Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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0 _/ \* `/ J; F+ b( ]. j- O1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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3 E0 k, ^: u# E4 b; J$ R5 d4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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- q% Y. t  z* Z/ a8 m6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

) f1 I! h5 ~# f  ^1 H7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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& n0 d4 j" _  c6 x* }" Y8 s: L& j* C8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

9 [4 `" @& b1 W+ f7 A& P10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

% Y  s8 {5 Z9 M, U  N13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

9 j! Z7 `; z1 |8 t& C) C14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

. x+ w6 T, j/ }' p% m7 R15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

- x) l# y1 v1 A/ u16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.