WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
0 l" @* e) m7 }0 J" g" f. Finto a regular workout routine.
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7 O7 Z) l6 E! P5 c9 `Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

* g) j4 C( P3 _My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
  q* ~: {) G0 g- p0 y5 bworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
$ n6 W' |. P' ~/ ]  u" ]in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 u& W0 w+ R) ewhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

6 V& D! U3 ?. P* a5 rVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
: F  S8 x2 i0 S: N5 [was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
+ [5 q8 o, B, W9 i, K/ l: B
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
; y6 Y0 |8 S% x- M8 kand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
0 u( u* @+ m' M: Ptreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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' G0 y( D% ]- D. A  y7 PI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

+ I# q0 Q) }/ F: R8 M' jWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
; H7 j% O) P& ]- _( Ethe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
9 \% u+ X1 \( E1 t5 y! pa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
9 j$ K! A1 Y9 l, o. K5 o6 nbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
- ~( ]. q) S% f! fthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
' Q( N5 Q0 D0 N7 c1 L; P7 `' Z) Kmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

9 |! J5 F: ~0 X& o& y- |She said some other shit too.
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1 D$ E( N; ~0 T' R9 cTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
' A: F# Z6 ]9 T& S- g4 s  Y, s) ~took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
+ z) d- x" o; U" e8 r$ M# Bmachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
9 \8 Z+ T  ~8 f9 pany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
# R! U" f: G+ X8 kanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

: L& {4 Q) C% y) H3 W1 bAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
! q; K; {% g' j/ W7 b" Kteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
) r' K7 s. s" H" L. C2 PBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
/ ?- A7 j" f) M' ^9 [( w, H# f, D" Fshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
& m* x: F8 w% Y5 imade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
1 O  H/ G% @7 s* A3 zhours of the Weather Channel.
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4 w5 r0 e' N6 ^, rSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
& m( s2 m! ?2 B& Z& F5 L6 R2 Hand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
! l; j/ l. {" p/ Q2 a" Wa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.