Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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! K; P. L& _+ a0 w2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

, a% g  |2 ^9 [5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

1 m5 I4 u" _) {, L; ^1 f8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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  J( ], g- P9 @10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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8 o5 F/ B5 ]$ C; n11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

  v! b3 H4 h9 d2 l. G5 s* }8 _12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

. w( @$ f7 [7 l( p13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

& M; N- ~* w/ L3 X: e/ Z2 I  S15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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1 s& u6 g0 m- m8 v0 c( i# i* i16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.