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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
! s, E8 s/ h0 L* @wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get1 |7 m" r# S% ?9 Y2 z8 n
into a regular workout routine.% e1 h( E2 I8 w6 }
V, A' {3 i/ `6 B$ [: P
Dear Diary:+ ]) Q: v( J6 J% B l: p
& @! u3 F5 O. {$ g" vFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
; G6 U }: a. B9 | [# E: G$ iweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I4 N8 {4 Y" {* Z$ N2 [" J. v v
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
& a& S2 R3 J& W/ j5 _2 Ryears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a( C( n$ p' J W/ s5 ?
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
# ~7 J, T% J b- ~named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
3 p+ o1 t0 ?4 a8 K: @- ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.& [4 u6 Z, p( q# U7 P. D
& a& p" n. m, Q' rMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club6 s6 l* i; i) I% q# I
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.0 n- u" ?6 s/ t3 {: g
/ X* A5 k- D" c# {" ?MONDAY:; N6 J+ b! `/ s1 p% r
5 z9 E: m$ [/ t: |0 L' YStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
* B6 f6 j' k8 Y' R5 Wworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
! f8 y8 L2 ?7 _4 l; c/ Yme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
+ l$ t4 `- y5 J6 Seyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!9 H& v T- d3 Z& K' }: m
$ k- n; Z- s8 x7 Q+ D& x
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
# C C( f2 m- M) S& e5 Rthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
, k2 s7 U* f; F, z' Q) W2 ~in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 G, N. |! I+ G* s2 V0 E- Dwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.. J6 |1 I/ R( @# ?* L
/ U9 N7 _! d3 aVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
& g- U, n2 S" R$ C7 L- Kalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
4 Y6 g- B, T3 e# hwas around.
- J p& N. c9 z/ |9 l$ u/ U# c& b* I! Y' Z' T
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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6 V! l& S2 p' N0 xTUESDAY:
* o5 \9 ^7 u3 GI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
! b9 T, M' o% b- p- |" ]Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,% s$ k6 s( E5 N U4 B) ~) ?% q' k
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
: z& l* }2 [. |treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
# h! ]- ]2 R2 @! o( Rall worthwhile., d% d6 B4 @! N2 j7 s
" e- F( X% G+ aI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.1 D: R0 T* j' t- B
, K% U5 c& E7 a P
WEDNESDAY:
9 ]& Z/ Y' B% `- Q5 V8 }The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
$ |* ~2 d# X/ G* Wthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have2 Y1 z7 `5 }' L7 O9 J
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to2 U+ j- H; ]; F) ]1 m1 O6 ?$ H: O
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
: @ T* o) A0 ]( b' Z2 kbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for3 T% O4 ?0 o9 K; m/ Z6 c2 h" W2 R
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine8 b% D7 ?& W) t8 [1 F6 X$ z A
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so4 W: X1 O2 Y7 J; k
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
% S+ C3 Z) s1 j# `6 G8 hmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
) I' _* N2 v) A- E& Z. X5 J9 F/ Ftold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
' F( t. v! d& Z* B2 z% e: W% d: H) t
She said some other shit too." P% r# P) t4 u& |
7 S, j* q- O) }4 r9 ^& z* @) Z
THURSDAY:) x$ F- s/ S+ L3 O
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as1 B% T z& @+ z5 K( j
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
. Z2 k/ f$ b/ M! p1 g8 c5 ~being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
! H0 q: I: M3 m0 N; O& Z; k3 Mtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and! J9 p) b1 W9 J- `& m
hid in the men's room.
% q, K! i$ C1 A3 H
[) s1 Y. g+ {+ g6 c# h# h1 yShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing4 o" U4 e7 Y E2 I D& z5 w/ O
machine -- which I sank. W8 p* c1 U: ?4 P. a, Y
9 j) }+ s+ O5 Y4 k JFRIDAY:) y. M* O' p- c; I: M- K: `8 P
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated* ~% w" }4 A& v$ b
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
7 V, Z1 Y6 D! G( a9 `7 banemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I8 e: N/ s$ O% q2 a# X" e
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
" I' M( w8 `" [' Twanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!9 L" W# j: y& X9 x G" j* u: c
% n" B' {, Q, [+ C: L* YAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
. Z" Q- h# _7 x o2 y6 K. W4 qthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich., r/ X3 M1 O8 r; K+ n- \) U
3 Q/ z1 {. C( L2 ] m! l! y5 z
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
& m8 K" ~% c$ E! j- C8 Jteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach( d0 F3 ]4 ^6 c9 \+ J
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:$ p0 v- D4 b/ g7 t E7 D! m
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,3 ?" K) U) g$ ]; ?/ i
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
( H" e5 X. I2 X, ?4 x% Rmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the! o, q" [; x h2 Z) p W
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
% F4 B$ u& \) ^2 ahours of the Weather Channel.8 D) W- r3 f! G( m+ z
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SUNDAY:
$ _, G+ R1 c( c! j$ _I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
5 ?4 Y7 V' y3 Z5 g" yand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
5 @1 c9 [& T8 M3 \my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
: X5 q4 W" h5 L" da root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
