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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
/ l; T1 d% g& C* f9 M8 E( F- Gwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
& N1 L1 F1 d) W" z& P$ U! D) cinto a regular workout routine.
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; k9 |4 h- X, w% X5 PDear Diary:
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) N3 W' d( |! g; c. x' s4 m1 gFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a0 D$ J& |9 t. Q% j
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I5 P( L) N9 o6 j6 ?! o9 u
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
) w2 A; D# i0 M8 T3 u# A7 lyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a5 m/ R' Q3 J" Y5 A2 A H
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer; H9 |! T8 J, }5 W
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
6 y+ f1 e- ?9 a; a) cinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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( J& q, m0 L. |% |My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
$ Q5 I% E. \0 d/ A% j/ V' q) `, wencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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: B+ r0 v; i$ L0 n! zStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' B: k) N4 V( @- tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
7 c+ Z& z6 n' `" v7 ~& A/ f; g% Ame. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
; B$ g4 Y4 U1 I$ C8 Deyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!/ |5 l1 U8 I, R! S# v- v/ m& o
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
! [' S) h- |" \! kthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her" m( s/ Y1 Z8 y3 K$ }7 o! r5 m
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
& ^4 ]% I4 }0 O2 u- R. lwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, \, l$ x' x- b) y
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
0 L% B; W6 w1 S$ R+ ^8 Mwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!& ~; }/ P8 @ V! Q0 n3 K! K2 ~
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TUESDAY:
; P% K# x8 C1 i, Y+ y! ^# dI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
2 j# L& `6 _( H$ kBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
# ?, M( I, h4 nand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
, I0 x4 B; t+ f& F. |' ftreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it* `1 i8 ?3 v) t6 u
all worthwhile.. ]- T( M4 D, b% l$ o6 `# K! c
`7 T' Q1 b3 _/ _0 L3 H+ n! ?I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.* U, }9 m8 Q* e% U/ z
3 l, h" V$ x5 d K" N! r! pWEDNESDAY:3 }9 B, Q, }4 S, p( q
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on3 v, o& q8 \2 p q
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have& ~' v+ a, `+ X
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to( _' r5 H8 g' y" H
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams6 _7 I( g9 c- }7 `5 C
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
8 b2 v: U* e$ A% W% j: x& Xearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine! @, x/ m6 m0 h& w8 C7 W
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
% C* f/ b5 Y, G/ \; I4 H# V4 Q8 T) ~Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a: L( m# U, h) o
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
/ e" S( @, G) f: Z2 `3 v" e( x8 s; dtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.7 ^; Q( l, B: O( V$ w" b
. a5 X% N; H- ]4 b) R" YShe said some other shit too.
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$ e) f9 z) B5 } ETHURSDAY:
f3 d. G* K1 x& g0 YBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
% Z# u% g5 F3 Nher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help: n% ?" w6 T, F. F* E' k* y! L( n
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda/ l6 |! M0 [# K& d& F6 F
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and8 m: Q, |( o5 g6 |$ m" v5 m
hid in the men's room., w. M/ C% g! A( h$ L1 X
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing: }$ R1 ?& b" k( a
machine -- which I sank.
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4 ? x5 m6 Y' l0 C" J, jFRIDAY:" w$ E( C' H+ {% y0 I" t% ^
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
; }4 C. f$ z0 n3 J1 k8 h1 L* H( T8 bany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
9 C" T7 w6 q y( F9 I' r7 }$ hanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I) W# x( R7 t' Q6 t5 ~/ X) R" w0 A
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* X* {; Q! ?9 p9 p l1 C% a1 Y9 a7 Wwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!6 O2 ]7 S C$ }0 a1 ?9 _) ?
) p' M: G$ {: R6 [8 a, `And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
) p: V7 u5 O7 kthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition. Z. E2 K% Q8 _( \+ Z
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
% |, y5 ]; H6 ]2 }5 y. O" q" a, ^% Yor the choir director?
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8 \; o+ [0 M7 a( g5 fSATURDAY:
- s+ Z+ _5 Q' K" a. [- v) A" }! kBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
* y- b" _: @/ mshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
& R0 i) L& H# y7 ^1 omade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the# s, K+ j2 V. v1 q1 o7 y G) I
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& f+ W6 J* A: \$ v+ u$ Z( qhours of the Weather Channel.
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, l" K4 O) _. N' [# U% o9 W8 ~SUNDAY:
( B! u2 j/ d" ` H: u. G, J9 UI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go9 ?1 G4 t5 O) V8 X7 r0 N8 Z2 y
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,! [+ ~3 m0 A& }. b* o: ?2 X
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
: h* i# B; i! }7 u# ^, U* Ma root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
