WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
) i* i# b  }3 r$ D7 Y  g, k( Lwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
; T& s% N2 t8 `5 d+ E* ?/ nweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
0 X2 O" Q, \' O6 v* f1 u' T4 l1 xtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
! Z  b6 k9 _( E- u$ d4 Linstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
7 B& A9 G2 }1 C* L! p8 aencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

/ Y2 x6 k4 v6 p& sMONDAY:
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2 u+ @$ M- }& rStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
4 j) ?/ L4 l2 g' M1 h7 ]worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
. e& B, \- t6 s6 L$ A* Rthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
" q2 ]% O9 I3 l  |2 K7 P3 F) Hin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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3 A# {# H+ \' l( t: wVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
' m* m+ T/ j+ ]" s/ Pwas around.
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/ u- k$ D7 G& \4 ~; }. [" z+ fThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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: m9 i8 v% ]1 L5 QTUESDAY:
7 `, H) k: X" D! [. pI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 A. b0 _3 E- }* kBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
3 G2 z$ J* ^1 G% I0 K% ?treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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/ P  e9 R4 k& Z0 g: z" ~3 z/ pI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
; s; J; D- j; V2 p5 ea hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
. ]- U# t5 k5 S' g' ^. D: Cearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
4 y! }+ c! s5 y* T6 l/ O; athat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
, K1 w# }0 R" t% g' E, oBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.

. l1 ^0 T, _0 ?* C) QTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
* Q3 t+ W) y6 \  S1 b  q5 M% l9 wher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 D4 q; \4 O* K8 E4 Rbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
4 V" {& u0 {! o+ J. t% ?1 i* k" Ihid in the men's room.

* U6 S; D7 O6 ~She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
$ V+ u3 A' Q. Q& K+ \" Nmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
! j* ~6 b; m6 ?; \! r- b5 t+ k# mI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
- \* n+ N6 l2 O. J9 v' Wany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 k+ u2 X- ~8 q9 H7 k0 f/ Oanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
$ D" `4 x" @: D: i' f2 Hcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

3 h4 r2 Q' W0 @* [1 XAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
2 V3 T) S3 `( j3 Uthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
+ s* D7 @5 [& `- n
: a9 D2 L/ u# y  RThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
4 ?6 v# F1 z- s" F# m) Yor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
2 ]3 [. ^- p' D) a* \2 Z+ ]$ tBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ Z* u& g0 H2 J8 i6 V9 w7 Kstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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+ }2 U3 I$ X# x9 R7 SSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
  H& y+ E- Z9 D: r; A% W; kmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.