Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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9 c; }9 b3 H0 R3 {5 r1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

- ~$ ^4 ^8 q" T1 s6 z7 R8 W8 R' F2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

  N' [$ d5 Y( M3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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) ^- Y/ Y/ `2 N! H  e5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

: J; U/ {; y3 I7 v& B+ c- \: L. W6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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. k4 y6 N0 ^1 @# c! v8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

/ B0 n% T/ c; m$ G% f9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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" G$ q/ C9 B7 Q! q; t/ _' ~11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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. r0 S1 j- A( b# I1 o2 d, J14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

2 V0 h- J3 F# l) p  ^5 S4 ]: Q15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

! @* K1 C( k3 ?/ I16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.