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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
8 [& T ]9 e/ K% j4 y& ?2 xwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
" Z1 r4 }9 F8 ?5 O: B3 ?into a regular workout routine.
2 {; i, K6 l; J' R" `5 z; r' Y: n. n& M' W( v
Dear Diary:+ f( L" |& j' x8 i, K& C
! K2 M- R' x6 [! JFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a* w: d) j# x: n* W+ p- ]8 H
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
# h& Q# P" {$ T* V# k" b. L% D0 E- kam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25' D7 \: ?- J+ [9 H& ^& @
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
4 x! F( g! G6 s6 j* atry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
A: Q" e0 w; x9 [; M2 B, Wnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics$ J: B9 P5 I/ h8 Q, w, K
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear., L& U& l0 X" }1 R# k1 k+ g
+ ^2 m8 S. D# G, T$ x; j8 U
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
( A/ g% h3 X" B3 w* T( S, Vencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
5 X0 ]4 M8 e% {) u) X5 A
+ m5 @' g; M- T9 v1 U$ rMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well0 Y ` h0 ]: n- K6 b. g
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for9 I5 t% D* o3 K3 n
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
& Z+ V4 T B( Z' r+ A# F4 Z; T9 ~eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed! P; ?; x9 E: d3 X
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her, k r2 v3 h- r" s& i5 H' Z0 f! k
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
5 N9 ?# ~' p( t! _which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.: Y# ~3 W" _7 x8 t; d I5 m
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
# Y- ~6 J! \* t6 L/ m, W* }although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
! _ J! l0 u( \1 t7 Nwas around.
4 g8 l5 Y0 j B" ^5 x
/ _$ j) u( ?. G/ }- D ?This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!1 y& f& Y7 i4 M' m
' s: f; [5 h( l# K$ ^) \TUESDAY:
/ Z& ?9 p: d5 ?0 G# u- y- g& nI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.7 d3 p& f- [/ k
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
; k' E7 q+ Q H% N/ Dand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
+ u, J: G! _) l) O2 l: U" vtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it4 r* F* @7 a2 S" H7 `+ J
all worthwhile.
' o0 \* ]! X+ m: J7 Z& b+ B
! v; {3 X) I2 N) qI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me." v, ]2 V4 J$ {0 d& D
5 S6 |1 ^" }0 Q4 Q9 xWEDNESDAY:/ l' l. t: J7 _1 h
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- k/ W) E4 z- m" wthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
6 G9 A* f1 L" r6 L' J3 z9 Ja hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
4 g- E' c# U }/ C6 D1 ^steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams& X/ |4 L% ~5 u1 Z6 {& F
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
3 M* Y: j7 z7 Q& h( q9 n3 cearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine3 ?1 J3 r/ Y0 ]% w
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
! u2 W) Z- F, H" _( o* ZBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
( j6 J8 G9 s4 S% E5 Mmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda9 n. e& L2 K: _9 r. s9 ]4 \* o
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.3 E& w% f8 u* r
" V( G: {) x0 k( ~ BShe said some other shit too.' s8 S1 `+ A! T) S
0 Y' s: ~ r$ O8 g6 [" }
THURSDAY:
; V; V. s- R, F# @% q6 s+ vBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
- o% k B9 [) Iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
- u3 n2 Q$ ?, C$ B/ T! Q a bbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
7 r) o, S) n8 |6 s3 F2 W5 U! Btook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and, \3 ^0 T- R- Q5 V: j
hid in the men's room.; a# z# g8 h w* s" n5 @) \6 {
# }% J1 `. E; G1 X6 yShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing. I/ P. P, x8 {% F
machine -- which I sank.. I4 R' k* H& F t t5 \6 ]
1 @% _: t6 f8 f5 o; GFRIDAY:
% Z' m: ^2 H8 Z% i' S: a& rI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated1 |+ y: G, a# P# s
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 i+ R/ K( w% V3 R) xanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
8 k0 F3 y g D6 W) Ycould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
. L- G6 L- F. j& Owanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!5 v' S8 u2 c7 r: n
8 K0 F7 [7 f* D- E: a' M& w6 B
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me! L9 \( J, K( c
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.# V. b. g) S/ p- i g
( r- f( S5 _9 @The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition. k& @; D c' B+ ?/ o# F
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach1 T9 B- q4 D4 `+ k
or the choir director?
w8 D2 z0 `8 V; b) P4 x7 m9 a
6 s* a7 p. z" F6 q3 hSATURDAY:$ j& C! C/ a/ o+ y8 G8 C) ^/ l0 Z
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,0 r9 i. z9 P% Q) A
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her ^4 m4 `1 l( E0 S& P% X# t
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the8 a1 ?' m: G0 _& h h& ~$ j
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
3 M$ [! N1 U+ {) @' Chours of the Weather Channel.' [" q1 c7 u# R* M! G4 W2 }
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SUNDAY:
: J$ p \- v2 S2 \I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go/ U3 t' ~% e x4 G
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,( g: I4 A4 `5 q1 p
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like7 E0 Z4 \9 B# I. b+ T
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
