WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
+ T9 {$ F2 B0 @4 b) |into a regular workout routine.
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+ ?1 l, D# z' CDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
, p6 z7 O& |* t; C' l) `week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
$ ?( C: V; m% j4 P7 Q  z. ram still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
5 E4 c$ a1 y3 Q5 g) Ntry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

! g: F& \4 y% ~5 ^: D# ~8 I; H! _Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
& K6 C/ ~1 N3 C  hworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
" L0 k$ Q8 {" k3 ome. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
7 A2 B- R0 y; f. i4 keyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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9 Z6 u" R& ?) s# i0 ]/ |( hShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
+ f" f2 Z& g, Y2 |5 |4 G6 \5 ythat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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6 L6 r8 i$ u) m) ~7 i. e& `Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
# Y9 x1 H1 L3 l* k( W6 p' Ualthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
4 M4 [2 O9 r  p  z* {was around.

0 E4 y3 E' Y5 BThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
6 _" G) g) e' U' X1 s$ i8 eBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
* Z0 Y3 S9 r" L/ Kall worthwhile.

2 A6 L5 u  z( q& @8 l$ YI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

" ^4 i- |* H4 z, g  YWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
8 i6 H* g- Q- ^% L9 n) [! hthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
4 Q8 v, v; s) a( S0 ], ea hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
- ?7 O7 h# ?3 ?5 q1 u: A/ E5 Tmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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, t( _8 l* t, n; V: \THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
3 g: c# p7 ~! X  C9 Qtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
+ o% w/ O; [7 N* D9 u6 F: [  dhid in the men's room.
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. X8 G1 k: c7 ^) }8 V" i7 j6 vShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

- M4 e0 X8 {8 M! Z. a* sFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
% ?' h" B# B/ ^- @9 Wany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
8 t/ _: o8 }- [2 t. o7 l% Tcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
' X, Z/ D9 P8 N7 E9 H* rwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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3 f% r% a7 I4 ^And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
* K5 N' \* }( gthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
! ?6 G( w  \9 R( `& p. A9 uor the choir director?
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9 B- p$ G: O+ y; z5 Y, b3 ^SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
7 ~9 x# c9 J0 q6 x8 r: hshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
/ y# Z# t' x( E. mhours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
6 M& ]* ]1 d" R, l( {0 cI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
$ D% [  `, R6 Ba root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.