我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
& h: j9 z; `# s2 L
& P3 {1 G4 U3 @2 p3 ?I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

5 Y* u. P' B& m: F9 WYou have charm, you have looks
$ e, Z- ?% u8 q1 Lwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
( j! u8 P/ a( o& W0 _6 e( f0 T
0 w3 S1 ]4 [$ r; ^; z" H: b+ IYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
+ D! D5 f* {# S, S8 `Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
6 O6 Z* ]8 n* Q+ OEverything from you is positive
3 Y1 E" M6 j" i1 W% f& \; iYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
  J3 U1 [# R& I8 O) p9 }Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
& j3 N1 {( @+ u) A% l4 o; v: O' z5 I
I fell in love with you
, ?. X% c& L. f! Q; p; zBecome a fool to think
2 N# M( |0 y- m0 XAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

! d  [0 Z3 K/ {) x5 ~) Lyou are deeply in love
0 B, b9 V0 h. }; a9 U& L; A9 e- AEverything from me is negative
/ l  C  g) j6 r"My man should be like this,
( J, D$ |* M" v" Hand I am helping you to improve'
8 ?! j; q0 A% b
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
3 V# X$ H! f2 _9 \( R9 Q
$ [# f, ?) [6 _8 Tunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
  E! M% E  m- aIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
! x7 r$ T5 \3 V% x* ?my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

( c, C8 n" `! ]/ u+ l& l
7 Y- C- m: }+ v4 f1 |$ ^咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
; @! B: ]* w/ _) l' ?- y2 p7 {i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 L0 M; U( G9 \0 _And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
" N' R' X3 z( ~+ }7 |+ U6 L6 Z6 o  {
with the charm,
1 k) v  N9 x/ x) Swith the simles.
I fell in love with you
4 d' h/ Y7 _) Y& p2 @In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
6 B; a, P( e; D( R0 B0 b. L% N
Your lip is so soft
  \: ^0 P  }, e* Zthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
2 \2 ~: n8 `3 i9 V9 _Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
; M: m- {; Z* B8 j
9 u8 n1 C) x7 K8 t) z4 X* T) _I am deeply in love
: t! x: t9 ~; `: C& c, Z* \7 X6 vEverything from you is so charming
& S. P2 B2 B* i4 z$ H  Halthough You r so picky for me
; A- r& r2 p8 BAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
4 P7 L  @5 L' F7 k+ H: ~& HBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

( I  C5 m: F2 l% }4 A
* I8 R7 i% a9 d: k2 e4 t. i$ I- bHis hello is the end of her endings
; F! V% ]( B3 y" R  iHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' s% S6 ~$ P5 i1 h  ~) @His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
: A( r7 ?, @' i* D3 P* T- EShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
" [2 t* A) t5 _, \9 O* t, b+ @/ UI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
8 l% e' X1 A+ M7 {* o3 l2 L
. t9 P5 Z  m: tBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
0 V* g& q. d& G* h
It's amazing how I felt
6 ]* D5 h* b$ _# ~) ~5 g9 {# \0 ywhen I was with you
. c8 c; m6 n* S0 I2 \: z! m/ sMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
" d6 C; a* C! b! GHoly Jesus, you were so cute

* M8 j6 A$ }4 k% DYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
* G  O- U/ [/ J7 L/ c3 G
9 S, y- g; [, Q: A+ V: D$ l! FFeelings bite my heart
. v$ W$ n! c) ?5 hYou are the right one I wait
2 Z, O- ~, s' C. V! |2 T7 \In the depth of my soul
$ g% \3 p- i1 YI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 N  {, G( |1 |1 A6 T: x$ E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
1 U  K- U4 T4 n9 j/ V$ z你让我心跳好快
4 `- ]9 d- |4 C2 L; m你让我脸发热
* G% v. B( B! ?# K) ~我爱上你的大嘴唇
; l7 a+ p. _! ^- L) c+ sXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 T9 |1 l5 ~6 `0 ?- [3 X
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 E$ T. A2 w5 x7 d+ w4 T; e就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
9 g+ X- s2 C4 y你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
: ]5 I# z, x( H% W5 T. A$ jXXXXX
" U/ p7 s6 y8 Z7 e* m' P4 R" j- R不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

6 b% ~. R4 @' K5 D6 U
4 Y  C- r- J+ m靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。