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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something9 _' s2 V) c7 s1 {0 B) C: |
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
& B: c7 @6 Z5 J' V. Kinto a regular workout routine.; L" `! R, v1 o8 f8 z
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Dear Diary:6 v# F0 ] j# ]) x0 s' ~
; u }0 }2 W% f5 `For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
* e7 L) G. g2 {6 |) ^& Kweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
1 h" P8 [+ T/ a2 w; V$ Cam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 259 |2 i6 a1 m }& O- L N
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a" k) ?5 g) }, D' R2 e6 K: L# a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
( F! [# t/ L7 \1 U. `; P0 s) {named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics+ Q5 R/ e* W9 Z9 U) B3 l8 |
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.! i2 f8 D0 y- N l3 U; W
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
& y2 O6 v% h& ]4 g: ]encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.8 [/ X/ s4 T i/ u, ]
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MONDAY:. e& M6 x) ?' M( c
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
( i, L9 v6 j- Lworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for5 W9 y) c% Z% S9 s3 o. q' J, L$ b
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing' y s- a$ `6 g: x* q
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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, z) E7 K( v4 i9 TShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed1 ^/ \1 X: n% z6 g- z
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
$ s7 @& {& N( N( c+ S7 @" s) h! B) x" Kin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
3 c/ G! R4 ~; i/ `5 G5 Kwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.6 [ v5 o+ y4 C$ }6 A
5 F; J$ ^5 i- m, V0 pVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,. r! v# ~5 |5 Z5 Z
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she% D/ X7 a3 j6 r2 ~5 o! _4 w
was around.6 E$ c+ o+ i7 V
7 i K: j! q( y& l( p c DThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
2 \2 i/ I0 w% k- }I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
9 E, p; D5 d6 _: c; S& U1 |( zBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
7 M r6 E* m0 d8 C( p. Yand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the& n% P7 q- R4 ]% e4 u
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it9 S) P7 I8 I6 {0 p
all worthwhile.0 U3 Q8 y: l& r$ W
( r) H! e8 K# a2 g: F' i0 cI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.* O- `, z. L$ |( r3 q
f8 x u2 _; K/ I$ oWEDNESDAY:/ U# P2 f2 Q0 S) p2 m: P
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on+ q3 g& F& y& z* V) h
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
% P# R0 V! \0 u$ p) `a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
) c# u' K" B2 @/ A: lsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams8 K% X. q7 m6 o; y+ R2 \; l
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for+ z, R( g$ A$ }- Z/ \
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
& n% [0 q' _1 [/ I" ?" P. Sthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
" V" F: P& t/ R8 I* b+ JBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
E6 ` w8 O; i) m Kmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' ]$ t' I0 o ^/ Y$ q1 D8 w, H( i8 |) Ptold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.* G& t% v* b: C% v: {
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THURSDAY:
: a9 o; Z+ f( g* m! yBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as, l7 I" {! B5 `8 s
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help1 D: _. ^8 u b1 X/ q6 N! k
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda& \; C) X# Q2 c e
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and8 }8 d" c0 q/ S' q N
hid in the men's room.
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+ D5 x7 R, p* S: r$ s. ~- ^She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing1 }! E) _# j( {0 _4 d" _
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
R% ?; f0 f$ B$ W$ ]I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated& [" w \' `' `) _1 p( L9 t
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
W k; V/ H* @( b$ }' _anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
& k. {1 E# j9 [! Wcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
7 ~8 I( T) y* b$ s- N5 ywanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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* t7 a5 ^" ]& o* MAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
2 n/ v& \6 E+ l( S2 [6 d6 P, Pthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.* B: M0 t5 \- C8 Y
) Y1 b* ]+ C( c$ Q7 M" eThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
/ S3 R) U! G5 \- g- x7 Rteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach0 U- [& x" }* u1 L; k3 s6 n
or the choir director?- F; |2 r( {; \. \+ Y
5 }0 w7 |: C+ e0 P0 r% TSATURDAY:/ p5 ~8 S$ ~ F% `
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
2 M' D3 q7 n, A% P8 W* @shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
. |9 `6 p8 O/ }# Y9 Z! Q' Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the* ~) l/ g u6 m" U$ O! ]2 C! x/ S
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
+ R! l: q0 p8 F1 M7 Nhours of the Weather Channel.2 I; A# o1 w1 }) {( {
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SUNDAY:7 W9 c7 F9 U* O0 x; m' f! ?
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go% ]# g* y- p3 d, f+ A' ]6 t& _
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,4 m4 y9 O* R% @" _/ x4 U
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
- ^' ^: S8 j: c) Y/ na root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
