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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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I fell in love with you
# g" n1 k$ M0 K8 A5 t' iAt the first week we met
& P8 s1 M$ O" o2 C" J
8 e2 O4 I& ~2 H6 S- OYou have charm, you have looks
4 r7 [$ z" W9 Jwith full of pimples in face  A( `$ K0 I. Z% y
As spotting sky at a summer night; x# c0 C8 m) c- }
They are shining stars
1 e" y" {; |, T$ U# L# s& Y# ?  Y5 w6 F) }. h* F
Your lip is so big' H5 }" ^8 N2 x' G& B9 w7 ~
And that’s good for a kiss! k/ u- m0 M1 G- I: W7 ?# Y4 E' a. ]. q
Your body is chubby0 D7 J9 J3 F+ p# P3 N* A, ?
And that is good for sex
  O/ f$ k7 K" X) N6 [6 l3 f6 F1 F, {( b. \$ T- B# n: Y5 m
I was deeply in love
% X& V# x, ~1 GEverything from you is positive
1 r2 m7 v2 X9 ]: }4 s7 D) L  gYou blame me everything and everyday. `0 c5 ~4 Y- @1 c$ t5 k3 y
And I think all girls sound like
" m. K5 M8 v" |1 \: O- n7 [) P/ @9 W4 t. C
" i2 r- {( t- z) B& D2 n- tYou could not stand my eating; Z% `( i: k* t. s5 n6 a
Saying no good for making funny sound
9 G+ \6 m6 D4 n: S6 X, P+ JI think you are perfectly right. Y% W4 k- [. v6 d. K. t) |  C
Eating with sound is a pig
& K! P, D# R6 p+ K/ `; B, |. @
* l& X6 S: T, f) `3 P2 A$ ?I fell in love with you & g) s% b% _; x; r! R6 n
Become a fool to think
9 o( s3 \5 H( q0 S) `7 ^All trouble things you did
) e6 y8 A$ c( W3 rAnd that is the price for love
$ O8 T/ x- d$ w8 y9 ?5 |8 L# z( ?! {- @! r" z: }- g
you are deeply in love
5 }* F: j/ Y% \5 z  G( K5 F% ^Everything from me is negative, [; k8 u; s3 K1 m% Q" Q7 a# b
"My man should be like this,
4 i- C) A9 O2 ?- Iand I am helping you to improve'
8 w3 R- L. g1 [  O) k* L0 d% R
  L- G, ~( N  ?' E" y/ ?You are loving me $ _7 }6 @& a7 a- Z2 ~. I5 ^
or that one in your mind?1 ^: s9 F+ {: ]8 {* y* _
My mind is like a mud3 \" h. B* z4 p2 n
can be shaped whatever you want, X4 o' q8 t1 V) q

* J. N& I( G) x, S7 b6 @unfortunalety not my heart: D4 n7 A& B. j6 Y. l  G
It is slashed by you 3 V, L$ A# ]! r& n
and I am seriously hurt, i/ B9 Q/ e3 X* o

4 y! b: n- Z/ ~- W. K( ]: EI will never love another 7 @! k( N' J1 T
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 - Y, s- L; n6 r+ ]
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
$ M- S; L1 _( v, P# w& s不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
( Z' Z6 a& m$ M0 \i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.3 j" B; i* L% h
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed. d3 `! Y4 u( a$ t1 ~( p
& r( L8 |+ s; o1 G0 |6 D8 Y
with the charm,# W3 Y; Y( p1 g, ?
with the simles.
  N. N' c, J! P- GI fell in love with you ! c1 I- g7 Z0 v9 Z4 h+ g! h
In the first sign.0 g% t( D5 g9 v7 c: f
As spotting sky at a summer 7 N) D9 ?& l4 n! }

7 ?+ A  Q$ W- U$ G8 A1 QYour lip is so soft
9 j' z" n/ R# Hthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
: P0 y) C* _' N4 Y  k* t6 _Your body is so sexy) P8 J$ A, z, x6 ], i/ Q
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u./ L' R5 G" O9 Q5 h# \1 R# U

  A4 l) P- H5 S$ ~. S: _I am deeply in love! V( Y  _  c$ M( b5 Y- Y4 j9 J
Everything from you is so charming
; `7 N; u) J& D. a) \) Malthough You r so picky for me
7 y2 O2 b/ H$ h: a$ y3 e7 W! y) o1 QAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.6 a2 K0 ~# Y8 q! y
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
, ]& u% U% ^- m' W5 N* [
0 j3 s1 W  C6 K; g& E9 o( q' E6 Y0 K5 ]4 S9 f
His hello is the end of her endings$ w$ l" ]; R4 ]! P
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
; _  L; E! T8 Z' |2 _2 oHis hand would be hers to hold forever" n% N! E9 q/ Q6 @& y
His forever is simply as her smile 8 B( P8 c6 u5 h
He said she was what was missing
9 W) X4 u4 v! ~  h: z4 jShe said instantly she knew
8 K; x! ~1 i; s  |3 h( JShe was a question to be answered+ Z0 i+ y0 X/ s/ ]2 m
And his answer is
* {. t8 i! Y, K7 o& B" iI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas8 \7 z* n' {# {. ?- O4 ^* v
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Below is my new one, any comment?
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
$ x% {8 q0 v, f2 o1 I/ }, p: u, X* Y
It's amazing how I felt
  u: f2 g5 i# t) o* g6 _' gwhen I was with you
* e; u9 Y. H: O1 [My heart beat so fast& d! P7 |& X& ~* q& I- ^
I looked at you and thought7 }/ ~) h, j& E3 ]' U
Holy Jesus, you were so cute8 l  W3 n; Q. H8 \, A( b: w$ A# s- b& x
: M( W3 S7 F# f1 h/ o% m
You left me without a word
; M/ D% G: I) G5 WI have nothing except my emptiness
  y, Z% M, U9 ~- z+ h' ^8 pMy mood is like a cloud$ s$ J7 h1 q2 i" U; u
How could it be dispersed?
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( }+ l8 Q, Y7 K% v+ V6 L+ l4 K) MFeelings bite my heart ; T5 y4 Z; C% U
You are the right one I wait! a& T" M# N) z+ R. R
In the depth of my soul- t7 I- u! D) M" p0 j: g
I will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# Y  G  j7 G1 e1 _( l, e! Q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 F8 P. z$ p' O9 A! c就和用中文写一次' ?# n3 d' j; p+ d: n8 \* e
阿,我爱你( s8 \! i/ u# N9 ~: k
你让我心跳好快3 \. h% N" V& j" ~! z/ a8 ]
你让我脸发热
8 f: t  L' N( |! _我爱上你的大嘴唇
  t! v2 O7 s5 C2 OXXXXX
# y' g2 T( q( @5 W- {不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
3 k# x( Y- e! U8 y* ?, b. h* @
% f  i% n/ `4 A; b如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
- ]$ z) s+ U2 }! ^至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
/ b# [! P) E4 o3 l$ a闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美2 x) ?+ R$ n  }3 B. @: Q( N
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道' p1 `5 n$ V. g' o& g; S
就和用中文写一次
  ?2 F) O; @0 T, ^! m# O6 Y阿,我爱你7 \" K% W+ ^& v& i) N! S
你让我心跳好快! z- P0 K8 a- R, a( |: W0 \8 i- C
你让我脸发热
; f7 I4 L3 @% x0 A5 Z我爱上你的大嘴唇) X9 W7 j% k  h2 Y2 N
XXXXX$ C! j7 O& v4 g# Y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

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; C$ k9 P9 q7 Q  y靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca., z* }% t! V, ?# a9 H& P+ m
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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