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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something2 o# G4 P: {$ `
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get3 N5 ]4 Q) W8 Q3 X* B* j8 j
into a regular workout routine.& @. p d$ G2 r7 @; U/ h7 T
0 \" a F# W8 u3 M4 F; L/ l1 ~) Q8 v! aDear Diary:
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+ s7 q2 J) }* Y$ rFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
! F1 E5 Y* I- p- o# Y. ~% qweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I+ A9 B$ l8 h! O$ l7 \& B! ]
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
x- Z$ P% e! g; Vyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a4 }+ _+ Z% v9 `3 D4 W) Y
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer$ e- I; f" @/ e8 B! i
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics& ~; I2 c+ s. o4 m2 K; ^5 g0 b
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.) k: f: M0 P( v3 X# V
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club0 y4 E' ^! V' |
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.7 { j6 K- U/ f+ ], y3 t; g
8 P4 }. w$ h2 _% ~6 }. |. S; hMONDAY:0 j9 r" c5 Y3 M; M3 X7 q
\& ~3 e- I: MStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well: C% k, M' F. ~1 c! s
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for$ [# y- m7 n$ i1 r' Y% j8 x
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing( e+ F' E4 M* O) M0 l# e. }# K/ f! W
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed3 t& _) [2 B: E0 _' }/ F$ |
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
6 W& O7 z/ g! F) e: x+ h% x- ]in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in9 P2 Q( ]; S% H1 |$ u; `
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.5 ?% E2 \, C/ I/ R5 f
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,! P; T5 h9 W4 k& v2 R% N( t3 V* x
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she D) F0 K4 e6 |) Z
was around." N, o7 M% C: R0 s0 B. w2 X0 b
+ ^2 p5 k+ T7 p) d3 g# [' x
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
0 N0 D: [& z) mI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.2 Z% V2 J8 y/ a" d
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
5 ]% @8 f0 Q, ?2 e/ nand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
$ x8 L) U7 M5 gtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
. P& M {! h1 f; \# eall worthwhile.
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0 j- }/ P9 C% i% U' sI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.: a! l8 L' [% I( a4 ~" C
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WEDNESDAY:
4 b9 H- K: G' Y$ f) }7 \The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
$ S* T7 Q0 [3 j3 `5 cthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have$ v" ^( `* U }4 S3 r
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to8 B% N* P( \' R b& f
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
+ j# Y" a6 l4 qbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
& j7 l% d9 ~2 t$ Cearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine# b1 f8 D! ]) W$ E( E
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
$ O- g I! y/ V* SBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a; E$ k. W# M4 H: h& Y
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda6 ~4 I; I7 Z; \- j, w
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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+ F9 o! _% H0 x6 D" oShe said some other shit too.
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. s( i( u2 Y1 w( W* ?0 WTHURSDAY:
+ c: r' r) x* z1 B5 u# Z2 aBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
" p5 Y9 \: t5 M5 B: U; cher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help# N/ B- b2 V+ N" p0 I5 {$ k) ?
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; n: T1 ?0 z4 I$ N4 v4 ~5 Q" s* D. [2 Ftook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and2 L) X# w0 h3 w6 T- @& `: ?# E
hid in the men's room.. |* j4 D; P" {+ F& S
) G' E3 Y d g& w4 [" S) uShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing" v% v! R* h4 Z6 `# c2 ~ H
machine -- which I sank.
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+ G8 l/ Z2 Y1 f' s$ h, u" OFRIDAY:, W+ p5 J& H3 v9 }: y
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated* o, b: {1 D F: m0 |
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
- o! G0 ?. P+ Y8 g1 X& \anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I/ B0 p4 ?, |" m, B$ v: `
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
+ H: h) s2 Z/ R4 P% Ywanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!) c$ P6 c2 @$ W; t$ L+ }
9 i0 c% Y5 M) Y, d' iAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me4 ?5 X8 r$ N+ F |5 [ Z! j( y
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.+ z/ i( P2 J% `) c; k' b, w+ V
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition6 W; Q& K1 S v. g( ^" M
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
! N/ f3 W7 o5 ]+ D# j/ J. e! ?or the choir director?1 ~1 |* [8 g7 f) z, O6 Y; [
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SATURDAY:
4 l7 a4 C7 e- u$ g: h6 H. DBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,% e% v( q0 ]& e+ i( p
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her! c* T; C3 {: {2 W
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the$ u$ ]8 Q+ p0 Z2 M$ t/ k
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight& I, f4 q. N! J" E6 n W
hours of the Weather Channel.
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" {4 v* g+ F, [. w7 v" dSUNDAY:) U& r/ J# L7 t) q7 }+ r+ B4 H
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
; k8 F# g6 O4 f8 band thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
4 U& N$ U6 d$ u. R* a8 H! x* o! x+ Tmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
+ g0 D, P7 l9 q% p1 da root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
