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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something- P" I$ f' y' a, ~+ h
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
! \7 B. m. |8 Y8 n% s/ z. |) yinto a regular workout routine.
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. \5 ?5 g/ b+ m8 a; N7 g4 ]Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
2 O% Z2 `; a) e( Eweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
* g7 S: `: a5 N2 b" dam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
7 X' L. B0 N! ayears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a, v' M) `& x1 [+ F6 n
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
, V* K3 i& ^+ T% V/ t: unamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
$ [3 q [% {9 s% Z* N9 pinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.2 }% Z+ D, s) x
* S9 Q9 N; \( PMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
1 T u0 r( I A6 [# jencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress., q4 E U8 Q P+ x. e( Z; Y
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MONDAY:$ z8 R% f. _$ q; {+ E; I! X" P! l! J
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well$ g" N+ x7 D5 z6 p$ A' @$ ]
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
, y) P2 K" t2 ^* s) i% lme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
- L" d7 y/ h& yeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!2 f0 r* K T+ E% H+ z" ] m
, t k6 Y' X7 K- bShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed( t+ Q/ q5 D7 \
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her# |& b1 ]2 k- m; }( m, d
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in; V- V9 T/ ~( g7 }
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,5 n5 C9 x* _7 R. ]" [7 R. w
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she( G* F! z( z5 l2 \: S- E
was around.2 h; z3 C+ }: W8 x% U
% I# b3 r2 t: H' dThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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) s) a4 g" Q, E1 e4 q2 fTUESDAY:0 E: C5 K, u1 I# ?2 f- [4 M
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
9 F" G/ q. ]/ ~& p( C; C2 GBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 o9 I; ]$ w$ `6 b eand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the1 Q: R8 C5 H: g0 L8 A
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it0 G$ @; h' d# E% ?0 y0 e2 b. J0 R
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.. D4 S* k8 [. G* w3 C2 {
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WEDNESDAY:0 K% I$ U8 Z' q* d. q
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on; _4 S# X6 R p6 G L
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
2 s2 p1 Y& V& a J& p1 oa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to) l# M+ V; ~" S$ T& M. o
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
% Q$ @/ U2 U9 D4 m( Zbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
4 Q) ~. P+ }! e$ Jearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
# S5 P4 Y* N |1 }% a. ethat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so7 z' ]) ^# m/ \3 N& y
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
- \2 k) A. X5 m5 Q7 Gmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
5 c7 v9 p s- d' g2 ytold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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( f; K$ F. I' c% y" B; ]5 UShe said some other shit too.# c. s" J& z3 I
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THURSDAY:
, }. `. w) `( ?( L) p3 ~8 LBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as7 Y6 Y* W8 @3 l7 [
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help9 ?0 B! g/ I4 ]6 V5 e
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda1 E$ f0 l! }. M# ^
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and2 [+ t9 Y6 r& |* R5 [; Y0 Q. |4 Q: Y
hid in the men's room.* ?! z+ r4 V# o" w# ?" ~. [; X; V
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing) @' K, ^. T0 c' X! k( O: Y
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
4 u- w* a- D( v2 Q6 qI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
9 T k( p1 Q eany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
' \3 \7 ]* a& ]+ G0 |. ~anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I6 s* a/ T/ o L/ P& ]. p
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
4 U7 Y5 S# q( J) y& dwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!1 A9 z6 r$ @7 F' L8 f( g( N+ C
5 _1 D9 G1 s, R. T& a4 B0 jAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me! ?9 z2 i& {4 m: ^. Z/ c
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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. l: d/ i, n( R4 s& O% _, X" GThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
1 i$ t7 h/ b3 Z$ a. [- U8 Bteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach+ Y/ H' Z! k! ^' ?' v
or the choir director?
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1 j5 ]+ m8 G% Z8 U) F7 [SATURDAY:6 q! Z9 Y" M* w' {) ^' X# {3 e
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
( g- G2 s" P4 z$ S8 {9 rshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her$ m, f% l. b' N9 f1 A, t
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
7 c: X& H0 z% a1 L, vstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight+ k' l8 r: n$ {; N# }
hours of the Weather Channel./ g# r% n/ O8 q/ _# p2 v
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SUNDAY:
0 S9 D# s2 a; @I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
7 v+ b! l) d ^$ dand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
' t8 S& a/ H/ n1 \ @( Smy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like- X1 a* | I& ~+ p: U% u
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
