埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5106|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love, c1 \/ x* {/ E+ @3 z2 x
. g5 d8 m$ V8 F3 B+ u
I fell in love with you 5 I. F4 ]/ ?+ I+ A; ?3 S
At the first week we met
8 B. T4 r- z/ p* P. i% d# \% a, Z5 a; |% V! z
You have charm, you have looks6 m/ g+ ^/ U$ }% Y
with full of pimples in face. d7 M; m9 l: y: e" @
As spotting sky at a summer night- ~- h5 `1 Q4 H$ j& W1 f# j. W% k
They are shining stars) n* I/ K) _4 u7 p' s2 |5 B* J
8 x/ |! @% ~0 x( ~  v* n, w: _6 X3 O, ~* ~
Your lip is so big# B: T1 ~8 b& ^# [% ]' y4 u
And that’s good for a kiss
1 o( W$ @5 o1 ]6 EYour body is chubby3 F/ b. P" f6 @9 B
And that is good for sex
  `$ \3 v  W7 H! t4 W& f
" f! n2 B! S( b0 N! TI was deeply in love
' O7 r4 Z+ y; jEverything from you is positive
: ~! s6 x/ d1 b9 D# y1 K' Y( F3 [You blame me everything and everyday
! ]' B- k  h+ p5 T" iAnd I think all girls sound like
& w& E/ m# S7 p" z- T
1 u" ]. Y6 Q( e# Z! pYou could not stand my eating
, I# A; h8 T4 J: G. F% L: Q6 aSaying no good for making funny sound
8 }3 Q: N' C* X' d6 i! d3 a) bI think you are perfectly right
* U+ U: o! B- l) VEating with sound is a pig* j# b: o% n: l, t+ `. h- A) z: \% b

! g- O% F" U5 V6 A/ EI fell in love with you " S' y' l2 ~9 s2 s$ Y
Become a fool to think
7 M: R! C+ ^( [* c$ |' oAll trouble things you did5 c' y8 G! Q0 S! }8 f& r3 j3 D
And that is the price for love
9 }/ i( d1 `! n9 {) F4 o
. j0 b' i7 ^+ I+ t' X  Eyou are deeply in love
: E6 g/ u9 `7 i9 |2 fEverything from me is negative
) @$ N+ I, D3 ~$ C: n( `"My man should be like this,9 \% H8 J% ]  R) b; O+ b4 w
and I am helping you to improve'
5 _/ m* m8 l+ Q0 ]2 e' t+ l3 t
, V7 Q4 s$ u. ~3 s; S* H/ wYou are loving me
+ J3 H5 d4 m- M9 h+ C# Cor that one in your mind?
, `6 V0 M; i( ^( M+ d; j2 D: IMy mind is like a mud, r- r  o" ?$ x6 x: V% ]% v
can be shaped whatever you want6 ^9 {5 I- A/ B2 Z% v9 g9 G+ W. t% y

3 E: t  E4 l  x) A6 x' runfortunalety not my heart
5 Y2 y) ?* D# D1 E. |It is slashed by you " N& I  C1 v/ f- g, n) R
and I am seriously hurt1 l( Y) m7 `4 o3 |$ ?
" l7 M! ~8 _) a$ W4 m: u) M, E
I will never love another
7 \: |3 x0 g3 e9 f$ ^& M% KIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
" O+ P. M4 X6 p1 X9 [my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

0 W+ J1 ~+ m9 w" u- J- Y, h3 U" d
. D. Q1 c& V0 t; Q咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!7 z! M. t8 Y/ t" l6 b6 J
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, * E5 W# a# k. K5 i  s0 |- O8 [# J2 p% U
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.' C3 j& X. D0 p# U2 i
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed: r7 w# a- A- e: J6 V

" q: }3 R( @2 A. M2 _3 hwith the charm,
& a2 j$ g" g$ Y. Q" e: Xwith the simles.
9 V6 m8 x9 R' y6 PI fell in love with you & E. }5 F7 c4 H9 H$ ]
In the first sign.$ ^7 Z  t7 W" s9 p# ?' @7 x
As spotting sky at a summer
2 z7 N% L3 K1 x6 {; q" b/ M. F2 G) o7 e
Your lip is so soft ( Z7 p6 f+ t5 {, G8 R+ q
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss& c2 _! t, ~. S) q8 ^; A" b9 I
Your body is so sexy
. j, u" z, c- z4 @$ H) ~And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.- c! I( w7 F# \0 E

( ^/ X2 r, J* u9 T7 O; NI am deeply in love
( u) k2 _' k! s+ W  @3 `- L1 g) \Everything from you is so charming  M" s) U8 y9 N1 O8 b  F  [
although You r so picky for me ( @+ E* U6 \4 x2 w% f1 r2 P
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.9 f/ `8 p  {# y5 w4 B# E
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem: k4 R( ^5 I2 G) E# I" m- v  e
- }5 }6 r  |$ N5 r& o7 \
0 D& k% ]5 I" H5 V
His hello is the end of her endings6 N4 x  `  ^) i* }0 g5 |
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
8 n7 J" |+ P8 |( h2 }6 C- OHis hand would be hers to hold forever. E. Z9 A' ?. V
His forever is simply as her smile & [; B0 j# j# Y9 J( Q- p1 R
He said she was what was missing
1 x( H* y2 E5 EShe said instantly she knew5 ?9 B/ i  t* a0 p; ^
She was a question to be answered/ o1 C$ S1 Q8 y6 i2 M
And his answer is # f" J1 q$ C* I3 g, \
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
; ?/ f8 i- h5 z& K. b# ?/ b+ A4 c; _0 l8 ^+ }2 p
Below is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt1 ~  z- O+ a6 R9 w2 o( L: ]
% W; N- r* Y$ O4 G
It's amazing how I felt   m0 j4 N3 N8 ?2 |# f( R2 @$ u  V9 ?
when I was with you" [( x# T9 d' n2 p* G5 l/ q) a
My heart beat so fast. A3 T! U4 E' @$ |2 A2 b
I looked at you and thought" ~! o, ~1 Q2 V- ?% _2 d, V
Holy Jesus, you were so cute: L  P9 I/ F6 I* ^/ X1 B

8 k3 `- E+ k7 I+ tYou left me without a word
$ g$ w/ C6 k4 H4 r7 m5 K" dI have nothing except my emptiness
% p" g: Q9 @7 U, W/ c2 @" H. eMy mood is like a cloud
0 R' |8 O& U, R7 _0 P; I; J6 vHow could it be dispersed?
5 Z5 ?! o8 m2 n* d: G  {0 m# ?, g8 s6 X1 s, O  N$ F5 r
Feelings bite my heart
3 F2 [4 I8 z6 ~0 z( Q0 ?5 TYou are the right one I wait1 Y# ~' c+ b* ]7 L. [
In the depth of my soul
, V, \/ D1 A' p+ C' cI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 T# l- f$ S& o8 s9 }你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: M7 g" d( }8 [  \就和用中文写一次3 s$ \1 {) D7 O1 M  a" K
阿,我爱你
+ d3 m+ x' K) \/ Q+ {你让我心跳好快* W7 ^) Y+ [8 \- y
你让我脸发热
9 ?+ }0 M9 v! v$ q, [我爱上你的大嘴唇
# c. o) J# k; uXXXXX8 j0 g; ?/ ?3 _5 y0 y* |% `
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
" {! x' Z% @! @( o! n4 G4 y1 u
5 t( S" D% s5 m6 q6 a3 P+ N% K) n如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
5 T# Y) K* `- A0 d1 y% X8 h) k: n至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
. w! M# p1 v0 q+ T闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) o, T( Q" J2 c
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 Q# y: |: ^2 q就和用中文写一次" z" ^# K6 V. }
阿,我爱你
9 p3 P7 ^. H* v% S& q你让我心跳好快
' X: n3 P2 {$ _5 J% [$ A$ O, @你让我脸发热
/ |  t* i" x7 n我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ D! w8 y' V$ iXXXXX! K+ [+ B5 l- x* e% J5 q
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

/ n0 O1 z, A4 {0 |# z3 ~, ~0 K. T( L( M. w/ f
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.+ d6 E( m( P/ [' Q
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-3-10 18:51 , Processed in 0.207366 second(s), 31 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表