Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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, B1 K- ~& U3 e- L$ O! T. ]5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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$ e* W8 }' Z$ m( ?7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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- H- d( P( ~; {$ x$ A1 ^! V8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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" y) `  f+ p" V- e8 U9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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0 a3 L# f$ a0 n6 \: B3 }10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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) A8 G# f3 G3 ^" ]% C+ {12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

0 x6 D* {; P# U14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

0 ?/ C, ^$ m& `5 O$ `$ W, S15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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* F1 k) V% `& q- `! X4 s16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.