WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

3 r4 R& J# _' r) G& Z0 a! DFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
, v. k7 Y5 J- U6 l* F, Z4 x  U+ A3 [am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
2 h: X$ [! Q0 j& l: _4 m4 ayears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' s2 _) {, P- O! u) n7 gtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
( a6 Q0 Q0 L: t2 \( |named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

- z5 c' q: N! \! g) G) s/ i, Y- ~My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

( _% _& D/ N1 p; SMONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
4 c& r! ^* t4 @( u) e% Rme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
- D( Z8 f% N& L2 B0 u7 S# k+ geyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
, D/ Y( S) G. S4 l5 kthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
1 D. A- k* X: R( @& P) T; X( ewhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
: x3 x$ A6 r: N4 Z
, A% x( G, q2 Y* X) ?  r7 EVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
( P5 f) n* z+ M! owas around.
: @6 ]& Z1 Z: F# p5 {$ [6 u
& j, Z1 p1 O) Q1 _8 O0 w8 VThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
$ N7 E9 Y* ~% n, b) S3 O
# Q% D# B7 g3 f1 o0 x$ _3 uTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
- k8 G& W- Z" k' Z5 E+ q. O' uBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
) Q5 s/ [# H; _and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
( a+ N* A1 L; ^& Z# L
9 m( v! V1 u) @  R* ^* c5 DI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
8 O, V% N$ W2 r) O( W, r& a
/ y9 t* @" C2 S/ i" L3 n# M& }/ sWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
7 w, u8 ~) h. z; Fthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
9 ]* W' V# ]/ N  C; B: w; X1 ]a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
" w% X1 a0 L* [9 Q1 M) \% G$ P; Vsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
: ?) b6 J. o5 {3 D; \" ~3 h) u# Nthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
: F; p8 s: a. s) y( [) BBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
$ {1 i+ J( j3 y' f$ q4 imachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
' Q! H! q! r* m: T
; n* P: z: ?/ z1 vTHURSDAY:
# I6 B9 k) {: C% \Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
0 Q* N! ^4 y: U8 Z, s7 X- s* Oher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
; t) E* c+ A2 H# p7 T( ibeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
6 |2 i# ]% x: B7 X3 B: wtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
$ O" c6 G, A0 O2 o+ D
) X0 o$ T! N. z. z( H8 dFRIDAY:
! p2 a7 \8 _* r9 bI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
9 E5 }# w1 x- j8 A+ y# Q' }, b; D) ^anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
) D, `  Y# ^/ u% M* {- lwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

% S/ v+ J0 p+ G) _/ V9 G: uAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
/ A$ h9 B3 @1 S6 \/ Steacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
5 y3 L- q( W3 E$ i
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
1 Q! z$ H& ]/ s4 N/ Smade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
, S: |. a- j( ]& U; _7 \7 ?! Nstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
/ i4 K; n2 k6 E  ^; |0 d7 z6 thours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
$ X* X& V, `, OI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
& J% t4 d, T, L" I9 m$ ^6 Oand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 v: c: s7 p: rmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
/ Y" r2 x4 C( h) R7 p5 S8 za root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.