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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something6 W! q. u5 a1 |, {: M6 S. i7 c
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
" s; g9 ], t& u Einto a regular workout routine.! b+ @8 [$ m+ S8 U& m
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Dear Diary:+ \9 I! t9 b- _. l! P. ^
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
. _2 C6 G m" |week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
& _9 B# m' g8 X) U$ T( lam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 m3 }; x( G7 ^; o: B8 E
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a+ v* o% {) }' J+ y/ \; }4 E
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer, ~6 t9 Y p! q0 x4 ^4 B- n
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
9 ]: M( ~3 B+ b- x& T: P& ]instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.( F* |9 E6 b( F4 @7 w
6 _+ a- ~4 Q0 q8 ]/ `& sMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club( x$ H `' Q4 k. a( l1 T7 s
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.0 P a* ~$ E( s: U2 M, x2 [0 `
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MONDAY:
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5 }0 P; C$ c6 m) t4 c+ OStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well7 w* a' x3 D0 E, ?7 G% ^, Y
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for p, y! Z# ?' o8 P3 D
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
: C! T5 O) q ~ veyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!2 {: m7 E/ T% U+ \* |9 K
* s% |! [6 U5 h$ r8 tShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
8 \1 Y5 a) s6 y& M$ H, O. J6 c! Bthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her6 G/ k, W* b+ K4 B6 A
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in6 u' w5 o( ?' k5 z2 T" b4 w% y
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
8 a9 n) P1 X8 balthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she: v V$ r4 D: \) k4 O- x: X
was around.$ M9 ^# l* R' T' T
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 s1 B6 \9 R8 i" H
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TUESDAY:/ }2 ^! V4 }& P& l/ w# m6 J6 U
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door., S4 o: }( A3 P- u3 n
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,) @- y _/ Y; J2 F; e, e. d+ ]
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
W: n7 C+ a! U3 M+ H1 jtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
( n+ M4 B1 `' b9 Pall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:1 J+ ?6 U& P6 w& M- ^
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
9 z3 n, p% {# m6 V# r: Lthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
, N) y/ K- J4 @+ }2 I Ia hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
/ T, x K& Z4 Z* csteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams. ]) [ X |6 S0 p) F$ j" Y
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for. Y" ]2 z7 ?; O' y/ u
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
% ~; {; A( a9 z4 v# p/ ]7 mthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
) k' l" @+ U! u$ B1 o7 G/ z: K+ zBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
1 o5 F0 p) C5 o' g- W4 `machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' t( A" i8 p: T! P5 q" r! Ftold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.3 F! j4 V4 ^& v
3 d9 I# w- K3 R7 o* ]
She said some other shit too., L0 L6 r; z' E3 j, \( ^$ D g
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THURSDAY:
5 {, F& H7 I4 w9 M5 N8 ]& zBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
% O* R8 {6 o+ b7 ]8 qher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
7 h& D$ V; b/ ?5 d+ n' c- m9 E$ vbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda7 K7 W$ D7 J! L$ s; \2 E
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
. n$ h9 X3 A5 j) |; Uhid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing1 R4 R. }) @, M9 \ d9 v
machine -- which I sank.0 W4 r# a X9 K
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FRIDAY:5 M- }! Y: b1 L) a3 B
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated- O: _4 y3 G8 s+ G# [
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,& l$ w- E8 t5 ]( R! i2 m9 M ]
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I# Z. y: l1 t4 d3 H( z; [( n9 k
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda. | A+ p% t$ f% |( H/ z, t) w/ U
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!* ^% G. b7 n6 F$ f9 B( c# T$ m- s
& V/ j$ H: u m' i; S4 wAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me8 [1 y6 y/ X5 C6 R0 ~" s
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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" h& X& ?2 w1 C; D+ I2 yThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition T8 R/ E' \# @* B8 V
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach9 r( A5 @$ G6 G( k
or the choir director?; Z/ k( f+ Y1 Z" V+ F8 E* ]
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SATURDAY:! D+ a, S, S' ^ l
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
. y* @! B4 \4 k) P2 i8 W4 Zshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
" h. e) J% p9 v; u. Lmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the5 C. d; x5 E. ?, l' w
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight: P5 o Q# D4 i6 J7 O0 [
hours of the Weather Channel.4 ~& W& h2 b( h9 u
* u4 T8 d& b6 d1 aSUNDAY:
" G0 V# x$ Q4 _/ E4 R: OI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go0 `, A& i+ I5 r5 r9 U3 r
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
' {$ d9 Q; d! K: g8 h/ rmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like2 R0 W+ [' q* R! s
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
