WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 u5 X  M8 m" b6 F/ Twrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

) [: @# e  e9 I" p! q, K; oFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
+ ]9 q  M5 [' q9 E1 U# `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
9 \$ @3 s: |, d* vtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
+ d; `* O) d% \0 Y6 `named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
/ B; S% _/ }0 d! S/ k4 i- O0 _instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

6 q! B; X0 B  O: j9 M7 ]* PMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
( [" ?, X: @, ^encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
$ h0 t+ j+ b: W. E6 w" m' e
MONDAY:
$ f* W& g1 v* Y+ t
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
6 d. r. X! Y6 wthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
" `1 Z" R! y- A. B3 _9 q) `which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

# Y" h0 O) }2 ~+ m" kVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
9 ^/ l& Q. K* u3 Calthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
: k3 x# w( u+ h% Bwas around.

3 z/ [# }$ [8 Y( l, }2 }This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

. O# y* K$ B. h/ v, T$ `; m! GTUESDAY:
  x" X5 @2 ~" b( d. g# B5 J# S2 GI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 v5 o" o* ?4 O9 n/ q& c- h: ]and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& S/ @5 i3 T5 I; Otreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
8 q1 n; O( M! q" G' y
- R9 {( Y6 `, X2 B) g: RI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
7 ^. H  T2 k6 S: c0 RThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
8 T- q, D" c( o6 a! p/ j. U9 Ha hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
0 `- G8 e2 K$ C0 A; h" [4 i& C- Y# Gsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
4 G4 s9 ?* T- L$ Y' Kbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
; P/ P! o4 T' u3 l# }+ s9 c, _" ^early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
7 q! W$ N$ D& W- Z: `8 B6 dthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
% L7 ?: p3 q' W9 y/ h0 @machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.

& X0 O" _; L# m5 M  OTHURSDAY:
. _& t$ P* i' N% [# CBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
* M+ I- ]" a% W9 Sher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
5 `' }, @5 F3 K
- V$ \4 ?3 g5 d8 C2 N  m. ~. BShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

9 q5 c  h. z! B/ h' j3 C0 uFRIDAY:
5 q( z; u# m+ ~* x3 V, uI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! K+ r/ u% g! i& I: l5 Nanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 w; B7 l5 R5 h. h0 V% M8 y1 mcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
$ m$ v& S# M7 m! f/ V- A) L; _9 kwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
3 y$ U/ @7 v  [5 {' D' T0 {the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
, p, ~0 e/ g3 _; A9 C9 L3 c+ _/ Q
! d$ S: g/ t. C, hThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
% U# D3 {* p+ I7 y- D1 E: x6 V3 [teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
5 M) e: H- @! X# w7 j2 hshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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; D: m- V( K  |$ t4 q/ @3 _SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
5 U5 P6 ]/ I+ D. vand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
& e( k+ I/ h3 [: p- t# pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.