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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something" j7 A- D9 t9 l4 w7 t Y3 W
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get& S6 M2 t: }2 M3 w* b- y3 ]# B% A
into a regular workout routine.
6 f3 e/ H; e; `/ ~% w2 E7 ]( r, K6 I1 U
Dear Diary:$ g. @4 {- [5 R2 p6 W* T( o
6 u" f6 B: s( TFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a/ ~. R, V. ?$ B' H" P. n( E
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I& o/ l( G8 K1 D! d% {$ e
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25+ y3 Y' y- d4 L1 Z
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
$ T( l0 n" y) U+ o+ a- Ytry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
; U6 h, w) U4 h2 X- ]named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics& T+ d. f$ O0 d# p- ]
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.5 i6 f! W0 s$ E! f* m& h) N, ~
8 j/ N( r1 ?1 h' d8 EMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
6 h+ a) O7 k( Oencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.* `9 p+ ~2 b1 w' Q
7 S' f% V1 I$ _/ NMONDAY:. [- T) v' J8 Z9 c
% Y8 e* `. N/ W: B# C2 ~Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
( z u0 ]( J7 I, o p% |5 B( @% w) \4 Cworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for" S8 c* U' L+ E: M; T
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
1 ]) Q" S& L; k: e, veyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!; q% Z' `* j6 K& Y3 R
+ K9 }1 [& \7 e6 p& o- g3 O5 H
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
( L2 {' e# Y: s S8 c* Lthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her2 j O) o9 N1 d# C" ]
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
`6 o. E% v) Pwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today." @4 w2 F9 E8 A3 I" X' l5 \
# j) F4 A) T6 c/ t$ r% bVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
8 x& \+ ?9 b+ I: Z. U% yalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
5 }+ I5 b8 y5 l8 K0 O mwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!# r' H# ~8 P6 c
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TUESDAY:
& \+ u6 f+ I9 U( S% F ]I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
# i' A% [- O# ~( |7 bBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,1 ~- x. U& b% x- Y2 ?
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the) q6 w- a) X/ J; Q9 M' @
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
6 D& X2 y& r+ c! o+ lall worthwhile.4 f: ?4 C% W1 [- L1 G+ j' O7 \
8 p% d# K8 H$ g, Q, ~. p: W8 N& A
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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" F. u6 v' S; h# S7 ^- DWEDNESDAY:4 J* U. b' k- a2 |2 @$ G) M) }
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- R+ m ]- j) d$ j# R9 s: C8 `) mthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
* ?8 ?8 B4 A) f; ia hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
, |5 G8 x) m- q- L0 G$ j7 j' U* x9 Ssteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
" b3 q% m( X$ i/ V0 t' Q) K/ rbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for0 x0 t e. _, c8 p! M1 H- W
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine2 S' B9 N: \0 ~) |* `, [6 z1 @5 ~
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so& t; O! S k! L+ p" ~4 [4 ~
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a( K/ H- F; e3 ^
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
5 n: U7 s: Z9 u& qtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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/ d' ^* i' l; J: g( B: C0 lTHURSDAY:
# d6 v0 l6 |3 d) }/ Y' CBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
3 A( R# s7 J* ?' xher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 l& T7 a8 {# w7 A' y# |being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda0 `3 F V& q7 a. C
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and% x/ ?& ?, X- d, A- k6 R @: c
hid in the men's room.. V% X1 o( U: O* _# h
3 P8 c9 o8 Y7 _ D$ QShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! R# v3 w9 M$ k! r# q& nmachine -- which I sank.
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1 E/ G5 N. t, s- _+ g; l5 G5 RFRIDAY:3 I0 B0 }7 ?6 _" p9 k
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated+ Y( y/ L3 P! _4 m. U
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
2 d6 Y1 C$ J( P6 Tanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I1 F$ P) X$ u2 ^$ t. e+ o
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
9 T4 }( }9 `% w: owanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!+ K$ \1 v) b" s% \$ \
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me1 `9 j r$ g( y* X8 i
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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. ]. ], P8 e) ~( ^! QThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition$ e0 r3 J' O& k: }( @
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach# l) V6 q0 K) f- \3 c( f. |
or the choir director?/ @4 H2 }. x+ R
' c9 f, C( x# H/ a0 B& jSATURDAY:
& j2 m8 r$ w( U! Z) W0 n1 v& HBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
8 ` z: P& z6 T5 B9 mshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her1 T. A U, R- }1 P5 {5 ?
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
6 T. I1 x' I- ostrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
' m e: D# r' q. S) E( ]5 Vhours of the Weather Channel.+ ~. ^1 S: \" W9 k1 j
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SUNDAY:
& T5 y8 e7 l8 c4 G' D" iI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
: G2 X4 y, d, M, [; g: q6 Hand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
3 X4 ]9 j: i# D; i: a3 q& X8 dmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
7 X9 t. n s- l% s/ _' R: p5 L. ca root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
