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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something- F# G, w8 y0 A1 ~, m7 V: _
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
. l) Y: U2 T; H' w$ [/ e* Dinto a regular workout routine.. v1 q% |- J5 \" \2 G8 ^
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
6 t3 G3 A# i* G; G4 Nweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I" `/ ^+ u) D- F, d2 F
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25) H& s" x- p. B
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
! m4 n8 N. J& c+ i* `" |try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
5 \6 _9 z; M) C- j% unamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
; ^; ~* ] |/ D6 Binstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club( {4 R& p; R9 N" d1 @3 Q, Y
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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5 g1 r/ o( d' C8 \Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well" L8 c# W" t5 P! \
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for- o$ M8 ~! K7 _# y9 M% `- o: W
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing& f3 F2 `& l& ^0 s0 A2 s: `
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!5 @ @; H3 c$ @- ]) |
" v- L) s7 X1 S9 w8 x$ OShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed' ?1 K" e" }9 v" g
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her( ]: @/ w, X9 ~! }7 \: c4 S& T
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in5 a( e" [& f0 ^- u4 S% J
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.) Q Q. A* G2 m) c) F- `
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
* ~2 `( d5 n' Y/ P3 D4 Kalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she4 M) C/ s: v( ?9 g& e
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!* _7 [1 ]$ I8 p. U4 H; }
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TUESDAY:
- W. w6 d% @' C0 C& V5 R/ [7 |I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 z9 }$ n# r9 I& u+ }& aBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
( w( q& B9 @3 N; j4 z/ Gand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
4 ~* o4 H) A7 Z4 z6 B1 o/ atreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it, j6 p1 k K2 h( D# N& D& Q* y' C
all worthwhile.$ r) f3 D' \& u7 w
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.4 k* U, \. }; H- W
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WEDNESDAY:
% }7 Y) O4 l9 O! ^9 lThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on2 a3 y7 C" h; N7 f" _
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
7 h+ _$ J5 R9 V$ Pa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
! k8 o& D4 Y* y! p7 o r! esteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams& k7 f1 V g% P6 @
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for! \8 F2 ?0 F3 q/ ^
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine |* F2 Y$ y. m2 Y3 ^1 M* J
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
& M: ]) T$ S, e3 {2 F$ j# n9 ]Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a! A7 r: i" l! G- e# E; ^, M
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
! ] q5 V6 R; F1 wtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.4 v R- F0 ^ u( p
+ R) |4 S+ P+ R6 {7 R# sTHURSDAY:
}$ r% p4 V4 _' H4 |! H! |# JBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
% P. }1 Q! J9 c# t9 s- d) Dher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
8 O( t1 ^: L9 W& `! }) ]being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda$ j% f2 q- Z( A2 g9 i" f8 N3 N9 a
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and0 }+ v- B& {: I9 A4 @, G5 e
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing$ M2 x# ]8 O( I' p
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:, H- a( _4 @7 E1 R f+ ] o0 L
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated6 {" h S+ z$ d' V5 p- B) g* G
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
% w% Z- Q+ ^! X& banemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I7 m7 k# I/ c& i
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
8 ^3 n# M: X2 S" L0 i( Swanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!7 |% f, O2 `, k5 P; c
# Z6 W s! Z7 P {2 a* u LAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me* x3 \ \6 H- w7 ?+ I% p/ J7 u
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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; G* J0 c5 O( \/ i1 lThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
, [+ ?2 E9 t& S! `. a5 uteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach" [* [( m" P% c3 E
or the choir director?
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0 f. q" ]+ [) M7 f) P( MSATURDAY:% a( f! Z' Y0 N) Q: ]+ X v( g7 w
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,# J( Q6 ~& z% e5 b; y
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her* B, F# x$ i! V! @+ n/ A/ t% d/ P
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
9 i. t- g' m) Y$ A/ N7 B+ E7 M& c; Zstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
9 }/ H+ Y+ ~) \' y8 b* Khours of the Weather Channel.% f- x1 B( c7 E, }% i$ T* f, _% Y
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SUNDAY:
$ [, U0 X2 a/ J/ }* ZI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go1 Y) Z1 l \0 }4 ^; A
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,5 Z5 g0 a R+ G5 ]# Q1 {
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
6 R8 f7 t& C- Z( I. L; ka root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
