WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

' v4 r2 d: D; p$ jDear Diary:

; q& }5 {! T% qFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
& Q- [$ T) ^% zweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
2 U" X: w  P8 C( k9 Xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
5 P: V& E/ ~9 h5 v: Kyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
, X; E+ M( F1 D; T! @4 z% Utry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
9 k) \( c0 G" x7 ~8 ~8 Z6 b* V% hinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
1 R* F  V* t, E" O$ l& `encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

- D: _0 s8 W+ z0 zMONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
9 S4 O8 j4 u2 W3 x# Q% X& ^3 g! r3 Y  Nme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
4 w. V6 }$ R) a  Beyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

; l' i& Y& S0 [- V* W1 v0 CShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

' r9 N8 o# f3 w# |7 \' t& y  `Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
5 y9 n2 L3 ~3 d5 U0 j5 C* y( }although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
; f$ ~/ E6 V' M9 m, W! Kwas around.
& [4 I& ~8 J* W+ W( x
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
+ L: Q& B+ f, E+ O. iBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
/ _8 N$ H4 m$ f( Fall worthwhile.
) M+ q4 ?* g9 O; x; w0 `; W
$ Z# V' }$ u% EI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
2 v1 Q; F: x  \7 n! [% ~
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
- }8 t3 d; U3 h2 }$ P  B4 ?1 B! Csteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
, Z- S& C4 L$ G4 O3 i. `) \bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
% N5 o8 W8 @- o# pearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
$ S/ Q2 Z' C$ I; t1 BBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
# E- w4 A( Z9 M& x2 dmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
7 b' ?0 M# X4 o% o+ \; B
' G6 f0 j4 |/ f! l1 ?5 P* NShe said some other shit too.

: _# e( z1 \; c1 X! J1 T4 OTHURSDAY:
& v8 {2 g/ U, [/ s: h( tBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
5 N# k- {6 ^6 A6 D8 Oher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
& m9 J; c6 m( Z) X( Jbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
* [2 I9 c! H2 K' [; ^: u( q; }* itook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
( ]+ p) z' W& Q" ]) _hid in the men's room.
# o& u$ }1 {& Q& L3 O: l7 ^2 S
3 S% v" i4 k/ p) {She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ L/ z4 Y# K+ s, r! ?anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
# R/ W( B3 J8 W9 S$ icould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
4 n. |- j( g: R; v, D4 W( g, P: p5 [the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
/ w2 @, X% c0 x) J' u
- k9 w  l6 x6 C7 m4 ~) }( ]The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
. L: p# d5 u, ?  s
+ u4 h3 d- q# J, j' Y) V+ LSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
% d  ?$ e. I# R) Vshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
$ \: L& Q" [8 r6 U3 `* ~$ gmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
! S! G+ ^& z, \* shours of the Weather Channel.
9 m0 f/ t4 ]( s
SUNDAY:
1 b1 e! O2 E7 P0 l8 Y3 mI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
; n) `1 T3 j4 R. I9 E2 A/ k" mmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.