Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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* x8 ]& I& t1 ^3 R/ g$ U+ oThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

1 V2 a# u) n' `2 J6 [/ g* S5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

5 e/ _- V6 u% c5 j$ I6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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- x# Q# |. |' a* r, ~5 U7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

, |% \3 p* m) F  x2 ~% Z% `) M8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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+ k1 y* h+ L6 Y0 {1 y9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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. b) D) a3 U+ d! [* `& b10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

( r( @  `2 \# [+ A- z9 w11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

/ e7 n1 T* M5 b  t. @. E12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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0 D2 o  q. X4 r) l14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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& p# G2 V+ x, G$ x- D; i) |# Z15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.