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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
' e6 y: O, z3 ~+ M( @wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get+ ~8 j" ]5 w& C: H% \- U
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a9 e4 q2 W3 }& j: Q: }; n
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I3 G, f7 B, _8 j
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
3 w" P) @, ?* ?( p" l1 Fyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a( k/ [- b, n$ Y
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
u6 C* J, v5 t, T0 L! i/ Gnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics% T4 n6 W4 D d% ]* Y- h
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.% D! T, g, X" p' P G: D. r3 u
" Q3 f8 F/ O, E! S1 w# a# t$ jMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
1 [0 V# E# F0 ~* z0 U7 Eencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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. f8 Z; b o( {9 x& D1 g5 lMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
& S& W" q6 P( g1 X7 I3 Hworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for* |9 b: [0 w v4 b! i/ `# c
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing4 A1 P& B8 m1 P! v3 R
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!: S% z6 J2 c/ |
9 y' m2 ^7 y% z' y: l" s+ V/ KShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
; ]$ b" |: d7 }! Athat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
/ Q9 a7 N3 m$ h: I! q% d! U9 Fin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
: m: J6 ~9 i' P: mwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.5 y" U2 d! R: M
2 K6 I) S Q( `" k2 bVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,' [, H4 W0 u8 B) e- d1 P3 J/ v
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
5 l1 _6 C3 Q1 E5 z! qwas around./ c. ~4 X7 a* g* g
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!% ]' O3 H! R* ]) U3 g2 r+ _
) T7 T: L) D3 ~, l c1 wTUESDAY:
# V+ o& } j. WI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.) A# F: [. Y3 K0 c0 [* V4 p
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,4 ^9 y" s- y! B
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the- U: x+ g7 A/ r& J. {1 t
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it( T2 I' R9 T. C9 v; X' Y6 P
all worthwhile.8 [) r8 s3 K( q4 c
1 r, ]! j& b7 gI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:. J( v9 y6 q; f3 a1 K
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on4 L J3 E4 T9 C* ~! A; T
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have9 F* a0 B( X( |6 L9 v
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to2 I9 m2 c# B( `7 N* E! v
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* V r, c2 j$ e; c+ v( j. n( Ibothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
& i" G' p( |8 xearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine9 X) L$ o) M# e* Q( X: L a5 ~. X
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so0 ]- c" V' `/ f: }- I" ]4 t
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
3 w; e9 _1 g1 f5 Z3 Imachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda) \) s5 V8 w% K2 c
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.5 [& o# P, f' c6 e( @7 V8 K
3 E0 e+ G$ i. d3 |7 \: GShe said some other shit too.
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+ Q7 {1 _5 t a% g tTHURSDAY:2 U; d! w/ n- m. U3 [8 ~
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
8 q8 o" L" B: f! O5 N7 Q$ x6 {5 xher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
* H& E; i2 r+ v- M5 |4 Hbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
4 `( |- P' j# n' e4 t' V8 @, xtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
; g. O- Z+ i3 t) E& b: @hid in the men's room.
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7 h: k& b: z* e7 s5 k. ^She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing3 R) [) w1 S# P4 \3 E% ^' j$ r
machine -- which I sank.
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, U7 i% {0 U) |+ H. KFRIDAY:9 w0 K P6 s" I( v9 X
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated! t" R: ], x: K/ v5 g1 U0 N
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,' Z e2 P" K4 x5 B& f
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
0 N3 {- u5 Y; A( o4 E8 Lcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda# P; Q0 t1 P/ _# |* X t
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!7 X1 q# } y* p
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
0 P8 [9 x' Q: B+ D" Pthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.. @: k/ e5 l: c: g
Q0 i) p) |: o( w- ?% M# wThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition; }; s; b/ q' P' W! E$ G2 v7 V, s
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
3 U; w N1 o1 o7 X8 Lor the choir director?4 Z* D- Y2 _- E3 W+ s
; O# q( s* W, b9 OSATURDAY:9 f! G) b* b1 R5 @; \ K
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,0 g- g+ k& d* i {+ d2 i+ Z
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her: X6 N0 i2 s3 E* l+ o6 c
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
M! Q0 ^$ j& u) b/ _; H9 Gstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight& H9 n3 ^9 o& @5 v
hours of the Weather Channel.! p! z5 v& s7 A V& x
# s) j, R. X" G- M1 |( uSUNDAY:! m+ B7 e7 V9 m
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go( S0 p; S, A6 z+ c( M
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
% Z2 r9 ]3 r+ A+ k4 `# Ymy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like. ]+ V7 Z9 k: H- |# T! U. P
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
