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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love8 T. R' O* ]1 G% L9 {* a, @, T

9 J4 G6 f. A7 b$ S: H$ q6 o; V) xI fell in love with you
3 G/ Q; P- r: L4 s# v6 \3 mAt the first week we met% v1 y; s: C* }) ?6 h+ u
% U! h( |3 F3 [  X6 B8 i6 y
You have charm, you have looks
! |) j' z2 e! g# _9 n9 cwith full of pimples in face
  H3 f, Y/ ~; |8 p' [; o* MAs spotting sky at a summer night
# C0 x; R- Q" J/ b5 rThey are shining stars
& d( }2 t+ |6 a0 I  V' o( c2 R# s8 A- V) I6 l
Your lip is so big% t, e# P; F* z5 f
And that’s good for a kiss' x/ ]0 K! t3 h, V
Your body is chubby
. i  V, F/ s3 gAnd that is good for sex
' O9 x8 Z4 P% F9 N2 @' D7 |' _6 l3 `/ T9 J8 B4 W6 b
I was deeply in love& v* A) @8 _: G( P; W, G, I
Everything from you is positive
7 ?9 n8 ]* l' K8 h4 NYou blame me everything and everyday
& ]3 T- L) a% a4 WAnd I think all girls sound like
- I' m% W& O. i9 H  C5 K. d7 g3 d& o+ [- \) `8 R
You could not stand my eating
+ e/ Z+ K) W: a' TSaying no good for making funny sound5 i& }' U2 K% h
I think you are perfectly right2 Y0 k. S/ D7 K0 o- L; [) m
Eating with sound is a pig
( N% U& K; ~2 B' f4 {
* K! l# {+ w0 v8 ]) {  P+ QI fell in love with you 5 R; l" b1 P! {. o  L" w% ]
Become a fool to think( u, |, ^& G/ o2 Q% E( y  C- Q
All trouble things you did' R/ C3 k7 `3 i
And that is the price for love$ x5 y- m6 o' a; e  U; B

. l( p5 ^4 M( F0 {* ~: f% eyou are deeply in love
7 q% Z( L1 W! i: _/ X  S- rEverything from me is negative
/ f. [3 B0 L' z. P1 @& P5 g2 |: n"My man should be like this,% v! C1 e4 E4 I3 X
and I am helping you to improve'
) `1 q8 z4 W- x- i
0 L6 }6 o  G. Y6 mYou are loving me 6 T9 Q" O- h3 j' p6 {% u9 W
or that one in your mind?
9 J3 m, [/ e  M' R8 kMy mind is like a mud1 A. l( D7 h$ O+ L5 l4 [
can be shaped whatever you want& g, N0 u$ N; ?% d1 e% Q

, |! y& Z8 |0 c/ Munfortunalety not my heart
& @( ]2 p7 r* W, l$ G: c4 P- {It is slashed by you & j4 j0 v0 \, y7 K! i9 {
and I am seriously hurt3 e9 {9 @* ^& D6 j! Y' x$ H( M$ C. Q4 D, O
7 j0 H2 a1 n; N# _  B! P
I will never love another 7 ~4 J, O! T7 Q( Y
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 * r, o6 s& `7 y( M, n
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

8 `- Z" Q8 o8 d
: U7 C8 Q' o# Q+ e5 Y咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!* n, g4 Z2 |9 b
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
8 f) V0 p. B4 Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
2 A3 E' \: o+ v5 z5 F4 WAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed" i# T6 P  w& k  n" f  p

7 x5 s: _, @( c; Vwith the charm,& n) R% W- i5 i' m
with the simles.1 R& [2 p7 Z: I. A
I fell in love with you
( @' b) j" T  v: u  uIn the first sign.
7 r  F. d3 i6 NAs spotting sky at a summer
3 e3 T: c! t. c, ^2 L0 g( `. p  i3 ~* `( X, E, {, g4 R8 i
Your lip is so soft 5 }6 x' V3 y& F+ n5 L6 E
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
& {/ B2 Y# y1 T9 ~0 aYour body is so sexy
$ l. L2 _1 j' A' I. k& q! jAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.6 v. I$ W; @) c; s7 i6 Q* U

: Z7 w3 ?- {: BI am deeply in love
4 T$ l- l* e1 F+ e7 J5 dEverything from you is so charming% ~7 D  V. r7 t" e
although You r so picky for me
: x& b5 K( S1 K, OAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.( k4 [) E9 x- W" H0 a
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
8 r7 w3 S2 `- T" H% D2 C
  E5 S; M- q8 A+ l4 t% X3 H! d
' v- A8 p: a; I- {6 i# KHis hello is the end of her endings
; |& S: Y, G1 O) L( D- VHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
5 J9 l3 Y. c: XHis hand would be hers to hold forever4 S* O7 w/ D3 j) Q' C& T: J
His forever is simply as her smile ( C- D2 t1 r. g$ ~; J
He said she was what was missing& N- {% C5 R1 c$ s  y
She said instantly she knew
1 S; A% T& {+ N1 e$ FShe was a question to be answered9 e9 Z& ]) n6 [3 j& M
And his answer is 4 R2 `9 M, T# A
I do
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas8 e- a2 T$ q" e$ d+ [) h
. q- v" L( y! `( s( c
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
: X7 N! T5 g7 H1 _  D, U1 @  n+ q7 C6 Q( X
It's amazing how I felt
1 _2 q3 E# I" n$ M4 H3 dwhen I was with you
0 p  ]% M6 E- {" ?5 VMy heart beat so fast( k- h$ T/ r& z2 s6 n5 [' B8 K1 f
I looked at you and thought
. \% F% w6 Q$ e4 jHoly Jesus, you were so cute/ l8 l6 P. C3 K6 O! {8 T
2 l" A- `3 d; R! q4 b
You left me without a word
& o, O: Q* R2 zI have nothing except my emptiness* c1 v/ [2 ~! V3 g. \9 y  ?7 J( R
My mood is like a cloud* F0 L$ L8 O0 L' n% {2 m
How could it be dispersed?; l: s. A: n8 N% P; l3 \8 @& O
5 ]8 y6 V  u' y
Feelings bite my heart
+ u' V+ y& o- ~" J+ `8 i: R2 fYou are the right one I wait
/ E+ M5 W+ o! F. hIn the depth of my soul) H. ^. y- e$ P. s8 h, y
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; ^  \. d+ x5 ]1 y$ {你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* N. ?' o1 z7 O0 k8 ^, U就和用中文写一次" a  o4 B- m* q( `/ N* t1 ]# @/ ^0 C
阿,我爱你+ i* k# k- t7 Z! p1 L  q' }) \4 q9 e
你让我心跳好快  G" j, H: J1 ^6 Y6 m
你让我脸发热
- f' ]% r9 I4 Q- M3 `我爱上你的大嘴唇( v: a; b7 ]% u$ G  s! u
XXXXX1 i4 m7 o3 n: b
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
+ v9 |2 K8 Z2 [4 L+ P6 S" A1 g4 ]1 O; s9 _1 m
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
+ y. a2 m$ d# c0 }4 S. ]* I至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
, {( R7 s, B4 y+ i, N& i7 ]- A闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, ^' A9 P1 ~7 ]& P& i
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; p3 n" A0 t6 a/ N8 ?$ a就和用中文写一次1 @1 S7 n6 O: Q3 Q+ |
阿,我爱你
& A7 c" a8 C: I, `. N你让我心跳好快
9 e7 Q& r4 E$ h" L: j/ k2 v# Z你让我脸发热5 [, g! C  S  v
我爱上你的大嘴唇
. |, p8 w  ]0 i1 l* I# ^0 l* ZXXXXX
. \1 k9 u1 C# @" {! p# B不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
% N/ h2 C; L0 M% P; F# J! [
& ]& o% D5 m) F$ i5 q! \9 u
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
3 \+ _4 o8 D+ h7 V* G! d6 F' g; A6 e0 {
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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