我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
5 x: `  Q! p$ w+ C3 C+ R( U' YAt the first week we met
8 P8 e2 K6 g3 F! p( R0 n2 q
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
, M' I. D( U1 `9 `/ {6 n$ l9 C# _9 VThey are shining stars
% w& _' o! @* a- g: Q. `
- k" P  x% b  NYour lip is so big
- U$ E; X% n8 J) o; wAnd that’s good for a kiss
' t! A( I) A; U4 a) J& B6 {+ BYour body is chubby
9 `, S9 j( D, _& XAnd that is good for sex

+ G4 h5 s$ h8 ^; [I was deeply in love
0 e" F; s0 @* K4 h. U+ i: DEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

: @, L1 U) `- q$ cYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
6 v: P# V3 S! w" g! }: nI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
2 ]) Q6 T/ S4 [7 Z3 R: Q) H
I fell in love with you
, ^2 J# H4 K/ o: i+ ]% E  k: ^Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
2 Y+ |4 _8 l  O9 h. ?8 s( mAnd that is the price for love
& k0 V- R4 R! J
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
5 @0 S" n/ L8 Z5 {) d! v* P"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

4 G  w1 ^! Z, l+ o  K' `+ @You are loving me
6 n0 e! d/ a7 xor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
0 P) B$ R+ L* C3 sand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
8 Y1 \: e: p' u  K1 rmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

( [) n4 {$ r) l3 \' ]4 C7 V) U3 r
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 p" c4 l" Y1 h( D" e) C
with the charm,
with the simles.
# D& ]; R# T- NI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
( ]2 ^) B3 o8 dYour body is so sexy
2 n8 r7 U2 R5 Q+ V' yAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

/ O- t( H% ^7 \! UI am deeply in love
+ G- ~& z7 W/ X% f5 SEverything from you is so charming
# A6 h9 U1 Y& m6 M/ C8 J' R: g: A$ balthough You r so picky for me
! N, S1 N! d- I( ]! QAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
6 ], H2 d- {7 z& EBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
! E0 {1 g: N7 j; r( Y( [: \
! h" ?) x/ c: w! [# ^3 R
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ t* f2 s* T+ o0 F+ OHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
, a1 D6 ~7 `$ @. DShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
* B# ^4 j) S1 e1 O6 p/ x
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
' A( A& B& n" T6 s
- z& O4 X6 n% U. v/ R1 i4 ?0 hIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
! z$ h, o& u3 f6 V5 z* n6 F6 DMy heart beat so fast
3 r0 J- L6 E0 xI looked at you and thought
+ x8 h- O, I+ MHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
3 I3 Y4 T- z1 L  S0 gI have nothing except my emptiness
2 r* {) O0 S0 _: G9 tMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
0 P+ R0 s. Y0 L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
, p3 |: ]0 V, x. _* w1 ^9 Y阿,我爱你
& p) X  q) r) F* R1 `你让我心跳好快
$ U2 b0 p* X! Q/ B) y' [你让我脸发热
0 G" B' L  l4 m我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
8 S. A/ |7 B) D1 t/ j
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
( Z5 j/ K) |* r8 f0 L2 x" d至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 v' J! `1 c7 Z" x$ v0 l你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 t- K; j/ r& k; v  c6 I. P& A就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
5 K' _# L3 K' K8 s你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
/ ]6 c+ m! k# _- ^; Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
0 R) h% Z/ s3 F* g: J) Q  Z" O不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

: U2 _- M6 P; d, F- ~% J. b$ {
5 D( ^! d2 V0 }靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。