Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

4 t- i& J  s, {3 O3 S1 C4 J0 gThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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  ^8 X  _( I5 O, h$ [6 ~1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

* _$ z0 G  ]/ i/ o2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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# a9 k2 m9 S2 j, R1 K3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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# I& F/ d- h# [4 e0 I0 ~6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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! [1 Q- B4 s/ i8 H7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

2 Y) r' x5 {2 T9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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- T: g8 z* l. Q* n10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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2 O8 N2 n; n/ Q* [1 a11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

0 {0 A& m, `5 |7 D) k0 `8 }13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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4 ?$ `, S$ b/ _* ~$ `3 w5 |14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

) m4 y0 Q4 Y) _, `7 q5 H$ D* v. n15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.