WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
% Q% E; Z* _. u9 y3 }2 \- ?1 Iwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
% W/ q& ~) d! Vinto a regular workout routine.
! c! H  j7 q- a& Z! ~
Dear Diary:
9 |1 o1 g6 q5 e; W  {+ G
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
, e1 |' k) E. C: Nyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
, Z  F  y2 j  o) Bnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
+ N% B! Y9 W2 ^, `, ~( @0 r
4 f9 ~5 A" ]8 A6 K3 T* Q( @My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
( q  t4 s) e; S$ X" F1 n, A: A- @
0 V" {! n! S$ L' RShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
3 {8 P+ v( K4 c- h5 ein her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
/ h( Q, J# D# j+ I5 t" w/ Vwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

, w6 h0 O. u. G) y- m- q! GVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

9 Y/ B8 F4 J$ T# N8 |This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
+ z4 [& q5 l$ ?/ c) g! H
% i7 `4 F8 {! I% G! KTUESDAY:
, k+ T7 }1 c5 SI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 I4 I7 b- j  o3 x7 fBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
4 q$ s% S/ y4 K% Q# Y- }# D0 Sand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
7 A7 Y% g# a* S/ w. \' ~& Fall worthwhile.
* U. n% I- z- a9 h$ Q! x( K; m
% I# `/ H& t. A) A7 x5 \) Q2 O( rI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
" f! l$ |6 C+ U$ Vthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
& n7 A* N/ t5 D; l3 d. T' bsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
; f8 [0 K( M& Y! f) z% V5 T( vbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
3 e2 I& G4 i4 @, mthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
. ]) w  [. ^( ^$ fmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
, l5 W1 ?" N/ _9 u+ W* c* F
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
2 g$ `$ Q" {( a1 ?$ a! Y+ ]9 jher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
0 f1 }5 X9 h! `1 }- o# bbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
  K; j/ Q" P# E8 shid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
. V: B/ j( Y/ ?3 C9 t$ Qmachine -- which I sank.
+ f& j: n; L3 g2 r) A/ T
1 x# W/ t) }$ _( rFRIDAY:
2 r( Y8 ?8 ^8 f. fI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
, v" k' u4 v6 u" ~1 h: {/ `+ v; Wany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
' p! |( v7 b6 x0 Z$ d; h, u" W8 {/ `anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
! S7 U7 k+ F" N; ?+ T: U/ s3 o  ^wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

8 y+ J( A" L2 O" |; D8 `And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
/ X- O  t8 a% f8 q: J4 q5 vthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

4 T( h9 g& g4 E, B$ k! qThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
" T8 w) f9 e& |3 y" wteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
# G/ k4 C+ H8 DBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
+ ~/ t% D- _9 l, r4 g- w2 hshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
5 i9 i7 e: o( e( H7 m4 }made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
, N# c' H5 g! ?* L8 i; m" X$ D
# [4 [# I1 t3 [4 e1 m# X; I. ISUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.