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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
2 k1 l8 c# q0 Uwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get0 C) V( L. W# o& Q
into a regular workout routine.
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; U0 |' Q0 b) c! j2 NDear Diary:. U, m. |- t0 V
/ L/ M+ A+ D& T3 MFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a5 `0 T' h4 R1 h& O
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I: @. s7 `; v( g+ a7 G4 x/ w& @
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
4 v& h7 u1 v8 e3 oyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a/ w$ l3 ~/ ]9 e9 s; P
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer& a+ ]6 n! k4 f. z4 |, {4 X7 E
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics9 b7 m/ A1 d5 ~ ~
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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3 `8 I' P; Y- F# l/ p& WMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
/ y5 J7 I# e/ n; F7 V3 X/ p3 x! `encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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; \! F: \1 K/ C. _" UMONDAY:
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' R* u x1 ~ P! eStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well" l* z+ I" {! G: e5 |2 ]
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
+ U, m# ?) ?$ s6 fme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing) G: |1 [: {2 y
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!- V) l0 _. U7 _5 \! T; B6 n- N
) z6 ?! d5 M! a" ^* {' v3 V. jShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed: K6 b# I! G" a' ?/ }
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her3 J2 X5 g6 C' R" I2 ?# _* k3 W
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in2 M+ Y. W" |8 ^( q# X
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,+ k6 X1 d, m; |, e0 G
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
: T/ m Y" B. ?was around.( f5 _) M9 D2 f1 V- c. [
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!% }5 V3 {, [9 N' n, C. q+ d
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TUESDAY:
1 P( R& w. N8 y" GI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.2 R7 f5 H+ W ~+ C) j
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
4 T- \& A i9 |: B rand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the$ V5 q/ B: R* i, z
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
7 l+ [3 r1 i" u" z& }all worthwhile.3 ]6 Y0 h9 k# x6 b0 F
2 o+ l2 L4 [8 [ [" {3 R$ ^I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:6 `) i2 v/ A" M. A' ^1 r# P
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on7 I1 z6 _2 P% I% u
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have8 O( n. g- t3 b9 y! ~2 f2 L* j3 [
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to2 {5 W5 [8 L. o! _4 t- u
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
# [) W3 N9 a- A; e2 M8 K9 fbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
' _, i# j# \9 {/ y+ W' O2 Searly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
, `9 _7 a$ e5 S7 f" n: U' X# ethat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
" E5 z. z) p X7 JBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a: I8 Y7 P) }; {, M
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda2 R6 y2 e% N- w) ^
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.6 t; ^, l. s4 T& Z/ t! y# _: j
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She said some other shit too., u- k- @0 h e
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THURSDAY:
# P( t7 x7 M& u) X* NBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as" S! \/ ^& ?, w+ k/ Y
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
) X& d6 Q, Q- J! I7 Ybeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
, P; x2 |- S# m& W5 s$ U% q, Ytook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and) G$ M0 q0 d5 ~0 Z: ^5 M
hid in the men's room.3 N% S1 z% S: Y
d+ ]9 A; g1 ]& ^She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing0 O5 O" k: L0 j4 P3 y
machine -- which I sank." k u( u$ a( A7 j5 r9 x9 z
( g2 P1 [2 B0 _6 l( W2 T/ u% sFRIDAY:
6 c3 c; _# _# X* `I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
6 t8 [ {) g/ P6 n# _8 yany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,& [" n* `$ y$ Z3 G
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I( D# B+ T; ~5 M) C1 O* K2 A
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
4 ?: w7 Q, @ |$ D ~1 Iwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!7 T8 A. j+ q/ d& K6 U7 Q
# n) Z, m+ `2 sAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
, n/ P! _: a- W! G1 R5 B3 Ithe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
: e4 v* i$ ?2 e! ]5 F1 @teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
. H5 {$ C5 s5 |) Sor the choir director?
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& O$ ?5 K2 c6 P# T1 \; v0 C* VSATURDAY:
$ W! {* P2 q( {5 b- X, NBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,, R& J2 [& W' f! `" E( r _
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her! ~$ n* v. G# v. X
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the7 T6 ~7 n$ r$ @7 y
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight1 y5 a2 D2 q9 k+ U% h6 k# B$ Z
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:# u4 L3 ~# X9 h% @/ o: @2 ~ @
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go* ^, r. D7 K0 [# ^; k+ N
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
, p/ z( L/ p$ B9 Kmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like2 R+ r- m; G0 \1 {" O; Q
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
