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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
$ f3 W( I! s1 G' rwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
4 [" \8 I9 b4 J0 b3 w/ Hinto a regular workout routine.: P3 j( } N* u9 `
( i N2 o& j. B0 C+ Z) MDear Diary:
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( d6 I: u$ a' Y% lFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
6 }- @! P8 k+ ]' W$ w) jweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- ]. S; i* C7 r/ i8 Vam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
: x* u; [* i4 y Lyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
! v( Q% ^( H0 ctry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer) U2 o8 U; l4 A1 n& g% [6 y
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
0 W3 D$ K2 x! w5 g2 Kinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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7 a0 V/ ^+ k/ A* |5 D, I% xMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
) S8 D% v/ f/ i9 d6 g4 F7 gencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.$ s, _5 `) d$ z# r3 C' I3 o
X9 N H6 C% PMONDAY:
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3 s- F2 j. Q" q% XStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
) N0 H: J$ o+ J4 \" A3 Y% F, Dworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for- `* r6 t; z* G
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
) r3 S" U$ ^9 K L% heyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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+ f4 ]' I( w6 i* T7 HShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed# Z7 s! I4 ?7 a7 Z+ b' M# Z
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her0 ?4 j) `: }7 I, I
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
" V7 |" g3 z- a0 twhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today., M2 r; P0 H- i8 Z2 p, g" v' V
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,% u" ?7 K7 R6 d0 L$ e8 n+ D3 t
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she O. ^0 U7 b: w t7 g! Z2 W
was around.% j+ ^* r4 q6 C/ w* J0 B$ g/ p
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:# A1 y* `+ ]9 P$ q/ u
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
+ |4 R2 ]+ S8 {, O7 l9 h2 b/ `Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,/ V& \# h- L7 u8 s3 T4 C/ U+ W
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
; `4 |* y. H+ M( L1 gtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it- I: a% [/ ? |/ t2 `
all worthwhile.
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; l9 k) q7 |: KI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.* f' R2 b* H* X/ V/ r" Z
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WEDNESDAY:
: u8 g6 c& V" }3 j0 D% \ q1 vThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
( @1 J* z R i# Othe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have$ [0 B) f) t5 M; g5 [
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to2 g' h2 _0 B& u6 l1 r
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams3 D6 _6 Y: ^3 k& T' Y R' A3 i. t
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for6 t4 T# Z* \$ ?, {% I
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine5 w/ `: ^* H$ h2 k$ p: p
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
+ f, o, `# y: w& I; R, ?Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
" M5 ?8 M6 g+ k1 p3 f, M( _machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
Z/ h6 x( l4 Y9 T3 mtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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3 q* l! ~ n- SShe said some other shit too.6 ?! `" ]! V3 x c( s: x) A
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THURSDAY:
- Z. L9 {- V! yBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as4 u; d! V3 t, B+ ?9 E b9 M9 k+ J3 h
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help: J% y& k i4 P4 a, a
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda9 a% O# d" V' O9 H& {7 _% W
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and2 T' e5 K$ z$ b, p! c' Q O+ V) r) P
hid in the men's room.
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* t- J, D8 i" C+ L6 S" r# ZShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
1 H, T/ j1 }0 n# o5 c" ^" Cmachine -- which I sank./ x ]/ P% W3 q3 _6 W- {1 F
7 S6 @3 Q$ P2 h# M4 rFRIDAY:( `+ X. B+ h0 |/ a9 x: C" C
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
+ ^# j7 a% U' g5 g. ^( B$ cany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,+ i9 P: n8 |' x& m4 w
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
0 P) O7 Y3 N" x. p, H% ^could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
3 h) _- F* r" G$ F# Awanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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( Z: w$ |! K" NAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me( Q' g% E8 J# F& C6 \
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.9 w3 B! S6 T( W0 W q" u
8 ]% [1 b" U0 j; f( uThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition/ D5 @3 ^3 E) ?- ~: i1 @; ^
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
/ Q) D4 k3 R) L& gor the choir director?5 f! g; d, L' `1 ]
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SATURDAY:4 ] e6 |1 s. K$ Q+ L4 m$ |; d" }' [! g
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,! F4 e7 Z% E$ n# L3 f$ {
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
$ i7 I" W% O+ z1 O" D# A5 V) emade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
! A* ?: z# u0 V! D |4 }8 @strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
2 c% d' J" p$ {) b2 p ihours of the Weather Channel.
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9 g9 p3 F5 g1 A' T$ F% Q1 USUNDAY:; W3 z& K0 W3 q: J+ S6 N
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
% E3 n6 c+ y/ @& R+ u7 N/ L7 xand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,/ X& m/ i8 k1 B1 k$ Y) ]4 f
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
$ f$ s+ w: b! X6 z8 Ga root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
