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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something2 m7 w+ b) H+ {3 C; ]- S p9 f1 Y# V
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get' ]- q/ N/ _) c3 \2 t' u
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a* a6 Y# I/ N: t& x
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I! y5 g% q# [, W* [5 M, ]6 }
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
& C8 a: F9 G1 h1 Eyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a7 l* v/ c. [; f1 `# J
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer8 R, k; @7 {$ g! q9 T
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics j+ P6 s4 i7 I
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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' J/ y# {2 M+ W+ Y# UMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club) x( j) x$ f1 J( h
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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9 }3 k/ j- W" ?MONDAY:: D0 r) y* l+ r9 t
8 o- y5 p( d- B2 _" Z) I- X( _Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
$ y- v# F8 {; Jworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for$ q9 V7 V! |5 f5 w4 G3 K V
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
0 T& ~' ?& \6 k( K1 aeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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) k4 N+ c: M5 Y) l% B8 S3 \5 aShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
# t3 f) ]& D/ M: w: Ethat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her" W. H& w6 }# v! O% \4 U4 T4 [
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in: f5 Q3 p2 |% P1 k
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.& I- T9 [9 L- `. E
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,$ P' e1 G( a8 I9 B& P* }! D
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she# J. m$ u& p' b$ ]: E
was around.
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$ C2 y7 \1 @) s+ u3 n* a; A0 ]( FThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!* u+ B9 C4 }: t$ s' l; r& M
5 M" b8 e$ u9 LTUESDAY:
3 D' {8 g# J5 f3 V* \6 |3 M( lI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
, ]; r, ]5 a3 N, D; a* M, c4 f+ UBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 D$ z, \" K+ S: t- D ~; T c! w1 Vand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
7 O" l: h2 j; ^) T5 t8 `0 q* utreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it2 ^7 h. C- p2 |
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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9 |2 _% ^, i% n6 Y1 p9 @: OWEDNESDAY:! G3 m- e: E f7 f
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on3 _% r7 Y' J1 O
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have& c8 t. ]! _; F* n
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
: M( [0 Y6 Y: f4 {6 L ~$ Fsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
# z/ e1 Z+ D& U3 zbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for% O* x' ]* \# L; N; r4 y( S
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
8 l ^# d! _5 Y' `( X4 Dthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
/ i `! Z) s. \4 v) h CBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a$ {+ u0 b. e+ r3 K1 m/ ^
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
+ i0 t0 D" s7 S6 W* k6 k, Otold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.8 L& l) Z+ ^9 V& w
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
# }: q! p% f8 `Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
9 \ [* M' N- x# K) o, jher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help. J# N7 T6 V9 Q2 F
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
, H7 {; |- E8 F. _took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
2 n3 M) u) c$ V& n3 o/ Y* @hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
" X( J7 {* u: k- O! U* Qmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:( k l/ e, f4 k: J$ ?$ Q
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
' S5 O7 f1 x" Y @' cany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! z, h! k7 m9 N' m) ^( Qanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
* y, I# h' z( {0 y wcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
! n: l3 S5 I% f) w, Twanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!1 p8 Q1 i1 _8 x1 P) Y
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
& I, [. Y8 t7 g5 ^the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich., \* z: Q# H5 R* P% q* Y# H% ~% t
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition! J* e/ i# {9 k l) W- I0 L6 K3 U* U
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
" g) H S6 M( `+ N# S4 u3 dor the choir director?4 B) w1 u. W3 M2 O* ?5 b6 s' h
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SATURDAY:
6 O0 D. [2 G! o: Y& e J' P/ wBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
3 B+ n! V6 v- O1 G ]; L8 Y+ _# Qshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
6 [4 e6 v6 ^& }" K( A: r- E( smade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
2 \9 }: Y9 M8 X: j3 f6 sstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight$ k O: v8 S5 b
hours of the Weather Channel.
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( K. C. @9 E+ G) r4 WSUNDAY:0 _' v1 v" W2 W. }1 m
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
8 L9 M7 c* t2 tand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
1 P1 U9 D/ B* ?# V) e1 H0 emy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like* c. u' L9 U9 v' K# O# G) a5 k7 C
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
