WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
8 G! W, q; z) [/ f9 n' Z& w+ Gweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
) h: U# g0 u. o5 q- ttry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
/ u" q( @- @5 A, `* V4 Fnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
5 {5 R, v+ D* d* M. Ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
2 C$ i* |* F1 Y9 h" G/ N  _4 e5 @encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
* t; s, o6 \& H3 iworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
2 e* W4 ?* U/ K7 Reyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

6 ~- g9 c: U, [0 q& O6 ]She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
0 u8 C$ G5 D- m/ \5 b. o8 B, Cthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
% |# n) R2 W1 W$ r" ^5 ~in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 Q( I! z! s3 h  ~which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

% f5 e; k2 t- E1 I- K. mVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
& Q4 G) l$ o, e$ e7 T; m7 C$ Dwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

: l# H" K$ ?& ITUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
0 A0 N6 ]& I( o8 Y% tBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
( c; [3 S$ A9 c, |2 pand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
  Y1 H6 }' x# Y9 S. ctreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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4 ?, c; q; N) L. V# nWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 b5 t5 D* ]/ K  ]# k8 ]# n7 Qthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* G8 y- F: g. y" O9 zbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
) I7 _! G7 [! h+ `$ d+ w5 l3 c! cthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
- v8 T/ d9 h% {8 u* SBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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. `6 q/ h+ H6 C( F% n1 _She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
' J' E( U/ j; z7 c/ ?Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
, G# c* Z: j& B1 ~4 [) Pher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
6 I! f- D( K) O4 u: X/ T3 b4 ubeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
3 @: S8 r' M* R) _, E/ g1 G3 {took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
! _  W: U9 V- _hid in the men's room.
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: Z9 {2 {3 R! QShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

( H. U4 K% }8 g& MFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) l4 h& |% K* @2 \any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
# y7 P% k8 z9 wanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 r+ g- p# R2 U/ icould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

; T3 C( A) f- T+ ~5 z! FAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ U6 |/ b* ~) q" G! l" q. k& d4 Hor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
$ x% X  ~* i+ {. i$ `I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
" N; a; ~8 ^, Q: G/ s) Pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.