WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
8 E; D) {% E2 V1 w; Kwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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% s! T7 Z% k9 ]  O7 _1 R# X* RDear Diary:

: f$ r& {8 K! P+ e# L/ tFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
  w/ j, N6 C" t7 M/ qweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
5 l7 Q# a* F+ N8 F- yam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
5 |3 W5 v5 w/ `0 ?* Htry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
5 }* I9 x* i$ {) k; k. Ainstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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1 A; y# f& \4 S9 ], D' ~; rMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
( D4 ]2 W6 s1 l. Kencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

& b9 \  c; @7 P: L+ j% W) IStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
& L: M. u) g0 Q/ pworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
8 x$ u6 M2 P/ J6 H6 s9 K" D' Vme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
: y8 B. Q/ b+ @4 ~eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
) k, F! e2 Y5 a6 o( k* zthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
3 `. m, X' j' m; @) W0 L) C- Gin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
7 \0 V9 k) M# }. R7 d! swhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
6 q& t1 p6 O3 l% p/ P6 H
- A% g9 @  S( l. |6 T% hVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
3 h! t3 t, N/ g$ H" c/ r# g8 s2 G. calthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
. m+ R1 i) }3 wwas around.
4 k+ U/ W1 t* F
4 I% M& c5 `# o2 G- s# K* [/ wThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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# C' F  ~1 Y. S9 I7 t9 ~% A  cTUESDAY:
7 V) R. ]7 j+ k0 e9 u( _I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
' A( ?5 l$ `/ X1 h7 D% YBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 _5 Y, c; ~- hand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
0 ^" e. p9 Y; A$ s+ I3 {5 PThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
" i* O6 l/ a9 Q, c; xthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
6 J, ?7 W8 Z. ^+ Xa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
% R  C$ h- A9 a: Rsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
: d" z" L; s- @bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
3 }5 k9 O. Z4 u2 o( yearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
; n0 ?3 W% n0 X$ K5 Ytold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

# |& H( {$ t0 d/ \1 F, PShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
6 l# N5 q5 U8 K" i# eBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 R& I: m5 {* p" |  Ybeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
1 B" T$ m$ E8 U# Fhid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
$ i/ L  d* t4 s2 M+ G$ }2 G) AI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
& Z* Q( ?. J! i/ @9 Tanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
2 t7 M; K4 }* x, i* pcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
& N( `. l; D/ {$ F% \; Gwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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7 {5 ~: B$ _* e  f6 l2 P  c& d- HThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
" ^7 N( N" _3 lteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
# f* q9 r1 E# A5 U% `made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
; `( U0 E4 U5 w7 ?4 Ostrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
8 u- O& l( u) W+ R: `' ehours of the Weather Channel.

% j8 x3 M4 T6 b& ?. j6 mSUNDAY:
0 e+ E- z5 a3 T: X( S% V$ nI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
- Q/ H) j& r6 x! N5 L& fand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
4 A+ G' w5 m; c/ ]my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.