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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
$ N* H% e+ `0 K# x+ D. n* Cwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
; I* W8 k4 ?6 B; O) uinto a regular workout routine. o/ M" S, _$ P* J4 B
! F2 N* W( {0 k4 [$ f& K2 iDear Diary:
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# C" k6 _5 f" X/ p) TFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
# A0 J; ]+ n# i X/ q5 Hweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I8 R+ v& \& `- V& x; D( J1 T; R
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
) m( h8 o% y8 _) s6 V0 o7 j. Myears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
9 c7 m- {7 y- e) l; M0 n. ytry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer: X4 \& T7 f- H; F M8 ]5 O! J
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
4 b2 z1 |7 ~8 J6 w# U2 Z7 Rinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.5 z A7 \: K$ b; g) U
, b8 d+ k) b- M/ T9 s9 h# X8 tMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club M& D5 v2 M- S3 T" t/ D/ m$ A) U
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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& f& {- K5 p! ~! o" v- c2 o3 [MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well7 @* k1 ^+ _7 N4 {. i I
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
4 w! u# v3 v) s' Fme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
5 S, X2 F( @3 h3 Q( |$ L; reyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
8 z, B9 N) l& S% l
' e( X/ x4 ]/ J6 l5 Q) AShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed. b1 b& D# \5 a; t, d6 t# ~
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her4 e* H5 C+ W3 `6 T6 S4 O
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in9 q% X3 O. z* t
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.4 k9 z& g& s0 x2 U6 `. L
w: j8 k8 ]/ c; p) g* RVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,. M3 ~+ O: o& J5 c; M! V# k# g
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she- D, V% z4 J' f
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!$ V. i: ?! D# b1 g; i/ P) I$ U1 \
9 P: N9 w2 a4 ]- m4 [3 L% S6 `TUESDAY:+ q7 i! X1 C/ C$ Q7 U$ J
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 y: I- d1 N; DBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,$ [, E, }3 K0 L3 h* c' U% e
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the, p, P! ?# R1 C8 _
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it; t- i T" i) Y# _, C" _. H
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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8 `% G" O+ Q l; }) zWEDNESDAY:7 w( h7 s) S& E- C M6 w9 B
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
7 t# o4 [( e0 [. ?1 \+ Vthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have; F" t+ k- u5 m1 F+ v* T i0 k
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
3 N9 }# ]: x! ssteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams; V, {+ P6 T5 v1 k* B
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for2 n' S- D' W) m: Z, ?; B
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
, L6 m$ \ ]* }: ?2 ^1 e# hthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
& c+ h" o8 j, d4 ~# E; ~4 H+ @) E! zBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a/ q3 E9 \6 q' X! L1 [2 s
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda+ Z# O' h, ~2 g5 V: H: I* S8 Q* L" L U
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. v7 V" P$ s- v" P6 F, @ T
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She said some other shit too.
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, ` y9 y$ L- ATHURSDAY:
, @' A8 ~6 y# g# t8 m( dBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as7 C+ k2 e* b. [. l% G! b" L
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
( v( M( j( g0 { I! rbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
: S! c3 l1 @/ [; q6 D2 ~9 K7 otook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
0 x. D0 s2 |" j5 R& Zhid in the men's room.
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% Q. D0 T) S% R. {She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing( _2 p; ]+ O4 }; V( R5 J
machine -- which I sank.- T( W4 T* s- L9 _8 H% z3 g% f3 j
! X k9 K0 v+ n4 [, wFRIDAY:
# ^8 A) Q( e0 t! d, d, @3 E# @I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated* c9 [# d, J5 H/ [) ~# ~
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,1 P% ]) |2 P2 Z# m: Y
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I: @7 Y0 g9 Y3 d5 l. a
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
/ [; F- X1 o; mwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me0 k) ]$ U( p; E/ p) d) d
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition1 U6 A P/ f- h+ `0 M* o
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
; x6 p7 s9 Q& D3 w, t4 W' ?or the choir director?1 d2 ]$ g7 y- K* k/ `
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SATURDAY:: c7 W( R* ?$ g# d- l8 |
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,6 X; S0 r4 l* ?
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
0 E9 _8 Y3 D: I5 n+ e, \made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the9 `' z5 D7 c/ ]: T: e
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight4 l" u. |% g9 a# B, \& }
hours of the Weather Channel.6 z: l; ]6 Z4 j+ M" o' [
, C/ N# p5 S+ E) FSUNDAY:
$ O! h' w! j% d1 e& T w BI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
3 n" R7 s. j/ S. X) s' h2 Gand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
- U$ l4 ?$ O, P' u: U# E0 _0 L( {- Jmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
2 J0 }' [# X- ma root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
