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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
! Z. C$ V* L. O: L3 n- |: Pwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get$ j, J% V* m& ?0 D# x% W
into a regular workout routine.- g9 \9 ~0 F/ Y6 ^. V8 i
4 t2 q9 g: ?5 N- i: Y/ Q3 Y" }- BDear Diary:
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. L+ W! u3 K& W" {/ q; y) s$ }For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
3 J" c% `, v) \/ K+ @* fweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I" k3 `) [# }# v
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
# r* @- t* X2 f+ c7 l* ^years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
- A" ~" `% H( ]: u( ftry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer. j4 U' f. }1 ^0 T
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics( E$ I' d' q v( \! U
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear./ ^" _+ N2 g$ R1 R
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
! e7 g" h2 ~) hencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:* M& U) x, ?" C
" Q3 x5 Q {- a. b) m9 x9 tStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well0 D! t% d0 Z! M( {9 V
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for+ p& q7 u4 [ ]& J4 e# E$ E0 |
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing$ R! \/ E: E7 D! c8 j) d
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!; U# q5 n% X- Z* m. e
& p. ~; l, l% M" }# fShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed3 C& R& s) V; a& Z$ B* d# `
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
: @( Y" n; Y& x4 D" S* @" p. Vin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
4 t( I1 }/ ~& Y1 Xwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.6 J& y, Q* L% j- N( l# \
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,. t! G: T* u, v* x0 t
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
0 ]7 h6 B$ w) g \" R; b" |was around.9 V0 d A2 s& r" k6 @
2 ?7 O) v( h& x' O' k: A( n, Q9 pThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 |. b2 |. ^( N5 r
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TUESDAY:1 t% x/ x) T- e& m
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.7 o2 p* ^5 V% X% u- P! `
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,$ n/ Y' v6 v( J- _9 N' v1 |' F. ]; U
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
z, ?. _6 d' f6 h* G ltreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
) W2 r- |3 W0 n; Uall worthwhile.4 {8 z. D6 l- L! k
2 H! q2 D; a, A0 e% \6 }) ~I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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7 [' _6 `" Z! @$ ~WEDNESDAY:
* B) d/ A2 W: ^$ b! m' tThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
9 M7 b* q) O1 O6 Uthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have8 q2 U; [" }& K* `9 q p
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to9 V, ?% C; o3 }! E! b- J$ U
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams9 h* z% A0 D2 G/ }$ m0 t
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for, W) z1 _, T$ t; m. O
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine" d o* Y8 o/ r$ f S
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so, _& }6 ?6 z9 n, [8 J
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
! t- d3 T1 z/ H: P. p) ~. K7 K/ S. Cmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
0 ^5 W q! F/ ?told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.$ y8 u/ P2 m- Z! S; U0 H u$ \
[) Z6 d" J' w5 q8 o+ cTHURSDAY:9 W/ y& x) @3 ]# U A$ B
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as" U* R6 m' O) Y& c6 t0 g0 ~
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
5 V* d I! S* |; h8 b! t. E( d- `being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; \5 L, R+ l5 j* htook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
$ B$ j+ V7 y9 P. k- Chid in the men's room.( K- t9 f" h" N- s, ^) O* ]& Q
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing1 B4 B9 I% V: y" @: @' W# ]
machine -- which I sank.. p' }: o* K F: a
4 B, c3 H* i6 G9 b3 f4 F- M8 w, {FRIDAY:
3 n- r9 `! s: G4 ?I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated8 J" s( S' m- M, b; n
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,: \" m* ^7 o6 S4 ~
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I! H5 X) \$ r. I" m
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* C. t% w# N) {8 }4 k- u4 b4 E% cwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!$ T6 ~9 Y! r. u% W" o$ ^" y$ W
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me) Q. g7 b, [7 o' L0 [+ D
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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; T: D" t% y3 [The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
; N& L" J. Y' kteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach2 y2 Z' @# t1 i. x: d& u
or the choir director?* q4 s- @ T0 I2 G
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SATURDAY:* X1 c" g% E. v/ E8 o
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
7 V4 i/ r6 M: A& F5 @shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
8 P2 t+ }' M8 L. K8 R7 Smade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the) P$ R q8 q* k
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight" e- ^6 r1 ^- c e! F
hours of the Weather Channel. }( X' K4 k) P$ |: R) {0 b
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SUNDAY:1 q# e1 V8 I9 `* Q n
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go: C/ r1 n+ Z8 J2 Q1 x
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,9 V9 w, Z) N2 L8 Q, K: m' y# a
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
/ d5 O% q; } B9 \a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
