WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:

" A) Z; G6 u$ c; t: aFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
! N. Z7 }+ @" R; R/ ]0 Tweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
( |' W* y$ _  ]; Uam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
6 r2 Y, p6 N+ Z* n! Y/ ~years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
* {( Q" J: T, G# ^' j2 B4 [- D- Binstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
  L$ e+ K9 a5 |! u2 ~% L6 W" `1 R
- Y+ W3 e" V4 {  GMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
. w6 z3 Z4 h; j; a. E0 bencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

. Z$ p  m5 V& l4 f4 GMONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
, D2 m/ v5 G$ c  [; H% _worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
& E; Z! k- x$ u3 G& _* Ime. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
5 ]1 d  ^6 \' p& Y$ n9 |that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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4 T1 U. J1 Q6 \* Y. YVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
9 ^3 R6 `$ a5 C- Galthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
. ?4 P) v5 ~4 J9 t* l5 N! _was around.

- A1 {! E5 r- nThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
. X  V6 F4 e3 l, ]; I* AI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
: u+ k  }1 m, J& Mtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
; n& ]6 I& A) D% {+ Ball worthwhile.

, o* \6 S" W7 c! ^& d! `# R: ~' ZI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
0 j* D% ?  |: W- ~The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
2 {4 Q& G' [+ ^' ga hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
* C) T" `5 u- t/ e0 d: tsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
: K1 G* P  n3 V. P$ I+ _. _9 vearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
& G& @1 g+ y0 Nthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
  q6 y) I" B9 @7 r2 ?
( S! E6 \! u! n7 s/ O* hShe said some other shit too.

) q$ _% ^/ L- s, h0 DTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
6 s. g( x3 r; p- [took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
7 U, V( W! q' [: G' ~. v" @hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
! s; V! _* k- b' nany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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& ^) w) V! O$ F0 ]2 S' S$ u; iThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
1 l; U" \4 I" E! [+ ]$ `teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
7 H5 V- p8 U9 a! |* b" m7 f
, _% v# i  f; xSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
# ?9 Q2 O& U3 s$ i& E1 H; h, P; qshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
- ~1 N: z6 d" |6 {% }made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
* f% T  f) e9 e$ F6 x1 V& ^strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

4 p" I7 A2 u5 F. `SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
. C$ R3 L( \% b5 \and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.