WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:

( x. Q: Q7 Q- X: x, W7 qFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
" U! r+ A6 D# ]1 E# Utry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
& K: z& t. k" R. [6 }named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
/ m) w, a  R2 q7 y, uinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
7 n5 ^  }+ J: T( B$ J. @* D$ o6 Cencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
% X7 }. G* A% m! [' Ieyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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  M. E; H& m6 z0 }7 SShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
0 ]1 O+ Q( G! Y1 z- vthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
4 f% O) b8 p6 r; p6 b) Bin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
3 w$ W, d) C. C: [/ [' |* Fwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

0 L1 t' h) s* y- Z+ B' XVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

: e, o$ X) h& P* j/ O* D, j5 l( WThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
/ [4 {7 t' c; S5 `0 L& l; wand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
- M3 y& J7 G7 f- o) e/ mall worthwhile.

7 v+ A  }/ @' l0 n; M3 p! lI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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! X% C* A: z, K! {WEDNESDAY:
' x( K" b+ n. o7 i0 z1 LThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ p3 j6 x0 T: O2 r0 i; Ya hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
$ K3 l2 @4 i* e' V+ d, q+ m: d: \steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
  i. D  T2 N/ g$ D. Oearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
3 J* R0 B3 t% J5 q& @6 Z4 o% bmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

; Z  H0 i3 {' f: m% M) R4 g2 ~; ~4 eTHURSDAY:
* S+ [1 r3 ~% D, NBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
( q0 [# @+ z( _/ Phid in the men's room.
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' ?: ?' E" ]0 }* P3 fShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
$ H& x$ T0 [  D+ q2 w! F6 ]$ fany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
: f  }, Z7 Q4 ?2 K2 ?0 r7 mcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
! Q; S4 S( k0 `wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
' x7 N2 X4 ^5 _the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
1 l5 [5 Q; I  Q& Pteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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9 R8 C( M8 H, v6 _3 P8 sSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
. c' R: |* x3 ~: ?& yshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
4 g, \' c2 f$ \  d' wmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
: n& j- |3 R# u# _0 {* D/ Land thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
! L, k- ^1 C: ^1 Omy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.