WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
# S  ]* p* z$ y$ [9 l9 L9 uinto a regular workout routine.

/ b7 t8 Q1 }, @$ i! O- \Dear Diary:
# j) Z0 E' m7 q& |" }( `& D2 H
# c: Z; P: H) @; ^5 b) C; LFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
& }7 F4 h  e& T$ l' T/ Q3 V7 z9 Z) }am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
9 b' y8 b7 f3 B4 Nyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
3 b$ a5 ^3 _: T5 }$ X" jtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
; |! ]( O9 d0 `9 qnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
* S; x/ [1 {- T4 dinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

1 E* I& [5 R0 s  l! a! I6 G8 K9 R1 sMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
( b' d# Y. f3 g# Vencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
5 g! l% i2 R  Z5 ?- E4 L; B! E
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
( z) x" Y7 P- {2 _0 V5 ?: Ome. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
! L0 u, q& ^2 t% ueyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
- ^6 L8 F- s5 |$ X& _7 N) Z0 q
1 O3 [2 u" `+ `! `7 Z1 {She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
: L- m& c. P7 Y, s) D# d/ Iin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
7 R) ~8 |/ ]/ v! ]) x7 N# }which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
" ^7 [7 ^7 j8 [9 u; k+ Palthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
9 }+ m/ s2 s) U- J4 dwas around.
1 q0 i6 f: `4 Y* M
" J) _: X4 ^6 J9 y! w4 |This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
% a" W2 l+ T, T2 X) u
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
2 X* r( J% E$ H0 X! i- ctreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
, i0 d, k3 C  K9 ?% _all worthwhile.

! Q  t6 z9 F2 jI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

8 L7 J1 V' z2 x% {7 lWEDNESDAY:
7 u) w+ q: c9 u8 l5 jThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
/ R' t& ?  x2 V$ m! w' g+ @steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
  B  L2 N# S% j9 E8 |6 y8 i  tbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
3 z6 \3 @+ A$ f& \. nearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
; |; p! W" n  l# O! [% mthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
0 u6 w9 H% O- d, o2 O+ T: k& n1 i8 i
/ @/ Y3 \8 U# `, PShe said some other shit too.
* Z+ O4 c1 ~8 j  V
# Z2 E0 Y% S+ p! \4 n4 GTHURSDAY:
7 A+ o; Y! M/ T: b2 QBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
! |- p% i1 h  ]8 H$ {% nbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
' l# S5 X4 z$ K6 G+ b; y7 b: Thid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
4 p! s1 r6 u4 O# W1 I8 P
* @( H' y4 Y# K( |1 d( oFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
$ }' f  C" ~4 o( N3 L0 ?# z! fany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
$ T& N! w; f1 G2 U/ qanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
1 M2 D* y5 ]4 i2 v# r; V- q/ t1 tcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
' O2 X/ F4 V$ C  G0 T
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
5 D( w* e& C7 S0 ]* G2 ^the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
( q1 v8 H. o1 K- }or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
" q) m% l" Q% o( b6 {% GBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
' v& {2 }$ I1 m6 ~strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
: c  o! l- v' p+ i5 ^( s3 ahours of the Weather Channel.
) U" b( O$ j0 {# i
$ U# B8 ]; i* ?7 eSUNDAY:
3 H, J% G, |% w  S. i: Z' u* M) NI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
8 L' |! _  G/ K: B4 ^my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
* T( C; y8 T) @+ x4 u1 N# ba root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.