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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something5 y9 {- x/ c! [- d, a
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
: d& ]* X# C0 k' R$ cinto a regular workout routine.2 u; w( M5 y: o: P! o3 t; ]8 b2 {
" `& R7 _+ B# `9 {2 K+ x# hDear Diary:( p/ d& h$ v, p4 _& J4 p
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a6 n7 K. I" d3 g I# o3 B
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
/ _* C" J+ W, m& r) M3 jam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25; W% ?6 t0 [+ E8 b1 P" C- e
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
/ T/ m9 U6 c4 _try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
; L5 b5 a) @, D6 P# {/ |9 W* H8 dnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics( h; V( S6 U) K+ ^; [5 b9 c
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.9 c' v/ z. o$ J4 s( B8 ~
0 c* m8 s; ^" o" YMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club: O: b0 w4 O! {$ Z5 q
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.+ o9 L5 N' _$ Y9 X5 q" B1 a
3 D6 c; D' a! |0 d! OMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
& ^2 c3 |! p* G2 Jworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for6 |# j9 a# }: q/ [% c5 z
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing# ]7 w, e I/ |+ x, V
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed# M5 \% d( Q f) d( W
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
- s# I5 W9 \1 K+ P' Tin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
/ ^1 Q' ]% |! }7 mwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.9 y; z# R& ]: \# ?+ ?' U, |9 l
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
4 a2 ~/ j% V, p. Xalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she; a) ]" Y6 Y/ r( f) q
was around.
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% H1 e# A. `' r! O. xThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 [5 w* ~+ Z$ i6 p' W- Q
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TUESDAY:) {: }! I! Z( E: p m
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
. k y' Z( _; KBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, h" T! S, k4 A7 p- ~+ f5 _and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the( s I a# l7 l! {% ~
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it _! h" A# t8 y
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me./ M. y. b, Q; e% e) v0 d- \0 K0 Y
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WEDNESDAY:- }, V. r* r7 o1 E- {& F0 b0 @: R
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on3 n1 j6 \( ^/ P* j
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
& q8 ^& A% a4 G8 @9 i; {a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
2 N0 H6 |% U9 J5 v0 f2 csteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
! ~$ w/ O+ q2 o6 k& a4 Sbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
* S- G, E* c( V6 Y( ~early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine6 |* o9 x( ^' r% L; K) p/ F6 M0 F9 y
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
7 p9 d- F5 ~! Y$ T3 h7 }Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a, Q2 f6 q6 O+ {6 Y8 Y, m2 |
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda, g" B9 J0 D( C) w
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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x( \+ N3 }! Y' L7 x3 e, N! FShe said some other shit too.3 s j @, Z l. w `
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THURSDAY:5 Y" H! H$ P7 W' b
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
0 n, u# P/ \, N3 Z8 U; h& uher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help1 G% t0 E* \8 c$ s
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda# @9 z4 Z z5 I0 h8 u
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and$ G: q4 U, i- J$ e) Z. {
hid in the men's room.* y2 k h8 K0 H
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
& N+ t" C3 V ?& ^( S$ j8 r$ B' x: x5 Imachine -- which I sank.9 h& v2 Z" x J+ ^
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FRIDAY:
0 W2 l" X1 X8 t* f {2 S- O' ZI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
% M# R i } L) n% x* nany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
/ }2 W% c! t/ Q! Banemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I, i6 R' F8 T0 D" I7 N& i2 j# ^
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
! @. R# I. ]' [; Y. i1 l+ jwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me: J, V$ m, @5 e, W6 Q$ c I
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition8 `* h# m3 i/ b V8 w0 K
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach# N% b8 r9 y) b( {
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
0 N2 p. G$ u6 E: gBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,* N! m8 }: n* X1 D6 v4 v) c0 Z3 x
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
" L4 b" M, W4 n& ], P1 \made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
" A% M* w6 X# x7 Z( ~2 z3 Zstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& I1 u; N7 h7 m* G& ~5 W# @7 K0 S1 |hours of the Weather Channel.! ^5 J* E7 q" c5 r3 w0 T5 n& v* n- [$ A
8 c ^/ X5 W! Z4 G* TSUNDAY:9 g6 }4 J5 j7 P3 c% ]
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go8 h3 w* x% B) N8 V
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 O2 U! l, P F" Z1 zmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like. o& j7 w' j# A- S6 R: Z$ w
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
