* g/ o- k+ P  l2 }3 e2 ]8 |能够牵著你的手,
, |2 N1 m9 W8 s5 C3 H* C6 @( [那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.2 u6 N3 s! C  k- C
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. # z4 ^* ~! x. M' d/ b; s
慢慢地细读,
  v' M) H* }% k/ D7 x我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. % x' u# d5 Z. D  ^" c
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
- M2 C# k$ u. ^1 F1 n我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
$ h! Q, t+ Z# k5 C9 }& V  V2 K' a就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:/ f( z0 J1 T* p/ M
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago& h$ J0 j$ Q( G; ~% R( ~: d- X
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
$ y, O* N1 N: i4 K* Kchange to:lacked
# Q& x* q3 q, e6 I- P+ L" v猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.; \, p( l3 ^4 H' ?% Y
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
0 L) L$ M9 s8 l% n6 N* n9 B* m 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
/ j) \) Y5 o, b改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
# M" r. ~; @3 ^* J, lI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ; t4 `& W" \" o4 l6 h8 @) y
该为:throughyour hands.
' L( G3 I1 |& b% R8 t/ r还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
) X7 d5 J5 {4 Q7 y1 \不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
( j) ~9 a, c% W5 S# D  [至少比我强。
" h$ t  l! a3 q. C& a偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
* G& w$ K8 `3 g% |4 }$ T) w/ B- f8 ~$ u/ o2 W
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。' l5 i" o$ W7 _- x8 D
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.) A7 B4 X  k1 ~# y0 ^+ Q2 x& V
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
% Q& g7 H6 I) a前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
6 |( O+ \) @+ z, Q4 m2 c+ dEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
2 A/ ^* T. z, X- a! ]$ N, vPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.: x; ]( W. [' }! ]/ ?" M; f# e+ f
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.7 D" J% k4 Z7 j* V) L! Q- u
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
4 t  t" r1 y; FSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
" Q% k& `7 K  B  g5 Y/ ^2 o7 xSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:9 A# I. }% f4 H4 a( z
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 8 Q) z2 @" [1 G- K3 {3 _5 @9 V4 m
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
! S9 _: C% U2 f% QI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
0 H6 q& j/ N8 Z: K  [3 QThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.2 R) Y7 T& h7 ?% m' \; ^. L4 u% g
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.; p5 `, X$ ~' a* ^5 t
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
0 Y; e* r, x. s, b  [$ A3 jI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
) S! |5 e& _9 J$ `; h5 y9 YIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
% F% a% ^1 C: V: l9 E" ?Intoxicated then feel cold,' i0 _9 @; e" T+ E
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.# K- z. f$ D4 n8 [( |
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 N/ c9 \" K$ F6 G
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
5 H; J& J  x# ^, \+ g$ J  b, cWhy I am always hoodwinked!. q3 A. C1 K& C
I have told myself many times cautiously
# E3 g' x- ~3 B  u% Pdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
1 ]3 s. m) }  K- W; l% d! UThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
) R' S: O7 W5 j  |4 `Why can`t I take it easy?' f' X8 `' J  ^7 s
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!( U% Y4 Q& Y# m- r0 B
When the quiet night comes
: r% r" b$ p: i, zyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes., t6 Q$ X9 ?8 f) @6 E6 ?8 g9 ~
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.& c( y' a9 x8 R! g: W- j
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
3 l% P; q6 x2 L1 S  Jlight the dark corner in my mind.
6 Y/ t" ?; |, Z" I+ U; DI feel a bit of cozy.
2 I$ U4 P/ R1 I* Q/ P  _The deep attached to you in a twinkling
- R* d$ B% x; D# v" B  Ymaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.* e, J7 v$ U% g' B7 T* U
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,- W0 t) V3 V. E- l, N$ s$ q+ w/ P
but accompanying with the time passed! n3 L( ^; G: C  X: ]
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,  O/ ]6 h- @7 z  e( c  n# H8 C
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
  i6 t( M2 C$ n3 a2 rWithout asking if you like me or if I like you% Q. j; t0 U% K9 e- O6 O" s4 X
only feel gracious for your existing,; v4 {) ~/ k) V" n9 @: T) o
onlt want to do something for you.) P4 W' X# B5 Q. D: ?
Every time when you meet me, r+ n, `- J. ~4 s9 e
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,5 C  O' J/ J& L
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
  x6 ]9 }" a0 t  P1 T; g+ XThat live in my heart.! [: K& U, O3 w) h) P9 o/ N  E0 ^
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?# |0 g0 V, E% _3 }1 L3 X
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
5 g* r* ]8 y' d. p. t2 ]make me gently distraught with happy feeling.2 j# d3 W/ M. i% K, }, |
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
' `: V0 p- n) W, f" Psuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
6 g! A! J" h1 l0 u! ^Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,% t2 F; X) j0 }+ ~% U
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
8 x8 C/ o& ~' |- QSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
/ ?8 x6 [  v+ x# m6 t7 ?9 [only waiting for you quietly! V7 Q' V' L* C  q8 [+ z; b
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
; o5 U: w; j; z" B  i# w$ MI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
5 w0 y1 A( r( p4 ^and enjoy the rain washing together
% m; C2 E+ z* z: H, w3 t, [or rush to a film% M7 a+ Z  e$ n7 }/ \) B6 j
or listen to a music quietly.5 Z' [/ P3 J) }9 z( ?- O. Q
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
4 r! X% O, w# l( X. ?If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
( I% S" V& a$ e- |' h. vsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".1 k3 e6 z8 ^# Q- T; S2 K  ^
That is enough.8 G" t" F# O5 l
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
$ x8 k( D: y3 Q3 s5 C& \finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,( Y9 ]4 |2 L5 \3 M2 X4 S
the same as my missing.! i/ n, D3 {% j6 d( Y
It comes a little bit of verdure.
# j* ]" u, g' J: W+ [8 [If, If some day I can touch your hand,
. z+ t3 M6 |9 L9 L. C, ?3 ?* Bthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ E- G" b- I0 q* NLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.% l9 J% v2 W5 k3 B5 C
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
" ]. n0 W0 ]8 g; `& QAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
$ S, f% o, W" H- q! l- `& D2 fthen I will have all care and ardor./ T9 I! @" ~$ m, D+ k
Shall we walk arm in arm?* `# @# t* c* W' c9 b
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.  C& n  w! P- @/ G5 ^* M) a
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
+ t2 r; _- G5 TI am still the same person of yesterday.3 u8 z; |2 N; d7 P* R0 g$ ?
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
/ y/ G+ Y; {7 p/ [* `, iSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 5 {! A, p- }* z$ p/ Y9 G& o
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk." H; l5 b% `% h4 k) z
More or less,) i- Q5 P2 l1 k/ C  X
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
4 S  [' `4 d, q5 W
# w% |2 H% \* c8 _+ DSummer easily slips away, d. S9 I- Z" ~) b, c/ m
Those long lost hot nights* s0 P( }4 X4 ]( d( Q
can only be found in the old days.   F5 ?8 f  X: h7 n' U3 j2 V
1 i, d  ?2 d5 Z2 w7 l5 }
Cats jumping over the window sills,
' Q5 i3 s. |9 C/ k0 t& A: Z! mchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
7 o  i, b3 N  x; ~4 nGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
1 L% b( i0 X( [- _5 aLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ p$ e/ q/ A4 v4 {9 G& V
I am still the same person of yesterday.
. Y4 J  J4 \- vUnchanged name, unchange ...

$ G3 u& S$ h, R) \) A
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
  D" Y2 K* j/ O7 oGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light." K& k& a9 r) T- G' X, K
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.2 f' v( T% |) u* E
I am still the same person of yesterday.
5 H* ^2 X# w7 t4 f: ^Unchanged name, unchange ...

) b5 u7 }7 C" L  w9 Ii like it.
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