WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
( N. U' f) F1 K# l* g: D, R6 Binto a regular workout routine.
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; k8 P, i' Z/ {6 Y) e5 b% Y. U" GDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
0 i. J( i; B& Xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
9 t: l  P& C% W) C# q* Myears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
9 S7 l0 T9 i& ^" Znamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

( E7 G2 U- V: A9 s" a; M0 Y5 ^4 OMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
( r4 J5 o5 d! N0 Tencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
# R$ S$ X0 O3 ]  N) R  lalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

6 Z, ?: Z3 ]' R6 I( `4 K( I: x# ]This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
% a0 s4 l, X3 n- w: C! Mtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" R+ }  i0 V- n4 d) d6 qall worthwhile.

0 G3 {$ z, D+ ]9 ~+ z$ Y4 N" F( @I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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' w* e4 I7 ^. |/ WWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
) v' D5 I7 y; U" g$ `. E/ Ysteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ ?5 ^" Z8 o9 {9 ]# I0 e2 xearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ b6 L: \2 Z& ]that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
! n1 I9 ~! t4 g# _  F# T! OBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
1 ~; _' x8 \' I3 \8 |" Fmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

, s4 W- N' X0 }& C- NShe said some other shit too.

4 L4 i3 `5 U+ t0 B7 sTHURSDAY:
. }/ z  _1 u8 T1 BBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
/ U5 A2 r  [, `( @being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
# y: x( V* S$ W! l" s! r; ~hid in the men's room.

' P2 n2 c% q' X9 ?6 N" O: S+ bShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
  C8 x! C0 U5 jmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
8 a6 f' z( a7 c7 |) I9 P. YI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
. e' ~; r& c+ A9 |4 Pany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
: c% D# ]: L8 G( b8 wanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
6 U& `! @& m* N* ?, @7 {could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
  Y/ V$ T9 s0 C' w! v. Z* P$ t. iwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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" z- |1 V: W! _( G: vThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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- l* D$ ^7 Y9 n) c3 GSATURDAY:
; v" ?& P- R5 b8 v' U1 W4 }Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
1 f5 J# I) X  }/ F9 z+ Vmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
0 c* N5 }! E; V! Z0 V2 E' mstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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0 ~/ @5 W1 F. ^( K) R9 m# }; h" _SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
; T  {& k( Q; F( U+ x0 ~9 S: Omy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.