Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

  G- C. z; W! F( m: H1 i5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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+ M) G, k* Q3 X1 ^; U6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

. U9 V! K  ^2 d' w) A- f7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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4 x. f$ X( Q) s" A9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

$ H" m5 b! ]0 m  p10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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) Q* j3 z, u* u* G1 b( \11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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, b7 ~+ I$ @, y+ J4 ^12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

& {# c7 F6 e6 b! m( M5 X8 Z& _13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

  d# m* S, ?2 K. P+ Y6 P2 z# t14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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: g, ~2 c8 H$ M# @8 z16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.