WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
! o& X$ _; f$ U: _4 D; ginto a regular workout routine.

' s0 n/ y# J9 uDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
/ z. P+ {9 d& c2 h8 Qweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
: k9 e. a) H( j' p3 Utry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
8 Y* Y* k% h/ L2 w1 g7 Sinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

2 p0 }0 \5 W: t) XMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
  w; b: Q1 U& g7 B% A
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
& L; L0 f) V( k- |- O5 K0 M5 ]worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
3 S2 \$ X3 e. _% p( s, t! K7 h3 ^me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
# _# n2 s3 ~3 r! O2 eeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

: u. M6 G5 ]! n1 u/ b/ w* jShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
% ]' S3 V4 P4 m8 Ewhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
' _3 x1 Q4 l# w% z4 W2 w" q
% Q9 L3 T( }3 x8 ^, t0 B( A9 fVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
' T. Z; @6 a  vwas around.
+ O* A9 X2 x! Q) @
' A( P  s0 A# w' @1 YThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

2 m) a( Q* r6 }* l7 t5 z/ XTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
3 @' B& w9 W( R: T1 m3 U7 z/ Xand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
5 k2 K3 c- u. c' Ttreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
/ C8 x  v4 e# r& u# t3 \1 j; m- j3 ^5 p
0 Y4 ]! n2 g6 s9 ~I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
1 a1 _  S# ~0 EThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
/ c6 m2 J' F$ wa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
4 J% @' M# G9 W- _steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
( N9 |: }: W9 Z7 aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
# s! _, j( ~8 @+ Z& b4 v+ hthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
5 f+ @8 q2 w+ o" |% cmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
: \! s8 n0 n7 O/ K/ z# Rtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
& s$ E$ C1 ]% {  o3 w" l
$ _) [5 d; l( M. ~# K. K' \THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
  N1 e9 o2 m4 Q; ^her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
% Y( ~& F2 l/ x3 ?* B; Sbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
3 c* Q! `. }% Z2 kmachine -- which I sank.
* B, [; ^: z, v# d3 r8 h4 X
6 b& d; c5 P  {* m8 D0 UFRIDAY:
2 [& K- X2 Z: Y( x  FI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
2 n( [, }$ h8 D$ {8 b/ l0 V" Banemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
! M* e% H7 c! N( }
% U! y  U2 K5 I$ q' fAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
: Q' }' M9 X/ h4 |% V2 pthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
& ]+ J7 c5 F- n* U
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
( S! T* _/ T& \teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
; Q, r8 u$ O! o' ]" e* R9 vor the choir director?
+ Y. X1 e+ `, f; V* H) L, d
/ d' t7 q. G" Z! i6 D4 c. }SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
* g4 B  U! ^. H  n1 Gshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
) {2 R- m, G& n9 |! Z' p) h$ M! omade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
' t$ B4 J. W/ J# Whours of the Weather Channel.
' O/ b+ Q+ D% H! r
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
( [7 D8 s/ h2 C: L: dmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.