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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something* n0 q7 y+ V/ M) `. t5 M: t
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get8 v5 |4 c' M: J* b& l) A' G
into a regular workout routine.+ O9 T8 n9 C1 o3 }
) S* c, I2 n- P$ d2 j( lDear Diary:; |* z& z( L: B- N) s
0 u/ X. w5 R) A) S' @# dFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
4 v& u" C( f3 a+ R- `/ S* f5 z' n& iweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I- w: H. I! P! Z! c
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 252 r+ R: w% y- F. k4 n5 h* o6 M8 r6 B
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a! f( O6 j) |! ~# i4 k
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer. Q* u6 }; ~" v1 y8 q6 \+ J
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
- _0 _) F4 f/ U# o7 B1 Z$ uinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.$ t$ e9 X ~: v' @( g
/ R6 B6 t$ {5 K$ V; V" d# M4 J4 b; R% NMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club" \, E/ o: A/ _/ p/ u
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.4 A2 M5 p7 |( T, Q
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well8 J. a* X. _. x5 v; a! F
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
2 ]# d3 I c9 }7 B" r' @$ Bme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing7 @. H$ j1 @3 I5 O! \1 G$ l9 X
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!/ L3 ]/ S/ S3 }. X
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed9 q* E; l `3 i3 U
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
9 [9 b5 G- K" W) xin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 P: y" H( g: e* i! G2 m# _. Iwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.4 O2 Q: u: \3 k+ ~, k" z
: `) |7 ]( a& {1 h# PVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups," O1 I% v3 l. j) y
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she8 K3 Z& V; `6 x' `% Y$ e2 M( X1 u) ~
was around.
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; N% E& a' z* Q; U7 \. L- W' z2 LThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!1 K. [8 p' F; v6 F
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TUESDAY:
# a: P$ ?$ E& m; ~% W+ dI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.8 @& ~. |! t l8 V b) p
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
! }' j0 B/ K% {9 r, s, Y) y. rand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& y! {5 n O4 a3 F- p3 T7 I( Htreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it2 J5 ~; r6 ^& H6 C! e
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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" o0 B. V+ | d! W0 o+ NWEDNESDAY:
( R7 e: j& \5 A0 }The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on9 r2 M s% G# ]: Y2 E/ \" b6 C( u+ M4 X
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have8 `7 f: c( E" v* N9 D
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
! r. @ ^8 O1 l1 |6 O, |& T7 U( Lsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
! T/ C8 n) B2 h/ S, Y. D. e- F) wbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for2 Y' T! X) \) w% Q" Q2 j
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine1 Q: U! a- _# V+ t w) ~: U: q
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
3 }2 G4 K7 C) ^* t$ E+ W( ^; [Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a/ ]1 W8 ] ^) I/ F2 G
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
6 ?, M: f2 D7 |6 M- itold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.* q& {0 O& C7 g: r. u9 k& d( [. h
2 ^2 p3 z r7 G+ j% x/ j5 c" x/ gTHURSDAY:6 x2 |- f6 a+ I
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as/ M; i6 J2 C! {
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help& c" A: s( E1 C5 _
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda2 R5 [8 g8 U$ @! B
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and8 y5 x) n( k& L+ f3 C$ h
hid in the men's room.
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: n: ]* f* y" ?+ BShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing% g. g# L, u6 g3 [" N1 H
machine -- which I sank. K2 R9 M( A& R. b
3 Y$ O" }! h) y$ `# V& e; LFRIDAY:8 p/ l' m3 v5 ]+ f" x) K
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) k V; W9 K" D" Z. {/ v) {any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,% l: x0 F& v c
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I. z9 _# G7 ?5 f+ F4 t% w$ I. x
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
; c5 g F8 ~ m$ Wwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!9 u5 p! T3 C4 j/ K
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me! R6 _& s8 O2 J1 K
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
0 S7 j1 z, U5 J$ f; f) v! steacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach, C8 A. G8 G2 o7 e" |
or the choir director?
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# Y, r8 D7 B! i6 |/ _SATURDAY:
4 x t6 q+ H! k0 `3 o& k, iBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,7 f) Q+ c3 N4 K
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her4 c: S4 {, H5 a, a8 i8 j9 x2 c
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
" _+ S6 @+ M. N Pstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
- g- G- V2 y1 _; ehours of the Weather Channel.6 J, `, K1 N& d5 h6 t, ? E
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SUNDAY:( O! P: x% [- O/ }: S+ E
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
! G' [8 L! q& t3 @) aand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
5 O& m& p5 m( |1 U; s) c# ]my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like* T( i, M$ C( Q* [ y# p
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
