WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
7 s. f2 J9 a0 s1 {3 |wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
; g+ ^/ J3 u& ainto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
8 s/ [7 q' f5 O. a0 S$ c) pweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
. ?7 z. q" c& H3 @) G1 F, wyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
  J% u, Y& @& V  _instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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# s5 l) c2 R. h( aMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
, J8 W( k0 j0 c+ m, O0 m0 [encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

. z- i/ C8 }5 F5 oMONDAY:
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9 O% g+ y6 y# V( DStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
- W# p. |% r, v. n5 U( C2 Xworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
# M: |# e4 e. v' {eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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- p6 L' o. Q* L+ c  rShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
3 _5 q% }4 K8 ?$ i9 Fwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
0 g; O4 k; p7 U3 k0 _although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
( T5 j2 o! l- h2 I* }; G3 Fwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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9 o( m5 n! o& j0 N# OTUESDAY:
) x2 p) n! l# {& t* p; `7 A7 |" \I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
( L! _6 D' h: }  g0 `/ v7 _' mBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
$ O' T. L$ o; n0 N/ \6 Uand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
& Z. E1 H$ S! a& W3 z: N7 U- L$ l/ vall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
  q# [/ U; N9 R  B0 v7 J# Jthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
7 j5 X, ^1 N- t2 d# ja hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
5 h3 m5 P2 p; W& W- @4 h! Fsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
7 B6 n) W, I, a5 @4 Aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
1 U+ W0 F' O+ L& ~+ H, Cthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
5 Q+ a! x4 Y, |9 s; l# C" BBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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2 u: F+ c. Q7 ]- `. z5 E5 aShe said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
- }1 ?& b( D* ]+ C7 h: b* S8 vBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
' V, ]9 G: v- vher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
' v; s) T, e& w! f/ |; c8 Zbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
$ |& j, j- l9 O1 s! _took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
& n2 w" O$ q3 O9 }hid in the men's room.
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! [: `' Y. ]3 FShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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' ^$ `: ?1 Y" v! S  A+ a3 wFRIDAY:
( V/ p  Y7 g  pI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
! _( \0 M& m. A; j6 B' o6 e# e3 U. Eany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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" e, O7 B/ a1 ?; hAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

" h# c( X/ X# F4 R9 z$ JThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 ]  F" [/ [+ L+ j  P5 h( S/ gteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
, {: q, o  v0 }6 }; nshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
  t0 K6 b( s2 Y, nmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& Q; F' i+ K4 w  H0 {hours of the Weather Channel.
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. G1 u+ N# H, jSUNDAY:
2 u" r- W  \( k1 N% D6 ^0 FI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
% U, y/ l' J! w* G, K3 {& t0 Emy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.