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Dress Code: 8 |- F6 J0 B( D# V* U
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. $ N8 x% E* ^9 X0 j9 h2 W( k/ U
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
! o& o" M& D5 R3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
0 L* |- ]8 a8 A0 \( k4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 5 F* b; ^3 d: b2 l% n8 I
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Sick Days: $ @- O, W, ?) S& T. {4 U& g2 w1 {$ m
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
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8 Q3 ~1 d5 ^: v+ Y4 \Personal Days:
' U n. W, d7 h8 @$ v0 \Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. ' K3 C7 Q2 L1 B
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Bereavement Leave:
! W+ P# Q4 u$ o& n+ c; r1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
5 G) Y) z/ F* q1 Q% W+ q8 d2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. P1 L! r4 W# [ [, o! w |) t
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. 0 b, p0 V8 v4 y2 e6 \
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. $ v6 V9 ^: _% d% W# C$ F8 e; _
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Bathroom Breaks:
, D5 A S7 N! p, ~1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. ' E6 l4 P l: M+ F: B
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. . x' q& }2 k* ]8 e: B( U' {
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
6 n" ]3 d/ G" X0 W4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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4 z1 M3 x! q) c" U% e. FLunch Break:
; X( p8 g+ m& P$ y6 {1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. 2 W+ r6 `/ U0 ?
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
& X' m$ q4 _5 R. N3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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The Management
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) T* M4 O- {2 A' }( `+ s7 JPass this on to all who are employed. |
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