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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,4 R; D$ `) t, M3 J% F. p( q# t! ?
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  & D  _. [2 }# j. ~, x9 e( k  l
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
8 \- Q! g8 V/ n+ u- X, i  `9 a8 ~现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
0 w3 k/ j1 Z) C/ |2 |: u梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.  e$ ~8 R1 G! ]
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
5 v% ~  E. H; D. T! ~7 d夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.' \8 A3 b! i7 Z. r& S- [  b
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
  h, `2 b) L4 B8 ]2 d就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
6 Z, H( ?7 E: C) O+ ~: d我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
2 ]9 M+ w0 N7 o$ F% \那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
% f1 W2 s& Y( F* c世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.: R/ `# W8 [7 f
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.) s, g8 R4 |6 U& w6 [
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
- W" o7 @1 U: Q8 m6 ]最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 9 f& {3 W) V, R
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
! n8 ]! W( Q# M" W. b9 N6 `醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
1 D5 ~7 v( c0 q0 H迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
8 }0 I8 a% I. n最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.. F( [9 e- V0 G/ M* k  z3 a$ W
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
! m+ a9 ]" T( L) o% T) FWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
$ i0 Z( a- I( I( B$ e) i% P! ]) P多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously1 N' ?. g  ]3 d4 P- G" X& \
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.8 P% `: R; n) h. r! q5 Z4 w
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,   T4 C9 J. ~0 N! W8 {7 C7 R0 q
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
- b0 ^. [' e% {8 B' ?多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!9 K$ e& H4 g( k( Q5 k5 ?
永难平息的泪
- Z9 }  J+ ^: n# h5 l每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
+ x0 _4 F* F9 l6 `+ w2 b7 b8 Z6 `  b! I( D~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
4 z- F0 X4 ^. |/ ?当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
- }3 m% p2 g0 b; n. \4 P让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,1 ?( X" S0 V# s1 R9 s5 H
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul - t$ R& ~) E" U. l! Y
一抹微笑;
" r' r; B# i1 `+ \, i一个手势;
" b- J. M+ j1 z6 d1 o一片话语,# s  w3 s' ^% b  L' n: d
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、5 V8 E8 X, O: P4 G
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
3 D& X1 J- Q# S! A) _心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.0 U* h; q! M. r$ l
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling; g/ F2 ]5 |6 t/ c# a! U
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..- w- n4 r, Z+ h8 N7 u0 {& {
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
& {3 s& W: p% d$ s我并不以为然。$ r9 `3 c! V4 M9 H* \7 c. [
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed # r, L# X4 L) b
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
( |) W8 i4 p& R# f  d  A6 M被一种情绪所左右,* P/ Y4 @  s  b. K1 ^
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .& _. o- y* D0 Y" O- }6 @
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
$ |+ M% ?% `6 p4 V* r( _( G* n' C" R也不问我是否喜欢你,
+ s7 ~" y) F8 `2 Q# ?对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.# w# G4 M) E8 T) f1 Q
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you+ Y' v6 _6 x7 p9 x* @
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
7 L; w+ B' r' X0 y/ u6 f2 c心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil% k& }, }) ?/ m+ N
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ( \  ~" e* w* Y3 `
你的身影已化成一种氛围,1 k# Z( ]% L7 s! O, E& R7 ~. C4 `
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
$ R: |4 J- p- f& \8 L5 Q# O" S你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! ( ~  I) X( P  {0 H0 |
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字9 p! e5 _/ x  f" r" X6 p" X7 ^
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
- L6 V& b% m3 v1 D一种声音,and your voice
  J# r/ a* {$ ?/ l4 }  R( k1 h" X1 t也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling./ e4 V$ e' k* `' \
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
2 @; c5 g" a% S5 W# J, F与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land, X* p6 a6 ], O& J* Z# \
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,& r% `  O4 u$ C' z7 ?. g: L
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.# N, i* P3 q1 F# @) Z
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
6 |* H' L' g3 J你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
: G( _6 I2 b: \有一个能够让思念的人,
+ D4 v! ]! b0 C4 M其实也是一种幸福。- i3 S( I4 `1 `2 J
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
1 _6 ]- g" X8 W柔柔的海风,6 p% v/ \) K1 @" r) A
甜甜的夏天。
/ N5 {: I6 q$ l! Z( P一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
! G4 Z7 T! J) b  r! S3 h2 y只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
6 L7 e" \+ `! G0 j+ G( ]/ ]  R) ~仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.6 _$ H# a$ s3 M4 r9 }3 \* s# S2 v
想和你有共同的情结,
: D  H* y( T; t0 s0 t+ X# G/ D2 B5 p" h5 I共同的心愿。8 d$ X$ }) S5 O1 p! i1 C- M! O" J0 x- w
4 y" g! \$ z9 y: V1 J1 P$ b0 F
! Q& t% }# a1 B* p. B% e, c
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you" J  i- P, C9 o5 [# \# D5 W. w0 b
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
4 C) F+ J9 S" ~或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
  H7 G, n" p* h7 Y6 B或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
4 z+ W+ K4 \$ H. b3 [『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?  N' }: ^" t; _) s/ ]
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
" B6 i' h/ S, T2 |8 {) T% N& v浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”& n; i0 u* |6 N6 q
或是轻轻的一吻,& Y. Y5 W6 F. t5 B
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
( q  `! o. C% k5 _8 {0 R就足够了. That is enough.
5 P0 X& P5 l% P8 v9 P. J6 p+ A' l这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 6 k/ u: o6 r; ~& v/ }& n
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
0 x2 Q& s% {! u萌出了芽,
% k9 l& T( W# K$ _3 h- U7 U' Z一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
+ l/ t3 W$ U# H# h, u浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
8 s4 d+ `2 R) c6 `* p如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
: c" u# i. Q2 s! \! g/ f能够牵著你的手,
3 {* r& a8 R' z那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
  E, Z# G) j' p5 X3 J+ ]让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
0 f5 Q/ A2 d/ J6 B% E9 C慢慢地细读,
. d/ Y( T6 N7 _" @9 x: l我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
/ s3 G4 x6 O7 ]/ c$ y/ f在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me / N/ U4 D$ ?. u7 |* _
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor : B: W1 K9 d1 s* a# S
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
+ K# A; \1 s7 _8 x! P现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
/ `* M" e$ J' m* }: H* z# @5 @* V眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.7 q  q; a0 J' W9 B' f6 @
change to:lacked
8 d% k, i2 v9 d6 |' X猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.  {: M1 e) Q, V- E4 u" g3 l
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
( y0 Y: d0 }5 D1 T# g 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及% @9 B" t% U5 L+ l
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.& u! p( H) N$ [5 y5 `0 T
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
0 ^' F8 Y+ E  G  Y' N9 k: s+ R该为:throughyour hands./ r2 _! w3 p5 b3 H
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
  x9 }: o- b1 _+ I2 m6 Y不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
9 X* `2 K* v' I3 k' a7 ^至少比我强。
" [0 o$ Z% w! ?! _7 g' q1 Q% p* }偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 8 h& ?$ U$ K# v6 O4 K- d, \
1 `8 o) X6 C7 ^& G$ ]
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。& f7 z: f) j2 k6 `
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
% e* y+ _% w3 l" Q) W5 ]- V谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.. R0 z7 _5 }4 W* W/ Q$ Y- ~
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
" ~$ \! U0 z1 Z4 I0 f  M( p- ZEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
" C( `$ l# C9 s) EPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.7 [! B; {3 g' |* s! j3 ^) i
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
7 U8 e; d6 M# m& |" NThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.8 u" j# [7 d4 D
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.+ g1 ~- J* }1 O* r
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
9 m8 ~6 A! G! y, h$ zCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool $ z) e. e% G+ A9 E% q) p$ v/ X( j
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
3 `% [5 P  j6 K) F% N4 i5 ~9 k4 Z9 XI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.% m" h) ]  c" b# L3 `" D% n. G
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.0 C% Q0 m3 t) s% b, v6 d/ b) V
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
: [  v( @2 f. A/ Z  l7 P  `I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.- H' D$ [4 G+ a: ]9 C
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.) Y; J7 R. Z) g+ y4 v9 Q) ]4 l
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?8 ?! h" T/ v  n2 D) z. z
Intoxicated then feel cold,: y+ D4 B& v) w) T
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
. j' h3 o( d& }+ z& ~8 ?( vI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
7 U' g; Y0 E) b) fThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?. I. s/ N& m! `3 l; r
Why I am always hoodwinked!1 h/ V3 C2 ^* `' q  }2 [# g; z6 w
I have told myself many times cautiously
) {8 J5 f1 _) q( E, i# k: Ddon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
) `1 N# a8 u8 q  ^0 M& sThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
1 K9 J2 [, S) N  @+ nWhy can`t I take it easy?& J# c: ^+ v' k" N: h# G
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
) L+ t) J; s# E, W/ A) DWhen the quiet night comes
+ O0 T8 A! k. Byour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
; D0 @! a6 A2 I+ f& Y3 TThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.2 _+ }3 ?* Z/ `5 @+ l2 P; c) r
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
& J) x6 [3 ~, T7 r, n, Alight the dark corner in my mind.
" b/ m/ K# G" \" n  G& k( a, ~: wI feel a bit of cozy.% {& U8 {, H8 M" T: X& L( N
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
- m) C; T+ ]5 z5 ^3 ~maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.! i7 F. q$ y0 V
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
# ?! _+ h8 B; H& h% E3 f& hbut accompanying with the time passed
0 T: L4 d9 w9 `( k3 x' \I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
* k, q1 s6 B' K# Malways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
) X. `% q( p( y+ s8 w' o& y7 x$ IWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
) B  G2 Z) i7 Y* f1 w: Aonly feel gracious for your existing,( a1 b$ b0 Z, J" \' W
onlt want to do something for you.
& S0 L. v7 ~; _) [1 Q4 `Every time when you meet me. {: B' k/ b+ b% s  k' J  f: b, C
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,4 z( `* X7 M+ s+ N+ z8 C0 \/ @: w
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere9 K3 y' E& g  d, A
That live in my heart.5 L4 [1 j- T, [! k& k; F
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?! a* A; y; d- n3 v* l
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice' g, _: n2 {* ~' v
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
6 K" @4 v6 z2 rThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land4 C1 r, c( y7 B: ^& S! S
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.6 y2 M# o  ]0 B4 V
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,& I2 M0 h* o7 ?" O7 r
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
$ ^% D8 Q6 {$ a8 `' \/ kSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ! n) ]' l7 S1 L! }: `' _
only waiting for you quietly
# v- w5 y$ i- S8 mjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.+ S" l& f' V+ j9 y9 ?7 k
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
/ z! D3 k: x( |and enjoy the rain washing together, Y0 n7 L/ R- K0 m; u! b& N9 T
or rush to a film6 `4 O6 T; L' u6 l# R0 D
or listen to a music quietly.- c. T  |  k  K* Q1 B6 l0 Y
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
. N" g/ f  U+ `# w% i6 r+ j5 NIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,- b* S2 Q8 D1 }+ w4 q! F1 l  C
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
0 f, r1 u; q* |- u1 IThat is enough.
% u' x7 v( {) a+ j! ^- v3 n/ c/ `Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago," |' c7 @( k/ I" D$ T- H. ~* L
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
; j+ v, I* x" h7 X. uthe same as my missing.
. G- q- A- w, c. R1 nIt comes a little bit of verdure.
2 @. E5 Z; z  {3 z1 a1 x' KIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 ~2 F* x; c& V3 h& [+ Zthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.0 N8 ?4 }% m2 Y7 S
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully., t& a1 M8 K! R+ o6 M. Z6 N
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.3 Z  F- B6 x% R5 y" ~
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,# x5 Z0 C! r! W/ }* i
then I will have all care and ardor.
4 m, i* p* x! J8 sShall we walk arm in arm?
$ i$ ^1 k! ~8 @1 o$ Z呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
1 H4 I5 f6 K, Q& E+ z, m8 {Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.* N, k9 ^$ l2 P+ J' N6 X( o! G
I am still the same person of yesterday.
* g" v# a1 ~$ c. W  |( b$ j9 B( \/ rUnchanged name, unchanged I.
& x# T9 J( _- I; J& cSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. + u  N; t3 D8 R' f: m
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.* ]6 ^1 e: @+ G9 j+ E
More or less,  M! `0 B  K2 g+ r3 H" ]
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
7 I4 J& A  d+ |& A1 Z; N0 M6 `- n) o
Summer easily slips away5 `1 e! Z. }( v% p, R" I
Those long lost hot nights
( D) z! p( R( r+ I- N* M' Z can only be found in the old days.
  i7 h$ g4 }( n, P2 k
, j+ R2 q& F% nCats jumping over the window sills, 5 G' w  o1 V- P4 I  a$ c
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
% K0 a: ]$ z, I' t( p! EGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
/ y' G! P  x' p9 A* U1 dLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
; m/ }4 K$ l, H) I4 b6 m$ u1 {& SI am still the same person of yesterday.
+ z2 z% G* T( Y+ h$ }8 W- XUnchanged name, unchange ...

. M6 U/ N. k# _- J. V- K
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
1 ?$ ^" C: x0 N4 z& W$ ~6 nGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.) z# j5 M2 b7 w! w) i
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 ]! M9 q/ u( A8 {5 s; @
I am still the same person of yesterday.
( A: N9 F+ |9 x8 @' QUnchanged name, unchange ...
8 x4 n) I* ~) O5 L
i like it.
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