我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

9 h  f: o5 i8 z% B. LI fell in love with you
: N/ C; s9 o+ o- f/ wAt the first week we met
, ?4 {6 O1 j# }; Y5 _2 l( Q
8 h" h0 l" u# s# CYou have charm, you have looks
& S: m( _4 C& ]2 l; {4 T: G; Cwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
1 F, W1 z# E" P, T8 Y8 B& Q, e9 ]They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
0 z" Y% F, v2 Q" F( M, B6 fAnd that’s good for a kiss
6 w8 w. ]/ W) F" P) A& H, eYour body is chubby
0 Q, D) Z  [4 s5 a( bAnd that is good for sex

8 p! K: J8 a$ x8 [- [* ]I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
3 W$ W, D( S2 RAnd I think all girls sound like
. H  P, C% x' _* {4 Z) v9 |
: ?1 T# p7 j4 e% vYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
# w: w) ^! V0 v* U6 ~" rI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

3 v  v" i# N% xI fell in love with you
/ [- ]8 q* [, u7 t- S" K/ }Become a fool to think
5 s; e  q/ L0 e- yAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

9 p4 w3 E* G1 H/ r5 @% g/ E: Myou are deeply in love
9 V/ `7 N5 e9 N5 P1 UEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
, W7 z* G. m. l/ M# C4 }and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

" a, ?  E* F. P; B6 |; ]1 Funfortunalety not my heart
; d) A& U3 u4 B$ A4 @& m; t4 U9 y* ~It is slashed by you
" s6 w( K9 F% m& j* ?and I am seriously hurt

' ~: q0 N* Q( ?+ S/ wI will never love another
- C7 z) m. {% mIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% i4 f, I4 |; `( G. O
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
/ v( a1 ]- }  e% Q. ]i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

& ]1 ~0 Y# Y5 K7 zwith the charm,
/ X/ ^7 u6 H! y6 L2 ?: dwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
9 @  n1 H0 @: `3 p* T) Q9 DAs spotting sky at a summer
8 B- s7 d5 r  L+ i! ?: S! k. P
Your lip is so soft
- L6 T7 j! E' ^there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
. ^% ~  }0 M$ B( ~7 o% ?. j6 tAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

. ^, v: D5 k# J0 FI am deeply in love
- h' |% G' ?# yEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
- _5 [+ K5 g5 y( FAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
4 n5 u; p+ z! @- H+ O% l9 t& }8 YBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


* f7 i$ L6 Z; Q$ |5 M9 FHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
8 z$ Y9 I6 S. v" Q/ ^9 n' }His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
+ U- S1 Y2 A9 K$ o3 oHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
9 J- a/ U# j( l: I, Q) QShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
! g% O# k6 |0 Y3 NI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
( w/ I3 k; `/ o- S
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
# A, [4 \# Q, l2 ^/ m2 @
0 ^' ^2 @3 y2 q0 G- F( {8 ZIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
; n. s! U9 b0 o8 [I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
' v/ m0 u' p9 ^1 R. OHow could it be dispersed?

+ _, a' w8 l6 d" sFeelings bite my heart
) @% V" `5 t, L/ R' ?You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
& b+ g4 ]! a# U7 c, F6 M4 jI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 [3 o+ V7 q$ [" \1 u  a- y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) }( @% ~  e+ g# X2 ~就和用中文写一次
! h; a$ z8 `+ i) u. J0 u阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
' H2 @9 y: `& K你让我脸发热
# g& d2 F& n+ `0 x, b我爱上你的大嘴唇
" M$ }% S2 _- l: w7 @XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
# k& `) \' H9 |2 y6 q至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 x' t0 \' {- ?4 q3 @8 S你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
* [# M0 D2 @4 x- s5 M8 T阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
2 m; z6 h8 `" t& }, x& x& b你让我脸发热
. d' @7 j* K9 v# H  l/ _- U! B我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。