Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

  d+ d% o5 c- w" b( h& S1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

8 z$ O1 D+ ]. W5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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) Z% d! \' ^* Y0 s; v$ D1 _6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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( H8 Z* u) r" O9 ]7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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8 |% q4 ?7 |) z: H( c1 m$ p$ |' \) \10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

9 e! A% \0 r5 R. `7 f! O11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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- C2 ?5 d# ?4 H6 ~14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

) E2 S5 d& G$ ]7 Y- Z15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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* [7 K- ~8 F& x% M% {16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.