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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something8 U0 Q0 @$ X7 x" z
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get+ e+ r' F* U9 B' ?8 W
into a regular workout routine.' t0 O( A) g0 ~! B( O1 E( _
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
F% }2 \* h9 Q$ ?) h9 z" |/ cweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I. L" `+ \6 N. _" I7 D. V
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
* f# Z7 f* `) b8 jyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
9 g" \: U. ~0 k9 \! `1 ytry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
5 ~& g# t, d9 b1 o0 Y e j& S3 Onamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
( [) F1 A& r0 p- w& t. n# N$ Y" o) n; U: {instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.+ f: c% N: {& S5 O; _1 G
8 C, q7 e, r4 NMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
& \" ]% K- Y4 w8 U6 `encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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; R& _ K( D: t7 tStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
/ K- C( S# |# s* ^8 O! U+ [+ v4 tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for% m! z$ f% W& K! H; s! E( G5 Y( s, g
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing3 V \8 g) {% k$ N0 b- {
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
% t5 [6 b2 X' r, ?* Othat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
. @6 s3 V5 _/ x! F; |& e& Fin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
) w' s X) V% X+ s& [which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
) {- t) G4 M0 z7 J/ d+ J5 M0 S8 calthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she2 g1 q$ L1 T1 R
was around.# X8 z2 r$ K: }, e
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!9 v$ V9 U( v# Z/ X
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TUESDAY:9 ~! h8 r7 _1 _4 V' ~0 d0 b
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.9 `! Y+ X8 r8 b c
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
* D4 V! N: R* Rand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
5 ]2 G) ^7 c4 b0 r- y: }6 f- ztreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it! s% Z+ X( [/ d+ u- l) t
all worthwhile.( i, I. y5 ^( p$ | G1 b& C
}, L% T) x; j' nI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.* p5 A7 l9 s9 R* D1 I
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WEDNESDAY:
7 b" W- R" P. K2 ?" y2 r+ tThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
7 S4 H, S! S4 d# pthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
0 E5 V& r# _6 G% a& D, X2 w1 ?" r- Ma hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to" h" b6 i; g7 ^+ j" F4 F9 ]
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams* `- U# x7 S# S7 |. e
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for' ~' v, q0 ]3 i7 e- S4 o
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine7 x- u9 f% @) ]
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so6 w5 l p l. I# J2 k
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) w2 T% Y+ ]6 V# C% m1 F1 J) Gmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
2 R1 R. x T; d; S3 X. C. e& L8 ?told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.8 J6 }4 p. g A; D+ k
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:# e9 h$ L& g; [3 l' s7 ~
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as8 p* {0 l8 e; N- S/ k* b6 L
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help9 E' t q$ @0 H* P
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda4 m' h' I0 ?& ?
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and; s* ^2 I. q$ X; r$ B
hid in the men's room.5 @- }) y. d5 P% V4 Q. O, V6 |
; _ c0 x0 t- {6 E7 o* kShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing5 Q" | l! L7 H, ?& G$ J% b
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:, v x5 e' F7 W* e
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated% x" D/ p* X$ P8 P9 c- X
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,; L5 G) m% ^6 T5 h
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
. A9 d0 R# C, f% z% [could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda5 b4 ~; R7 E4 s3 M% e9 ^
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!3 r7 }5 `% m7 [
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me4 f( E) G% P( B2 E
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.# b2 y" i; I$ L
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ N4 [$ x+ d3 ?+ L, j; pteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
, c: z8 T4 i3 Y2 {4 g& yor the choir director? t0 g6 z' d- Q0 H6 |
+ \6 B& _7 ?! K; k4 u: [- n( K# {SATURDAY:: Q" |) V1 O0 \- S
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,; d2 _% |0 f% T/ p$ Q/ F
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her0 N$ h5 ]& C5 V, K
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the" \. x2 q( }8 E% C* M5 y, H, ^
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight& D$ v# `# Q# }2 X+ y
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
6 ]6 h' k5 S. ]5 H/ {" C/ kI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
9 v6 z! o0 l2 a0 ]8 {4 Cand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,$ G* Y# n3 x( M; k/ j3 M9 s
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like( H9 q; B8 E2 t3 ^# ~
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
