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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
. \8 d3 v" {( e- A$ Kwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get$ ]2 e+ Q# p/ E+ L0 g. d# M
into a regular workout routine.
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$ U- W+ E5 J2 zDear Diary:) q: A# t2 D8 ]0 }1 b
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a7 L; `+ H/ }: H
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I2 T! r4 W) s! X& k; H
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 251 M- A0 f+ M+ N# |- m
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
r5 L$ e/ R Q+ ^try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
0 s2 S3 T/ s, tnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics1 p, Y5 z+ t" \$ R* Q
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.1 e! I, F+ f/ H z4 g
& D' F% i% ?5 J" |0 \My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
4 q5 F! b2 O; F4 {1 dencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. I. V' G4 R! X1 p
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well( R: [: ]( Q2 N0 C9 {8 D! J
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
$ r8 y' t1 Z: n1 z4 [3 T6 ^me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing9 Z0 g$ Z* I& z- ^/ p
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
. E3 z. s# M8 k7 j! wthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her% |9 F; Z& C* G, v4 |
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
8 V/ \+ r+ r8 w+ a, n9 i7 Swhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.$ P, t1 L) }: f' d$ c+ o2 n
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
! u2 {$ w% k7 ]+ A; y% Zalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
+ d4 n% h0 c W, u. y3 ]# x( fwas around. S! G6 T: N9 e5 b5 ?% U* G
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:, Q: T( J$ _4 M& M& N- C! a' v
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.9 q; Z7 b( j5 {3 H, ^
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
9 E. \" I4 d( @and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the4 }* S7 T8 M) i. n9 B
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
3 J# N' F+ G0 a, \+ Dall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.; h2 A- m4 W4 B# L) F; t! z+ _
3 c' `. c1 C4 P7 h" @; l* GWEDNESDAY:! {. J/ a7 ?) V
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on* q8 w* f' P; i3 A; J
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
1 X/ V' y/ k* V* X. J# X" S2 ?a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
4 v7 m C* O4 M) D) Y$ O( vsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
' O* ]7 G' P& [- X- p- V$ pbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for7 A* H6 G9 N* i2 c! B/ V
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine4 E: G. c$ E9 n5 v% z+ k, m0 ~( Z
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so; p6 K) I% H2 q: K- J7 r. S
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a" q5 G5 b K' o' G/ R- z
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda$ u5 P3 H& H) O5 q! G# L. g! m( y
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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( b+ ?5 ^# |5 b7 Z- fShe said some other shit too.
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/ z3 h; C$ u& u4 Y2 \THURSDAY:
U$ l3 A( s7 KBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
6 o$ \' u3 r+ e6 v# Iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help% {1 w4 F. F7 T3 f" Q
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda S0 r' {3 I1 h: e
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
3 d9 m% z5 a/ q3 m+ `( n! Yhid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
7 ~5 C& j" u' K; Dmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:( \) C9 O9 Y, j9 Z) J
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) S( }; S- A. c' Q% B$ u3 J3 ~0 zany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
3 ? R# t0 | w$ E0 lanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I1 Q M3 g1 P2 b Y f# D
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda P0 m8 x5 g6 v Z7 h
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me6 F- ~) e& d+ z) H3 d' R! S3 F
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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! _* y/ b! S; W9 o% l3 \' vThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
- F. ~# s0 O w% ]/ Wteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach* }* M% G% R1 D& n/ [. r( |6 J9 b% H
or the choir director?6 Q, l' G- H1 Q8 ~& v
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SATURDAY:" {7 J9 z! B$ e- ]
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,) L* C$ o6 D0 m* W. s d/ W1 L
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her, J% X. |: ]3 _/ A
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
0 x* A4 `! ~- ]. c& bstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
l0 }* T- J! T7 J& U8 ahours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
& `$ p' D2 Y ^7 ^ CI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
( G' C9 S7 r7 Band thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,1 z; `# v5 h' F5 z- u
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
. v* K( k0 m7 b* r9 wa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
