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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something# B* S) O2 H) u4 r M: U7 d
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
8 I$ R ~" [ C3 I% Einto a regular workout routine.* g0 g6 g* u1 a+ b* ?
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a" b) Z. V1 y- J* s7 t
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I3 N2 f- f: N+ A0 M5 U M+ r( e
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
. r9 l7 H1 d2 B0 Z! cyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
( v/ U" V* w0 p$ L0 xtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer. z" {# e& k; `& P
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics8 t2 y2 M. b: b% H/ n$ E: |! \- i- `
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. ?9 E% _, ^7 p2 P5 ~& j
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
& N- V/ l q4 o( o3 n& S+ M! _6 }encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:' I8 B7 x6 Y/ a+ K7 X
% C8 ^! I2 w5 m7 e$ m' U+ OStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
6 a& }2 Y/ V# h3 E, Nworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for6 P& a# _' B3 S( E3 j3 m8 O
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
3 j# Q) Y% F0 q9 o. [eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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u* N4 j9 q! V- v, @+ Q* w2 _She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed5 \+ |* a4 S) w2 n* S
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
, ~8 J3 h3 [: }# B( Sin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in S$ B2 r2 |1 p- ^* M
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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; L; C# D7 S9 f [7 uVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
' c J9 s' ^: M& B% q# i% Oalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she4 q w- @7 H9 w0 I- B
was around./ z! H+ j5 D; i6 N6 ?5 {
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!, q- j( y; Z. F( r, [, p. Q
Y- q! Y! F) D8 |$ y! \# BTUESDAY:
4 Z2 _* |' j/ L6 j+ g8 }0 \I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
4 r" E% P9 p: T2 RBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, h. A. y4 U2 c, I; Eand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
+ \/ |* T$ \- ktreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
8 O; s8 i' ?" f- n1 Tall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. r; Q5 E8 c+ o6 ], m
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WEDNESDAY:5 X) G8 l3 a2 Z% L5 n) N3 V, j
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on3 X, q- u1 k' @5 n4 L
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
! @% e H) |- m$ R. y' ]a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
) k; o( d$ C7 t0 a0 p c3 p1 ~steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
' S- }# B- c( L( `1 b+ x, tbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
, u V" i2 a! t/ g3 |+ wearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
R3 v( [( L% t. y" c& z. Vthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
, A! {: X- Z& f2 ?6 QBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
7 ^& U/ y3 z6 J4 b: n' M! [$ gmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
. F2 q! P% O; J( k1 C4 ftold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.: o" V8 B6 b' D1 b1 ]# A
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She said some other shit too.7 t1 a7 u7 W( L" @& B
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THURSDAY:
& r! W& o/ k; j9 Q7 @* K# RBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as6 i; l( Q. R' R; H
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help/ w% H3 R r7 _2 }) b6 n# D
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda# c6 A- z- X8 Y
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and9 [6 Z E- b5 S" b
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
6 x+ x* t0 F9 K9 K- o* J5 X. }machine -- which I sank.+ D7 z5 D6 S# F1 g. j6 ]$ `$ x1 F# f4 g7 L
& h. |+ y- \0 Q; ]6 OFRIDAY:( s6 a4 c; r$ T4 p1 O- z. k* B
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
; Z& Z4 i P* W( f. Z4 @3 Xany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,. J6 Z3 u) w: |3 i0 x1 v' ] ~
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I; k, s0 p$ Z- r
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda0 P) w$ O1 j7 a/ l( m$ {5 \
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!* }& {7 @& A$ s) i1 h
' k3 j* W5 Z; P- x; ` W8 v% w! pAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me+ A( D% i& S% C7 B6 C9 D
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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3 F. c) d, c2 Q; ^3 O7 ]) w: |The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition8 H7 ~! E* o' E' j- A8 f, C& ?; J
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach' ?7 ]" A3 J8 }: J1 S
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
& q' `# S9 p( yBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,( E0 J6 i$ p& G: @' x4 P5 I
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
' P( d4 g9 q5 N4 ]! m1 Q3 vmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
5 `. g8 ]* |+ D. [strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
+ L7 p! ?1 u0 g& i6 ~3 R+ thours of the Weather Channel.6 c% E! j! `9 @4 T1 V
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SUNDAY:
. d* @* m& U. aI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go+ c* {1 q: X) U5 @7 h7 m# c# _
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
& S/ v+ ^& w& n5 X( @my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
' }8 |4 X' U& C4 Pa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
