WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
: F  _' C  ]3 @" Q5 [into a regular workout routine.
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+ T3 q, K# e0 h$ @! v) S: A9 IDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
2 x' S" q! N8 D) \week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
  _/ C! A/ s4 R! D$ R- sam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
- w) {! H. k' ^; @8 g+ bnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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3 M1 e& P: [7 @6 m* ~9 c, nMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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3 v9 E) H, C% D: g5 RMONDAY:
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$ P( O3 T+ y$ IStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
. T+ j( @4 L  j6 C  S7 w% Q: J  jworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
) @+ [! `. x+ \' p) ]eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
& D2 i8 R& \4 ?' Qwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
6 J; \; E5 `1 X: I+ m
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
  t. R/ y. _; R( Qalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
7 {9 Z5 ?1 V6 r  Z# ?& E, Rwas around.

' [, a1 j% G' AThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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6 Y0 g) d: U. p# e8 dTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
) |9 d" f, {% X9 d" h$ X; A' oBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& f; \7 t& K) H! C+ `) r9 V0 j3 utreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
( l5 p' ]& a. _) `: C/ }* p* Nall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
3 y0 A) ]6 ~5 {; l1 {- \early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
8 E' G: |$ {- H( z) v1 pmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' a: [# N1 ^3 `! e8 otold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
; l1 P+ u! c0 q# ibeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
6 Y* X: z8 }# R/ v" {any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
; a7 z( r7 h5 S( c2 Eanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
/ ?( M) g4 t. Q; e; W' Rcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* d- @& u  o) N& d, y& J4 ~wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
1 |0 M  i* P; \( K  vthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

! Z& H% B3 R6 I. rThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
5 m' h( ^$ `" S  |* |- [; p6 C4 ror the choir director?
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, l2 I) r8 b% I: s. O  E& USATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
# H8 v/ m: c: x& }2 v- rshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
$ _7 R3 m6 n- Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ }, p9 k' Z7 y9 s. gstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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4 p* A( v4 \+ F$ b" J' |# ySUNDAY:
% k) V+ T! F) k3 qI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
) l' Z  B# d7 Z, N5 I1 ]and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
2 Y% P) @: s: S8 La root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.