WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
0 C1 |0 k% l7 _# Ywrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
3 T  F0 V* d6 Cinto a regular workout routine.

1 D: N( g! G3 a$ j' yDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
' R" D7 r; B" d: c7 O. Xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
+ p1 T) V) }6 y8 t9 cyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
5 E  Q3 Y" Z& {- y9 M( z, wtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
' d/ t  `9 R4 n1 t3 i' B# Uinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
2 S) @$ U0 @$ R8 hencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
3 b2 l/ e8 i& T' F+ q
+ L, E& J/ I4 y7 h: d3 m. fMONDAY:

& X4 g0 b" m6 lStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
9 D0 h* ~  M" N6 R0 f7 wme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
8 d6 X+ \* `! y7 f% A( Ceyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
2 K: i0 l) ]2 C$ Sthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
6 U) m; c, n, r9 A# L: J9 A/ |in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
- [' s& I9 s9 wwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
  Z9 W$ F5 E# i* B
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
4 w0 D% u1 F7 \4 ealthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
2 a6 ]; S% J$ ~  `# ~8 R) q9 owas around.
6 a$ }7 k' B8 J
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
) a' G. @  B- O# O  t1 M
  H( r6 X) ^2 R5 |) v1 Z8 ATUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
  l/ w  A& G9 r# bBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
5 }9 ]' l1 J0 G, Q( A+ q" L) Yand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

9 Q+ p0 M- n8 [/ r8 s# `WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
1 j7 \, @" j3 Z3 Hthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
1 m" K% @8 O- r# x6 J1 g* M7 ca hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
4 U# y+ ?+ M  t7 \9 H) learly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
) c3 f5 X4 `2 p& }* @- Qthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* w/ Q% L$ q$ ~  `machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
2 J: G  c* @" Jtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

$ T. ?4 U' t5 i, f" kShe said some other shit too.
. j" ^4 }) j3 W( O7 Z' i
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
1 q4 l  l/ C* Y8 @- E& B9 {3 F- Xher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
: i! c* W7 O9 _% p  i5 p' L! {3 Y! Qtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
2 \3 U8 c% }, V3 r+ R" o3 ?
9 W8 V) w0 `' ]1 _0 j$ r! R, S7 Q1 |She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
8 `7 @) H' f6 P# A, vmachine -- which I sank.
6 y; l0 k6 k! N" J9 I( h. K
& F& `. |( R# Y( HFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
+ R. g- M8 g7 W( wany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
  X. ^4 I7 ?& |0 oanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
4 Z8 v5 C+ t2 W9 Qcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
, x) a' `2 i. U/ [- U; f5 g3 ]wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

' Z1 L& S4 i3 c  @; a9 WAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
- l1 s; d+ d  A( J, v5 Y$ N, |/ _
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ ^( k  C/ }! g7 \- U4 |teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
4 x4 `  C; f1 J  Sor the choir director?
5 R: v0 N7 l6 |
% u7 B1 p  X5 Z( h6 C" q9 J$ `SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
- z$ a* |+ I3 ?" ohours of the Weather Channel.
$ i! `) a, D4 b" U! b; _9 C# C# c) X
( r( a5 N  L0 T& F- SSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
) D% D6 n% ^! P; i$ }and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
  u" U. I! L0 H" g* sa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.