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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something9 r# }$ p; k2 K2 r- Q
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get, F1 }' U; p1 b7 I- g
into a regular workout routine.. M" V- n- { ]6 l* S8 v& [2 O$ U1 I
- Y- Q1 {9 q0 [+ T( J! d& gDear Diary:! u, ]0 Z" S, N8 p; N
; Q- |0 t# |3 E6 i! }For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a4 K1 t! [1 B, [' q# V
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
f! g! ^4 ]1 f; W7 a0 [am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 258 a6 K' h0 w* I7 J* H9 k" c2 Q- |6 @
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
& c" e3 x2 c V# Jtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer) ?* S! g. p+ g1 S4 J- Q
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics! s% u/ ]4 Y6 q) E9 Y) }0 b
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.2 T( P% b h0 A
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
6 h" W( g) ]. m9 K# iencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.$ Z) `7 O# h7 H. @6 e; b5 b
4 B* E6 V. [3 H% m/ q! J3 F" M6 yMONDAY:
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+ K+ G* |! B' s1 Z' KStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well% k9 K |& _7 r% C7 r- k
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for: U, m/ U0 g* U9 a0 d, U) D
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing0 D z% r. ?* o" I |
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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- `) v/ I% J2 p" l# p& g- pShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed+ K& y- X+ k; J; Q( X0 e
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
) g& d, H& r$ `" ]' r! e+ bin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in6 v4 n' ~: r1 F/ n1 d
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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1 X; z# a' Z5 FVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
* k1 G* t# Q3 S* E- V$ Zalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she- U2 b1 g! U8 `8 P+ }8 F* a6 B; i
was around.
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7 d8 C+ j2 _- ?) [, H0 c1 e( IThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
( b& p9 f- K/ _I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
+ U7 o% v8 b4 Z% E( oBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,8 O Q5 D! r( P6 f& g
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the. o3 i) N3 F. Q8 T. J+ f
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
: O: ]+ _$ V% _" a! ]9 g! C! nall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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- r( v" A0 E+ l, i1 WWEDNESDAY:
s, u# Z2 E! c) b8 v, X9 P) mThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on" Z. \9 J" I( k
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
3 J/ T0 y0 F, {* R% Ya hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
1 X% ]! J2 X8 Z$ I# j8 \steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
8 i& d! z' L3 x. Dbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
3 @- q: L% l4 \% P& j# A* dearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine; p% u" {; `# A: r) W
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so8 S3 t# ^3 o; L3 x: u
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
6 f& C; _" z( a" D( P; dmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
5 s0 Z# k! `/ J$ f' q9 B1 Ntold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.9 _" ? a9 F$ G- a! p
6 X! t) g& _5 b: y/ rShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:: f' ?! `" V) ?$ g. P' b
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
' }' @1 O! F0 v' K9 ~3 \7 X$ Cher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
/ O0 \. a& H. ?% Mbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda) Z, N0 V8 \; J
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and; z$ P6 y$ D3 j+ i, Y
hid in the men's room.0 M% h& c A" o% z
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing1 X" c/ B6 h. f/ g0 c
machine -- which I sank.- g# P/ _. l3 }; q3 P
# |4 @# p" \8 X3 K. g* ^FRIDAY:; ]; |4 h% h+ w, `; C1 ]0 N
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
! ?6 J- @3 D2 Z6 I& @ |9 Wany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
2 @4 b8 s5 ]. p" U7 Uanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
1 f4 G) w, l/ I2 k' W qcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda6 k' l# P; g, t v$ }/ M
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!/ \7 @7 o8 k- p# Y) _! O7 @; U
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
) g# P& _4 ]- h# \1 `1 C- [the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich./ P3 S$ O, {; |" u+ t
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition; X& u& ~8 [: _. K5 X- _! e8 Y
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach1 ^1 e5 s# ~; F4 @# r/ P( z) I
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
. V) m, S8 ^2 c) CBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
- @( h- p b$ l' Ushrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her7 M4 E9 w6 ~# |( o: m& s8 [
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the' c0 X0 ]3 ^6 l1 x
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight0 K: s9 N( K! G0 R
hours of the Weather Channel.6 {$ U- P5 d% p/ L/ G
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SUNDAY:
& E& g7 h. a+ X/ ?6 VI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
: y% u" K0 ]! C; F1 band thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,( N5 }+ x) l6 s; u
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like G) S1 d1 W1 r7 h/ \2 P
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
